I just wanted to remind you the fond memories you had of Super Nintendo. You remember Metroid? Zelda? Mario? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doing right now?
No, this is all out of body. Don't you get it? Right now you're looking back at reviewing one of the worst games on the Super Nintendo. (AVGN looks through a nearby door to see himself reviewing a game.)
OAOther AVGN
Shaq Fu. Just the name makes people cringe. Like, you don't even wanna go there.
The title doesn't even sound good. Shaq Fu? It's like a joke. I mean just the fact that they can release a fighting game starring Shaquille O'Neal and call it Shaq Fu pretty much proves that you can put "Fu" at the end of anything. How about "Robin Williams Fu" or "U2Fu"? I mean, who came up with this shit!? What, were they smoking crack up their ass!?
You remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, that's actually what they called it. But it was very revolutionary when it first came out. But looking at it now, it's like a baby's toy. Now, I got this bullshit fuck game called Far Cry Vengeance. Now you put the word "Vengeance" at the end of anything, and it's sure to suck.
IT'S CHRISTMAS! WHAT A GLORIOUS CHRISTMAS DAY! (goes back to his games cabinet cackling with euphoria) Look at all these games! Look at all these games! I think I'm gonna play Super Mario World! Fuck yeah! This game's awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on. (after a moment, the Nerd's expression turns sour, and he turns off the game and grabs the Virtual Boy) Man, fuck that! Let's play some shitty ones!
Shigeru Miyamoto, the man responsible for all these great games did an interview with Nintendo Power sometime before the release of the Ocarina of Time and this is what he said. "Ocarina of Time is the first story, then the original Legend Of Zelda, then Zelda II: The Adventure of Link and finally A Link to the Past. It's not very clear where Link's Awakening fits in. It could be anytime after Ocarina of Time." Now whoa, I'm nobody to argue. Don't get me wrong about the man himself, but how is Link to the Past the last? I had a hard time accepting that any game would take place before it, but now it's the last? Then why is it called Link to the Past? If it was meant to be the end, why wouldn't it be called Link to the Future?
So what right do I have to argue with Miyamoto? I don't. However, I can offer three explanations to why he says Link to the Past goes at the end. 1, He was being interviewed and he was caught on the spot, so it could've been a simple mistake. 2, Link to the Past was once a prequel, but its place in the timeline changed so his quote is somehow correct. 3, it's just a game so who gives a shit?
Now a second Zelda game was for the Nintendo 64 was released, Majora's Mask. This one was a sequel to Ocarina of Time. But wait, not a sequel to the end where adult Link defeats Ganon, No! It's a sequel to young Link after he got sent back. So now any speculation of Nintendo ever making a sequel to Zelda II is deader than shit. They can't even make a sequel that follows in consecutive order. Instead, they just keep going back and then maybe taking a small step up again and then back again. We have a sequel to the original, a prequel to the original, a sequel to the prequel, a prequel to the prequel, and a sequel of the young Link of the prequel's prequel. WHAT THE FUCK?! At this point, if you want to try to make any sense out of this whole thing then go right ahead, but not me. At this point, I really didn't give a shit.
What about the games on the Philips CD-I? There was Zelda: Wand of Gamelon, Link: The Faces of Evil, & Zelda’s Adventure. And hey, Princess Zelda actually plays a bigger role in those games. So why don’t you count those? Maybe because they suck diarrhea shit from an asshole fountain.
Fuck. I gotta do this one now? Well, guess I might as well, 'cuz there's a new Rambo movie comin' out. Back in the '80s, Rambo was the shit, but the NES game was just plain fuck. (the Nerd puts the game in the NES toploader) Well, it's based off Rambo: First Blood Part II rather than the first one. I guess making a game where you're going around killing cops... probably wasn't their best interest.
When Rambo meets the girl for the second time in the game, you're given an option. Rather than conducting business, you can say: "What do you think of me?" The game doesn't advance until you stop asking it, so what's the point? And how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment? She could have said, "What do I think of you? You look like a hairless gorilla and when your mouth is open, you really freak me out."
Why does the fuckin' password have to be so goddamn long?! Is it really necessary to have both capital and lowercase letters, as well as numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too?! If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused. S's look like 5's, 0's look like O's, capital and lowercase letters can look identical, and lowercase L's look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have no tolerance for. The password system should be simple, straightforward, and easy to use. As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it, and move on. It doesn't need to be a fucking project! Assholes!
But then comes Rambo. How do you follow Rambo III with just Rambo? That doesn't even make any sense. It's like you're going backwards. So, now if someone says, "I'm watching Rambo," it's like, "Oh. Oh, what do you mean? Do you mean First Blood? Or do you mean Rambo: First Blood Part II? Or do you mean Rambo, the 4th movie?" That's what it is, the fourth fuckin' movie! Why couldn't they have just called it Rambo IV? One, two, three, four!! (Pretends to have head explosion, then goes nuts and collapses on the floor while he rips a poster off the wall.)
Virtual reality seemed like the way of the future. Just the idea feeling like you were in the game was an awesome concept. But instead, it turned out to be the grand mother-load of shit. The first problem was it was marketed as a portable system. Yeah, portable. My ass is portable! You could barely find a comfortable way to play this big, red, ugly piece of shit at home, let alone bring it somewhere. Like, you couldn't play it in a car or something like that. And, come to think of it, you wouldn't want to play this thing in public anyway. You'd look like an asshole!
[playing Galactic Pinball] So, in the long run, it just makes you wish you were playing a real pinball machine instead or anything other than this. I feel like I'm taking an eye exam. And speaking of that, my eyes are starting to hurt already. If you play this long enough and go blind, you can really become the Pinball Wizard.
