The Angry Video Game Nerd quotes

The Nerd

I love the Power Glove. It's so bad. And I mean bad. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? [grabs the regular NES controller] Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay, playing it, you know, with a controller. So if anything, the Power Glove, it's an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, [flashes middle finger] one fuckin' complaint about this glove; It doesn't work. Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it!

The Nerd

[Plays Jackal and reads the opening screen's text] "This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!" "Good luck" is right. I'm using the fuckin' Power Glove.

The Nerd

[plays Rad Racer with the Power Glove] You know what's really cool about Rad Racer? That if you push "Select"... [pushes "Select"] ...the game goes 3D. I'm playing Rad Racer with the Power Glove and 3D glasses. Ya can't get any more rad than that.

The Nerd

Wow. Playing Top Gun with the Power Glove. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit. [in-game, "TO LANDING SEQUENCE"] Oh, my God. What the fuck am I doing? I'm tryin' to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. [he manages to successfully land the plane; surprised, he takes a quick glance at the Power Glove, and looks back at the screen]

The Nerd

If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fuckin' glove on my hand. I'm tryin' to play a fuckin' game with it. I look like an idiot with a fistful of shit. [pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.]

The Nerd

Now you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fuckin' shit! You're better off fuckin' shit than fuckin' with this fucked-up shit! Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about how fuckin' shitty this fuckin' shit is! It's so bad it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck it fucks! And I...can't take it anymore. [holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!" Game Over Theme]

(talking about the Mega Man series) What's this? Mega Man Battle network series? Mega Man 64? Did they really make it that far? No, that was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 at the end of every fucking title.

So when Final Fantasy VII came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII and that's when the confusion began. I wondered what the fuck happened to IV V and VI?! But what I really should've been wondering, little did I know, what the fuck happened to II III and V? And once I figured that out, I was like,"So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about?" I was playing VI all along and not III? What a fuckin' bunch of fuckin' bullfuck!

The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now, there's ten of them. Star Trek I-VI were all numbered. But when they stopped using the original cast from the show and started using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films and called them: Star Trek Generations, Star Trek First Contact, Star Trek Insurrection and Star Trek Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine. But where did the fucking numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek Generations, Star Trek VII then why didn't they call it Star Trek The Next Generation off the show and then call the next one Star Trek The Next Generation II and just start a new line of sequels?

The title of Bruce Lee's first film was called The Big Boss, but when they released it in the U.S., the American distributors or whoever was responsible decided to change the title to Fists of Fury. Well okay, that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called Fist Of Fury. So, uh oh, we fucked up! What are we going to call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it Fist of Fury because we changed the last one to Fists of Fury. Call it The Chinese Connection and from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.

(Regarding the training sequences) Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-suckin'-bullfuck! This is fuckin' boring!

(On the convoluted controls as described in the game manual) So did you get that? Well, let me sum it up. It stinks!

That's right, it stinks!

It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros' asshole. It fucks up the ass, shits out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, shits for the birds! The control in this game... is pooh-pooh.

This game is ass. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather eat raw eggs.

(Playing Bible Adventures, reviewing "Noah's Ark"; regarding the character Noah, who literally picks up animals and puts them in the ark in the game) I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down. How could such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the fuck!? Let alone a horse and an ox!? Or fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen!? What the fuckin' shit!? Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts The Hulk to shame. And the poor creatures, they're so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away. Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even Chuck Norris!

(Reviewing "David and Goliath") And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your own infant son puking to death. That is, choking on his own puke-chunks. (long pause) That's disgusting. I apologize.