Harry Mudd quotes from Star Trek: The Original Series

Men will always be men — no matter where they are.

You're a hard-nosed one, Captain.

Kirk

And you're a liar. I think we both understand each other.

Kirk

There's only one kind of woman...

Or man, for that matter.

Kirk

You either believe in yourself or you don't.

Don't you think you could possibly, by accident, arrange to leave me behind here? On this planet, that would be punishment enough.

Kirk

I can't do that, Harry, but I will appear as a character witness at your trial ... if you think that'll help.

They'll throw away the key.

Kirk

Did you pay royalties to the owners of those patents?

Well, actually, Kirk, as a defender of the free enterprise system, I found myself in a rather ambiguous conflict as a matter of principle.

Spock

He did not pay royalties.

Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!

Kirk

Who caught you?

That, sir, is an outrageous assumption.

Kirk

Yes. Who caught you?

I sold the Denebians all the rights to a Vulcan fuel synthesiser.

Kirk

And the Denebians contacted the Vulcans.

How'd you know?

Kirk

That's what I would have done.

It's typical police mentality. They've got no sense of humour. They arrested me.

McCoy

Oh, I find that shocking.

Spock

The guilty party has his choice: death by electrocution, death by gas, death by phaser, death by hanging...

The key word in your entire peroration, Mr. Spock, was..."death". Barbarians! Well, of course, I...left.

Kirk

He broke jail.

I, er, I borrowed transportation -

Kirk

He stole a spaceship.

The patrol reacted in a hostile manner -

Kirk

They fired at him.

They've got no respect for private property, they damaged the bloody spaceship!

But what do I do? Kirk, I'm no scientist.

Kirk

No, you're an irritant. You'll stay here and provide a first-class example to the androids of a human failure. They'll learn by close observation how to avoid ones like you in the future.

How long?

Kirk

As long as you continue to be an irritant, Harry. It's up to you.

I suppose that taking everything into consideration, as it were, and noting all the different possibilities, I could manage. And as detention sentences go, this one isn't too uncomfortable. And I'm back in the galaxy again!

Kirk

Yes, you are. Oh, there's one more thing, Harry. We've programmed a special android attendant to take care of your every need. She'll help you find an incentive to work with the androids and not exploit them.

I call that unexpectedly civil of you, Captain.

Kirk

Yes.

[offscreen] Harcourt! [Mudd looks horrified] Harcourt Fenton Mudd, what have you been up to...?

Shut UP!

OH NO....KIRK, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! IT'S INHUMAN!

Kirk

[mockingly] Good-bye, Harry. HAVE FUN!