Ernie quotes from Sesame Street

Rubber Ducky, you're the one.

The statue knows "Rubber Ducky", Bert.

Ernie what's the matter?

(cries) Bert it's terrible Bert!

What's terrible Ernie?

I wanted to go out and play baseball today, but look outside; it's raining outside! (cries)

Oh that's it huh? Ernie it's not so bad.

Not so bad Bert?! (tugs at Bert’s shirt)

Hey, hey…

Yes it is Bert. It's very bad. (cries)

Oh, hey I have an idea Ernie. Why don't you just imagine you're out playing baseball?

Imagine? (Smiles in ideal)

Yes. Imagination can be as good as the real thing Ernie.

(happily) Okay Bert. I'll try it.

Okay good. (Walks off)

Okay (begins to imagine; the rain noticeably stops) The fans are cheering. (Fans cheering are heard) The umpire shouts..."(Umpire: Play ball!!!)" And I step up to the plate and the pitcher throws ball. I take a swing. (swings baseball bat) Oh it's a perfect hit. The ball goes high above the roof, in the sky and into the clouds. Then it begins to fall. Down down down down down it falls, into...(a splash is heard) In the ocean. Oh no.

Ernie it stopped raining. You can go out and play baseball.

No I can't Bert.

Why not?

The baseball is at the bottom of the ocean Bert. (Bert stares at Ernie in confusion)

(After he has to have only one cherry since Ernie ate all of the other ones) Aw-oh-ho-a-wa…

What’s the matter, Bert? Don’t you want your cherries?

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (faints)

I guess he’s not hungry. (eats the rest of the cherries)

[crying about after the film about number 2 was over] It was such a beautiful, beautiful film, Bert. D-D-Do you know the number 2 was my very favorite number? All of the numbers may have TIRING numbering thing I just loved the number to lose it all.

[tried to comfort Ernie] Ernie. Ernie.

You know, Bert? Do you know, Bert, that there are 2 of us. You and me. Do you have a think of that?? You and me. That makes 2

[tried to comfort Ernie] Yeah.

I love the number 2!!

[tried to comfort Ernie again] Ernie. Ernie! Ernie, it's just a little movie about the number 2.

Yes. It was good, beautiful...Bert. I love it!

Ernie, that's all it was. The world must go on. Ernie. Calm down.

I'm sorry.

Calm down. Okay?

Okay. I'll control myself.

Okay. Try to control yourself.

I'm sorry.

Buck up, kid. Okay. Now you're ready for the next thing?

What's next?

The letter E.

[grows surprised of this] THE LETTER E!!!? (screams) OH, BERT! DID YOU KNOW THAT'S MY FAVOURITE LETTER IN THE ENTIRE ALPHABET!! DID YOU KNOW THAT ERNIE STARTS WITH E!!?

Ernie! Ernie! The telephone's ringing! Ernie, where did you put your telephone?

Uh... let's see. I think it's in the basket here.

The basket.

There. Hello? Hello? Hello? Let's see uh... there we go. Hello? Hello? That's the wrong end. Hello! Hello? Hello! Uh... Hello!

You dodo!

Hello!

You don't know what your telephone looks like??

Of course I do. Uh... let's see uh... This must be a telephone. Hello?

That's a banana, you meatball! NOT a telephone!

SSSHHHH!! Hello? Oh. Uh... he's right here. Now-w-w-w hold on. It's for you.

Hello? Hello!

I'm sorry you can't come to your phone now. But he's talking on a banana.

[groans when Ernie just give Bert a banana phone]

Lets see, I'm going to make an X on the blackboard here. That is I am going to try to make an X. I'm not really sure what an X looks like. Hmm... maybe an X looks like this. [hums while writing a number 2 on a blackboard] No no no. That's not an X. That's nothing but a 2. I'll get rid of that. Let's see. Maybe an X looks like this. Is that an X? No no no. That's not an X. That's nothing but a DUMB 3. Get rid of that one. I guess I really give up on it. I'll wait till ol' Bert comes along. He'll tell me how to make an X. But meanwhile, I'll play myself a game with tic-tac-toe. [Hums while writing two vertical lines and two horizontal lines] And then we go, TICK... TACK... and TOE. Ha! I win! [snickers]. But I still don't know what an X looks like.

Hey, Ernie.

Hey, Bert. Okay. Listen, Bert.

Hey, Ernie!

Yes?

Hey, I see you're doing pretty good with your X's there.

Wait what?

Yeah, your X's on your board. Hey, let's count them, okay? Yeah. Okay. There's 1 X.

You mean that? You mean that thing with that and that? That's an X.

Yeah. That's right. That's an X. Let's count them now. 1 X, 2 X's, 3 X's, 4 X's, 5 X's down in the corner. Hey. That's great, Ernie. You've been studying. OK. Keep up the good work. See you later.

Oh wow! Look at that. I made an X. I made 5 X's. I knew what an X was all along and I didn't now that I even knew it. She was, "I'm gonna go out to make myself an X so that I can carry me wherever I go. Boy. Am I happy? Wow.

Ernie. What'd you have there?

Oh, this is my R collection, Bert.

What?

My R collection. See, I collect Rs, and therefore, this is my R collection.

Ernie, what are you talking about?

Oh, oh, well... I'll show you. Now, see this R right here, I got from "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer".

Rudolph.

You see? Yes. And uh... let's see this R over here I got from the uh... "Rucker's Rhode Island Football Game". And let's see. There's another R in here I got from "Little Red Riding Hood"

Uh Ernie tell me. How do I look?

With your eyes Bert. Keeheeheeheehee!

Ernie c'mon. You know I am going to the Pigeon Lover's Party; its a big event and I want you to look at me and tell me how I look. (Ernie looks up to Bert and gasps twice) Yeah. Good huh? (Chuckles)

Wait a minute. Now hold on. Gee Bert. You look different. In fact you don't look at all like Bert. As a matter of fact, you're not Bert!

Ernie? Of course I'm Bert. Who else would I be?

I don't know but you're not Bert. Now step with me to this picture. That is a picture of Bert up there see? Now Bert wears a white turtleneck and a striped sweater and look at you you. You're wearing a tie and a jacket. And look at Bert. He has sticky up hair and look at you. Your hair is slumped down. See? You're not Bert. (shouts) Bert? Where are you Bert? Bert!

Ernie knock it off.

Listen, what have you done with my old buddy Bert?

Ernie, I am just wearing different clothes and I combed my hair different so that I can look nice for the party.

Listen mister, whoever you are. What have you done with my old buddy Bert? You better bring back Bert here or I'll call a missing Bert bureau.

All right. All right. I'll show you. I am Bert. I'll show you. Stay here and I'll be back.

There is only one Bert and I know what he looks like.

Okay here I am. (Comes in room in his sweater and normal hair) See?

Bert it is you! Now step by the picture so I can make sure. Yes you have the same sticky up hair, turtleneck and striped sweater. Bert it is you!

Of course it is me Ernie!

Wonderful. Hey Bert what are you doing right here? You have to get dressed and comb your hair. You can't go to the pigeon lovers party looking like that Bert.