Carmy Berzatto quotes from The Bear

Carmy

It's not gonna fit. It's not gonna fit! [while Richie is trying to insert the family hot dog into the overstuffed cargo area of minivan]

Carmy Berzatto

I think when I was a kid, anything that would give me any sort of excitement or amusement or enjoyment, uh, it always got kinda fucked. You know, I-I don't think my family meant to ruin it or anything like that, you know. I-I don't think they did it on purpose. But I-I think they just, they try too hard. You know, or they'd make promises that they weren't able to keep. Have to remind myself to breathe sometimes. I, um, have to remind myself to, uh... to be present, you know. Remind myself that the sky is not falling, that, um, there is no other shoe, which is incredibly difficult because there is always another shoe.

Carmy Berzatto

It's a fennel allergy. Sub blood orange.

Why are you serving broken sauces? Why? I get it. You have a short man's complex. You can barely reach over this fucking table, right? Is this why you have the tattoos and your cool little scars, and you go out and take your smoke breaks? It's fun, isn't it? But here's the thing: you're terrible at this. You're no good at it. Go faster, motherfucker, keep going faster. Why are you so slow? Why are you so fucking slow? Why? You think you're so tough. Yeah. Why don't you say this? Say "Yes, chef, I'm so tough."

Carmy Berzatto

Yes, chef. I'm so tough.

Say fucking "Yes, chef, I'm so tough"!

Carmy Berzatto

Yes, chef. I'm so tough.

You are not tough. You are bullshit. You are talentless. Say fucking hands.

Carmy Berzatto

Hands!

[whispering] You should be dead.

Richie

You like to shit on my system, but I run a tight ship, and I get back to my cohorts and my associates in a timely fashion.

Carmy

Alright, do me a favor. Just name a cohort. Name an associate. Just one fuckin' person. I dare you.

Richie Jerimovich

It wasn't my phone!

Uncle Jimmy

You call an electrician or a plumber, that's it!

Richie Jerimovich

I've been saying this shit for fucking years! It wasn't my fucking phone!

Uncle Jimmy

[mocking Richie] Oh, Cicero! I'm your guy! I got a kid now, Cicero! I need a fucking real job!

Richie Jerimovich

You think I don't know how to pick up a goddamn phone?

Uncle Jimmy

[still mocking Richie] Oh, Cicero, can I have tickets to The Lion King?

Richie Jerimovich

Pick up a goddamn phone, and we don't even know... how she fell down those stairs.

Carmy Berzatto

You want us to get this stuff out back or how do you, uh...

Uncle Jimmy

Yeah, take it around the side for me, will you?

Carmy Berzatto

Around the side, sure.

Uncle Jimmy

Yeah, thanks, Rick.

Richie Jerimovich

I fucking hate it when you call me Rick...

Uncle Jimmy

I fucking hate it when you don't answer your phone!

Marcus Brooks

I won't make a mistake again.

Carmy Berzatto

Yeah, you will. But not 'cause you're you, just 'cause shit happens. I started a fryer fire the night after I won Food & Wine 's Best New Chef; nearly burned the place down.

Marcus Brooks

For real?

Carmy Berzatto

For real. This weird thing happens too; you have this minute where you're watching the fire and you're thinking, "If I don't do anything, this place will burn down and all of my anxiety will go away with it."

Marcus Brooks

And then you put the fire out.

Carmy Berzatto

Then you put the fire out.

Carmy Berzatto

Is there a name for that thing where you're afraid of something good happening 'cause you think something bad's gonna happen?

Richie Jerimovich

I don't know. Life?

Carmy Berzatto

Ebra, make sandwiches! Don't stop making fucking sandwiches.

Yes, chef.

Carmy Berzatto

I'm going to make three sections, OK? They're going to be Wet, Hot, and Sweet, alright? I'm going to take green tape, make those sections. Louie, I want you to get the sandwiches put into the corresponding sections.

OK, yeah.

Carmy Berzatto

Yo, bag, Sharpie, label that shit.

Yes, chef.

Sydney Adamu

Tina, fire every single chicken we have, please. OK? Richie, do you even know how to do fries?

Richie Jerimovich

Yes. And I know we need them now.

Sydney Adamu

OK. Marcus, where are we on cakes?

Marcus Brooks

Uh, getting there.

Sydney Adamu

Getting there? What the fuck do you - Marcus, what the fuck are you doing still working on this shit?

