Saturday Night Live · Season 1
In Springfield, Missouri, the local cable company mistakenly aired five minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network, during an episode of The Flintstones. Experts say that children who saw the broadcast called it the "greatest Flintstones episode ever!"
In literary news, the ever-reclusive J.D. Salinger will publish his first book in 34 years. Asked what inspired him to finally write again, Salinger said, "Get the hell off my lawn!"
Finally, according to the U.S. News & World Report 1997 Career Guide, the best job in the United States, for the second year in a row, is Interactive Business System Analyst. However, last year's worst job, Assistant Crack Whore, has been replaced by a new worst job: Crack Whore Trainee.
They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Brasky talkin' in his sleep!
He hated Mexicans!
And he was half Mexican!
And he hated irony!
Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell): Let's see what Mr. Travolta put: "Miso", a type of soup. Very good. And your wager? "Horny". "Miso Horny".
John Travolta (Darrell Hammond): (laughing) Oh, come on, that's hilarious!
No, it isn't!
In January, production will begin on the seventh season of MTV's The Real World. The seven young people appearing in the series will represent different backgrounds, ages, religions and sexual orientations. However, this year, they will share one trait in common—I will hate them.
(as the new Weekend Update anchorman) You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn't there? You ask, "Where's Jeff?" "Jeff no longer works here, I'm Steve." And you're thinking, "Hey, who's this idiot? I like Jeff." But you still want your drink? And even though Steve doesn't mix your drink the same way you're used to, like Jeff, you still like the same bar, you don't want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn't. Well...I'm Steve. What can I get you?
Let's move on to "Current U.S. Presidents", for $400. And the answer is: "He is the current U.S. President. [No one responds, so more clue is revealed] He has white hair, and you've probably seen him in the news. His first name is 'Bill' [No response] Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently. His last name is Clinton! His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, 'Who is Bill Clinton?'" Someone just say it! Anyone. [Timer sounds] And the show has reached a new low.
Let's see what you put: "2". The number 2!
Jeff Goldblum (David Duchovny): Aha! Aha! The letter 2, my friend!
No, 2 is a number.
I can't read or write.
Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond): The day is mine! I'll take 'Famous Titties' for 400.
'Titles'. 'Famous Titles'.
Damn!
And the answer is: 'This movie title is taken from the name of the book Gone with the Wind.' Mr. Connery.
Dolly Parton.
'Titles', Mr. Connery. Not 'Titties'.
Not a fan of the ladies, are you, Trebek?
Live, from New York, it's Gloatin' Time!
I've got to ask you about 'The Penis Mightier'.
The what? No. No, no, that's 'The Pen Is Mightier'.
Gussy it up however you want, Trebek, what matters is: does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?!
It's not a product, Mr. Connery.
Because I've ordered devices like that before - wasted a pretty penny, I don't mind telling you. And if 'The Penis Mightier' works, I'll order a dozen.
It's not a penis mightier, Mr. Connery. There's no such thing.
Nicolas Cage (Jimmy Fallon): Wait, wait, are you selling penis mightiers?
No! No I'm not!
Well, you're sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!
Let's see what all of you wrote. We'll start with you, Mr. Cage. You wrote... and your podium's gone.
I don't know where it went. I'm confused.
You lost your podium? I don't see... You know what? I don't care. Let's move on. Calista Flockhart.
Calista Flockhart (Drew Barrymore): [louder than before] What? What?
Settle down, just relax. You wrote...nothing. And your wager? Nothing!
The pen was too heavy.
Fair enough. Mr. Connery?
We meet again.
Let's see your answer. I guess that's your wager: a buck. Fine. And your answer is..."Futter". Buck Futter. I don't get it.
Oh...I think you do, Trebek. I think you do, indeed.
Well, thanks for joining us.
Buck Futter!
You know, when the people here asked me to do the show, I’ve got to say, I felt kind of weird. I don’t know if you remember this, but I used to actually be on this show. I used to do the "Weekend Update" news routine, you remember that? That’s where I did the make-believe news jokes, you know? That was me, right? So then, a year and a half ago, right, I had sort of a disagreement with the management at NBC. I wanted to keep my job. Right? And they felt the exact opposite. So you see, they fired me because they said that I wasn’t funny. Now, with most jobs, I could have had a hell of a lawsuit on my hands for that, but see, this is a comedy show. So, they got me. But, now, this is the weird part, it’s only a year and a half later, and now, they ask me to host the show. So I wondered, I go, "hey, wait a sec. Heeeyyyyy! How did I go in a year and a half from being not funny enough to be even allowed in the building, to being so funny that I’m now hosting the show? How did I suddenly get so goddamn funny?!"
It was inexplicable to me, because a year and a half, let’s face it, is not enough time for a dude to learn how to be funny. Then it occurred to me: I haven’t gotten funnier, the show has gotten really bad! So, yeah, I’m funny compared to, you know, what you’ll see later. Okay, so let’s recap. The bad news is: I’m still not funny. The good news is: the show blows!
Alright, folks, we've got a bad show for you tonight!
Burt Reynolds (Norm Macdonald): Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You're an ass bite. Pardon my French.
French Stewart (Jimmy Fallon): My name's French!
Yeah, who gives a damn?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Saturday Night Live pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
