You've never been rejected by a woman before?
Not this many times by the same woman in one night.
All S1
S1 E14The Harriet Dinner, Part 2
I've been locked up on a roof with a deadly viper in my studio, and it's been the best night of my life, because I was with you. I wasn't going to lose interest in four months.
ZTZhang Tao
Oh, her mother will take care of that.
You speak English?
ZTZhang Tao
I speak a few words.
How many words?
ZTZhang Tao
All of them.
Why do you pretend you can't speak English?
ZTZhang Tao
It's fun.
It's fun?! [pause] Yeah. Guess it would be.
BBevo
The snake's blocking the exit. That's why the coyote won't come back. He's afraid of the snake.
And the ferret?
BBevo
He's afraid of the coyote.
I tell you, man, this lacks the feel of professionalism!
S1 E15The Friday Night Slaughter
(on the phone with Danny) Hi, this is Jordan McDeere. I'm the President of NBS west coast entertainment.
Yes ma'am.
I'm concerned that not enough of your cameras are aimed at her chest.
Well, I got all four of them working. But this is just dress. If you want I can bring in some IMAX equipment tonight.
This is what you like, huh?
Me? Uh...no, and I'll tell you why. Because she's TOO sexy.
My hormones are like a Los Alamos experiment right now.
What does that mean?
Get the cameras off her chest!!
I went down there to pitch her a sketch about a Christian Radio Host, and it turns out, she's a Christian.
LLuke
I'm a Christian.
Yeah, but she's like...ya know...a member!
LLuke
Really?
What were the odds of that? I'd say the last two places I'd expect to find a member of the Christian right are the corridors of Studio 60 and a synagogue.
LLuke
Did you offend her?
I couldn't have offended her more if I re-crucified her savior, it was stunning!
It's gotta be soon, right?
DDylan
Yeah
I'm feeling the good vibe
DDylan
Yeah
I'll tell you this, if it doesn't make it to air, it sure wasn't your fault
DDylan
It sure wasn't your fault
You owned it
DDylan
You owned it
You got a receipt for it my man.
DDylan
You're Tom Jeter. No more need to be said.
You could've picked up the pace a little
DDylan
Yeah. Maybe a little less mugging from you.
(forcefully) No. No. This is what they want. To turn us against each other.
DDylan
You never mug man.
Your pacing is genius.
(Tom sees Andy approaching)
Here comes Andy. He'll make us feel better.
(They both start walking towards Andy)
Hey Andy!
(Andy gives them a nod of recognition as they approach him)
AAndy
You graceless homicidal bastards. I think if you go check the stage you'll find jokes lying on the floor where you left them to die.
(pointing to Dylan) It was his pacing.
AAndy
Should someone have indicated to you on a map where Canada was? Because your Canadian accent...
Too much?
AAndy
It was Mexican.
This is the longest they've ever taken to decide.
AAndy
In the old days, if your sketch didn't make it on the air, they used to send you downstairs naked, to sell lemon drinks shrouded only in your failure. And you'd have to explain to the patrons why you weren't good enough.
DDylan
There used to be a naked lemon drink salesman?
Yeah.
AAndy
That's right!
S1 E164 AM Miracle
[Jordan shows Danny her "practice" Real Care Baby.]
It just told me I'd stuffed it in a Prada bag!
The real baby's gonna do that, too.
Yeah, but now I know not to... you know...
Stuff the baby in a bag?
Yeah!
You knew that before!
Now I can practice comforting.
You turned it off with a remote.
. . .
I know you're nervous, and... God understands that. So he made the first year an on-ramp. Okay? You're not up to full speed, you're just merging with other traffic.
You know how many times I've busted my car merging with other traffic?
Alright, you don't... drive... the baby. Ever.
[Danny is horrified at the results of Cal and Tom's test of a prop guillotine with the practice baby.]
They're supposed to be indestructible.
Yeah, they are, unless you drop an 80-pound hydraulic axe on their head.
. . .
... it's Jordan's, and she bet me that I couldn't keep it alive, and I was doing fine until Sacco and Vanzetti decided to CHOP THE BABY'S HEAD OFF!
S1 E17The Disaster Show
We can't air the dress tonight.
Why not?
We record the signal in RGB, we were missing the B.
You didn't record the color blue at the dress!?
(referencing the teenagers who'd just called in a fake threat to the building)Can we determine if there actually is a bomb in the building?
I trust them, but just in case why don't we handcuff them to the building overnight.
RRobbie
(About the bomb threat) Why wasn't it on the news?
It's Friday night!
RRobbie
Aren't bomb threats a big deal?
You'd think so, wouldn't you?
S1 E18Breaking News
(Danny has just learned that Matt has been taking pills to get high)
Where are they?
(Matt surrenders a bottle of pills)
What the hell are these?
Flintstones Vitamins.
These are Flintstones Vitamins.
Yeah. I like the Bam-Bams. You got a problem with that?
S1 E19K & R Part I
Isn't it possible that Mary got pregnant by another man, and Joseph stepped up so his wife wouldn't get stoned to death by the village?
No.
It's more likely that an angel inseminated her, and she gave birth to a magical wizard who could rise from the dead?
He's not David Copperfield!
Science is something you believe in, science has to be proven, or they don't get to call it science
Wouldn't it be great if you knew something about Christians, before you start...
It's a fairy tale!
No, it's not
We've been having this fight for six months!
We've been having this fight for two years!
We have been having this fight in two different millennia, now!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.