Marcus Brooks

Yo, come on. What are you tripping for? The cakes are in the oven.

Sydney Adamu

What the fuck am I tripping for? Are you here right now?

Marcus Brooks

It doesn't make a difference. There's four cakes. And still - Yeah, I was going to cut them.

Sydney Adamu

They're not even cut yet?

Marcus Brooks

Yeah, it's not that big of a deal.

Carmy Berzatto

What's this? Chef!

Sydney Adamu

Um, I am - I'm doing them in five, basically. I'm going to order them in fives, so -

Carmy Berzatto

No, stop. Everything. Fire everything right fucking now.

Sydney Adamu

OK, I'll fire everything now. I just was finishing talking to Marcus and -

Carmy Berzatto

Step out. Step out. Step out - GET THE FUCK OFF MY EXPO, CHEF, NOW! GET THE FUCK OFF! Thank you! We're firing 76 beefs, 34 chickens, OK? 12 French fries, 12 mash, fucking now!

Sydney Adamu

Behind.

Richie Jerimovich

Corner - [Sydney runs into Richie and drops one of the freshly made cakes.]

Sydney Adamu

Oh, shit.

Richie Jerimovich

You didn't say corner. You didn't say corner.

Sydney Adamu

Fuck you, Richie. Fuck you.

Richie Jerimovich

You don't need to curse at me like a maniac.

Sydney Adamu

Fuck y - I'm not a fucking maniac, man.

Richie Jerimovich

It's your bullshit that fucked us today, not mine. It's your bullshit.

Sydney Adamu

Fuck you, Richie. Fuck you.

Richie Jerimovich

[quoting from The Blues Brothers.] A hundred six miles to Chicago.

Carmy Berzatto

Full tank of gas.

Richie Jerimovich

Half a pack of cigarettes.

Carmy Berzatto

It's dark. We're wearing sunglasses.

Richie Jerimovich

Hit it.

Carmy Berzatto

I wasn’t here. Right? What the fuck was I thinking? Like I was gonna be in a relationship? I’m a fuckin’… I’m a fuckin’ psycho. That’s why. That’s why I’m good at what I do. That’s how I operate. I am the best because I didn’t have any of this fucking bullshit, right? I could, I could focus and I could concentrate and I had a routine and-and I had fuckin’ cell reception and… I don’t need to provide amusement or enjoyment. I don’t need to receive any amusement or enjoyment. I’m completely fine with that. Because no amount of good is worth how terrible this feels. It’s just a complete waste of fuckin’ time.

I'm really sorry you feel that way, Carm.

Carmy Berzatto

No, I hate this.

Neil Fak

For a surprise?

Carmy Berzatto

No, fuck surprises. Fuck surprises.

Neil Fak

Why? I love surprises! You'd love a surprise.

Richie Jerimovich

Yes! Fucking surprise!

Carmy Berzatto

Richie! No surprise. No fucking surprise!

Richie Jerimovich

Stay the fuck out of the dream weave, Carmen! Let's go.

Neil Fak

Yes.

Richie Jerimovich

One two three... Feliz cumpleanos (Happy birthday)...

Carmy Berzatto

Chef!

Oh hey… Bergatzo?

Carmy Berzatto

I always wondered what I would say to you if I ever saw you again.

Ok let’s hear it.

Carmy Berzatto

Honestly after Fuck you, I don’t have much.

Fuck me? For anything in particular?

Carmy Berzatto

Honestly for just being you.

Right. Well. This has been nice.

Carmy Berzatto

I think about you too much.

I don’t think about you.

Carmy Berzatto

Why are you such an asshole?

How am I an asshole?

Carmy Berzatto

Do you have half an hour?

You're welcome.

Carmy Berzatto

You’re welcome? For for for what?

You were an ok chef when you started with me. But you left an excellent chef. So you’re welcome.

Carmy Berzatto

You gave me ulcers. And panic attacks. And and and nightmares. You you know this.

Ya I gave you confidence and leadership and ability. It fucking worked. So you’re welcome.

Carmy Berzatto

I’m I’m I’m fucking stunned right now.

Dude. You need to unclench your pearls.

Carmy Berzatto

My life stopped.

That’s the point.

Carmy Berzatto

That’s the point?

You said you wanted to be great. You said you wanted to be excellent. So you got rid of all the bullshit and you got focused and you got great. You got excellent. You’re here. Look at all this. I’m going to go piss now.