The Angry Video Game Nerd Season 1 quotes

(reviewing Bible Buffet on NES, responding to its in-game voice clips) That voice is just crazy! I-I dunno what it is, but it just sounds out of place. Not that anything is in place, but I dunno. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But I suppose it's also rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari, that's all about food trying to kill you, yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer, and, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to "Thou shall not kill"? Please, somebody tell me!

[ Invisible Touch is heard in the background] So let's play another bible game. It's the Book of Genesis on Sega Genesis. And the soundtrack is Genesis. ...I'm just making this up.

[Playing Super Noah's Ark 3D] Listen to how cheerful the music is. (Theme from Super 3D Noah's ark plays) Wow, that's great. It's just what you need is some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats!

There's really nothing else worth mentioning with this game. It just sucks, and I can't even stand to play it anymore. I’d rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass. I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's anus-hole. It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doo-doo ass shit.

The Nerd

(sighs) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (he slaps the tape back into its case as it starts to fall out) SUCKS SHIT! Not even regular shit. Putrid, barfed-out roadkill diarrhea shit. Now you might be sayin', "Well that's your opinion." Well yeah, it is. It's my opinion, that it's a motherfuckin' fact, that this pile of dog shit called Ninja Turtles III is the most god-awful disgrace in human existence! Now, I know you've seen a lot of bad movies. But, no, let me tell you, this movie is BAD. Like, how bad? Like, is it the worst of the Turtles trilogy? Oh, undeniably, but that's not the point. My point, is that this is the worst fuckin' movie I've ever seen in my life! Now, I can tell you from the perspective of a 12-year-old and a 26-year-old, that it needs to rot in Hell, in Satan's asshole. Now what I mean by that is I was 12 the first time I saw the movie, in the theaters in 1993, and I was such a big Turtle fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside. And, you know it's just been tearin' away at me all these years. And now, lookin' back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out. THIS MOVIE... is FUCKIN' TERRIBLE! (punches the tape)

The Nerd

"Why was there no subtitle in the movie?" They subtitled the last movie. Well, I have an answer. Look under that title. You see that blank, empty space? Let that be an indication of the blank, empty imagination employ within and the void it left in our hearts.

(criticizing the inferior animatronics) Is this movie made for little kids? Well, I guess it is, so the joke's on me. The worst of all is Splinter. He looks like fuckin' roadkill! And I guess they never finished him because you only see his upper body. He's like a puppet that should be used on Sesame Street. Even worse is his voice!

Have patience, my son.

What an assload of fuck! Well, everything sucks.

The Nerd

[on Walker's death scene] Now, I gotta pause this because I gotta ask, how many times have you seen this shot in a movie? Way too fuckin' much. It was one of the biggest clichés of the time. What happened at the end of Batman? The Joker falls, same shot. What happens at the end of Dick Tracy? Big Boy falls, same thing. But Turtles III takes this cliché to a whole new level. I mean, a whole new level. Watch what happens when Walker hits the water.

The Nerd

Did you see that? Here it goes again.

The Nerd

There's no splash. Instead, he disappears. But he doesn't disappear. He like, implodes into himself. I'm really stunned, like why'd they do this? They couldn't do a special effect for a splash? But, what they could do is make him implode. Now, if you couldn't make a splash, why couldn't you just cut away, and then, just leave the sound of the splash? That would've actually been more effective. I can re-edit it right now. Watch.

The Nerd

See? That's all they had to do, so why make the weird imploding effect? What were they thinking?

The Nerd

Cowabunga. Cowa-fuckin'-piece-of-dog-shit! I'd rather watch crap oozing out of a buffalo's asshole. I'd rather fuckin' puke diarrhea up my dick. It fuckin' sucks so much fuckin' suck, it fucks. It fuckin' sucks so much cocksucker motherfucker bullfuck that...well, something must be done.

The Nerd

IT'S HAMMER TIME!

Look at how huge this beast is, it's ginormous! And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console, or a fucking closet? Even the AC Adapter weighs a million tons.

What's the most important aspect about any fucking game? Well, being able to fucking play it. And what do you need to fucking play it? A fucking controller! So what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked! This is the reason the system failed. This. In the name of God, Heaven and Hell; everything in between, every creature on Earth; by the far reaches of the Galaxy; by the inner rings on the Universe and... every Megaverse and the Ultraverse, let it be known. Let the word be known. This controller... is fuckin' horrible!

Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone? Like, what is all this for? Is it, like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts or astrobastards?

[unable to play the Atari 5200 due to defective controllers] As for the 5200, there's third party controllers made for replacing the shitty controller that the system came with. So let's take a trip into the cyber world known as the internet and take a look. [Goes to his computer and the Ebay website. Finds a listing that says "ATARI 5200 CONTROLLER - Works fucking better!"]

The Nerd

So, I just wanted to take you back to the '80s, when Ghostbusters and Nintendo were the best things in the world. Now, the Nintendo Entertainment System, I believe needs no introduction. So, when we heard that a Ghostbusters game for Nintendo was coming out, we were so excited we shit our pants. Literally, shit came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof! It was two of our favorite things comin' together, should have been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog shit! (He inserts the cartridge into the NES.) You pop this piece of crap in, expecting Ghostbusters, and whaddya get? Well, Ghostbusters. Got the logo there, looks promising enough. But are you willing to bet that it's gonna get really bad once you start playin'? Yeah, well, guess what? It gets bad as soon as you press the Start button. (The Nerd presses the Start button) (an extremely low-bit "GHOSTBUSTERS!" sound can be heard on the TV) The fuck was that?! (the low-bit "GHOSTBUSTERS!" repeats) "Gowsht Bushterrrsh!" (the low-bit "GHOSTBUSTERS!" repeats again) Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not tryna to criticize the game for its lack of voice clarity, but ya hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.

The Nerd

(Game starts) So, here's the main screen. This is it. This is Ghostbusters on Nintendo. This is my wasted childhood you're lookin' at. I don't even need to comment. Just look at it, it's shits for the birds! Okay, we gotta come up with a game about Ghostbusters, what can we do? How about just have the Ghostbusters logo floatin' around playin' tag with cute, little yellow ghosts? So if you like Ghostbusters, it's right up your alley. More like up your ASS!