Orgasm, major thing in a relationship?
Yeah, but not the only thing. Orgasms don't send you Valentine's Day cards and don't hold your hand in a sad movie.
Mine do.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Is he that bad in bed?
No, he's just... He's a guy. They can rebuild a jet engine, but when it comes to a woman... What's the big mystery? It's my clitoris, not the Sphinx!
I think you just found the title for your autobiography.
You know, it's really not their fault. They don't come with a manual. If I had a son, I'd teach him all about the vagina.
If you had a son, we'd call social services.
Everyone needs a man. That's why I rent. If you own and he still rents, then the power structure is all off. It's emasculating. Men don't want a woman who's too self-sufficient.
I'm sorry, did someone just order a Victorian straight up?
So how was the sex?
Amazing! It was like Liz was looking over us, giving us her blessing.
A threesome in absentia.
I mean, my hat blew right into her headstone. She was clearly sending a message.
Yeah, "don't fuck my husband, you hat-loving bitch."
Nobody told me it was BYO man.
Well, what did you expect? It's a lesbian art show.
I know! But don't straight guys usually follow them around to see what they're going to do?
Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls: Because they can. It's part of their biology. Instead of wasting all this energy condemning it, maybe it's time we all got in line with the reality of the situation.
Well, that sounds very empowering, but you're forgetting one important detail.
God, I hope so.
Women cheat.
Yeah, but it's completely different.
How?
'Cause we don't go around randomly attacking any man that we're attracted to.
Speak for yourself.
We're not driven by testosterone.
Then what does drive us according to you?
Emotions.
You mean hormones.
No. I mean that little voice inside of me that says, "Mate for life! Mate for life!"
Sweetheart, you can't go listening to every fucking little voice that runs through your head. It'll drive you nuts.
It's love at first sight.
Oh, honey, this isn't love. This is about two people justifying a week of non-stop fucking.
On my furniture! I have to redecorate.
I just don't understand. How could you forget someone you slept with?
Toto, I don't think we're in single digits anymore.
What's your age ceiling with men?
50?
Factor in millions and millions of dollars.
50?
Well, I just met the cutest older man.
How old, 50? 60? Sweetie, is he on Medicare?
I'm guessing 72. A young 72.
[on the phone] I'm at Big's.
You're at Big's? You and I are having dinner tonight!
Well, he got this veal.
You blew me off for a piece of politically incorrect meat?!
You've never seen an uncircumcised one?
I'm from Connecticut!
All I'm saying is, uncut men are the best. They try harder. I should know. I've slept with five of them.
Out of how many?
Infinity.
[about Big] Now I've laid down the gauntlet. He either has to say "I love you" back or I guess I'm gonna have to break up with him.
Well, how long are you gonna give him?
Well, I didn't put an expiration date on the sentiment, but I figure it's got the shelf life of a dairy product. It's gonna start to curdle in about a week.
You know, it's so interesting. You can tell a man, "I hate you", you'll have the best sex of your life. But tell him, "I love you", you'll probably never see him again.
When single men have a lot of money, it works to their advantage, but when a single woman has money, it's a problem you have to deal with. It's ridiculous! I want to enjoy my success, not apologize for it.
Bravo, honey! Bravo!
But you're talking about more than a difference in income. You're talking about a difference in background and education. This guy is working class.
Working class?!
Yeah.
It's the millennium, sweetie. We don't say things like "working class" anymore.
But you're trying to pretend that we live in a classless society, and we don't.
Okay, Marie Antoinette, we get the picture.
I never leave underwear at a guy's place because I never see it again.
What happens to it?
Nothing. I just never go back.
Doesn't that get a little expensive, disposing of lingerie every time you sleep with a guy?
That's why I stopped wearing underwear on dates.
And that's why I'm never borrowing a dress from you again.
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