TV show quotes
The press hasn't been overly kind.
Yeah, I read that stuff: "Saturday Night Live is Saturday Night Dead."
[groans] Oh, come on, geez.
"From Yuck to Yeech." [cast groans still] My favorite though, is, "Vile From New York."
[groans] Please, Bill.
Come on! It's funny, it's funny!
After five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [His name appeared on screen] So, NBC wants to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [His name appeared on screen again] But instead, without consulting the show's staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian. Now, I don't want to be cruel to Jean -- because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [His name appeared again] Anyway, it took NBC 12 shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean. Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone like me, Al Franken? [His name appeared again] No, they picked Dick Ebersol. I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn't know Dick. Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No english-speaking person could do the worst job than Jean. And I think it's time that we should get this tired old format off the air. So if you write for me, Al Franken. [His name appeared again] Just write to: Put SNL To Sleep, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, New York, 10020. And one more thing, me and Tom Davis are hosting Saturday Night Live next week, with musical guest, The Grateful Dead. So watch that. After that, don't watch it anymore.
[Audience applauds]
And that's the news, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Live, from New York, it's the Eddie Murphy show!
Live, from New York, it's the Lily Tomlin show!
It was all a dream. A horrible, horrible dream.
(singing "The Lady I Know")
There's a lady I know
If I didn't know her
She'd be the lady I didn't know.
And my lady, she went downtown
She bought some broccoli
She brought it home.
She's choppin' broccoli
Choppin' broccoli
Choppin' broccoli
Choppin' broccoli
She's choppin' broccoli
She's choppin' broccoli
She's chop.. ooh!
She's choppin' broccola-ah-ie!
(hypnotically at camera) You, watching this at home, worship me! I command you! Become my willing thralls and live enternally!
That's all for this edition of "The People's Court."
Know the sweet, sublime feeling of complete obedience to your Evil Master! Come serve me, the Prince of Darkness, I command it! Hear me!
Come on, let's go! Come on!
Wait, wait just a second... Obey me! Obey me! (laughs wickedly)
Tonight's top story: Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse turned up in the People's Republic of China this week to promote their series in Chinese television. This is just part of a worldwide Disney organization, which also includes "Goofy in Beirut" and also a new Disney character, "Hassenfutz in Nicaragua."
And the New York Mets defeated the Boston Red Sox in Game 6 of the World Series tonight, prompting New York Yankees owner, George Steinbrenner to fire his manager Lou Piniella.
If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.
If I had two wishes that I could wish for this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace...and the second would be for $30 million a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.
You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing, the second would be for the $30 million every month to me, and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.
And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, first would be the crap about the kids, second would be for the $30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model, Paulina somebody, I can't think of her name, of course my lovely wife could come, too. She's behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you.
Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish! So, if I made that the first wish, because, you know, it could all go boom tomorrow, and then what have you got? No, no, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. Wait a minute, who am I kidding? I mean, they're not gonna be able to get all those kids together! I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible! It's more trouble than it's worth! So, we reorganize, here we go. First, the sex thing—we go with that; second, the money. No! We go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell! That would be the fourth wish! And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you, everybody, and Merry Christmas.
Sam Donaldson (Kevin Nealon): Vice-President Bush, there are millions of homeless in this country - children who go hungry, and lacking in other basic necessities. How would the Bush administration achieve your stated goal of making this a kinder, gentler nation?
George Bush (Dana Carvey): Well, that is a big problem, Sam, and unfortunately the format of these debates makes it hard to give you a complete answer. If I had more time, I could spell out the program in greater detail, but I'm afraid, in a short answer like this, all I can say is we're on track - we can do more - but we're getting the job done, so let's stay on course, a thousand points of light. Well, unfortunately, I guess my time is up.
Diane Sawyer (Jan Hooks): Mr. Vice-President, you still have a minute-twenty.
What? That can't be right. I must have spoken for at least two minutes.
No, just forty seconds, Mr. Vice-President.
Really? Well, if I didn't use the time then, I must have just used the time now, talking about it.
No, no, Mr. Vice-President, it's not being counted against you.
Well, I just don't want it to count against Governor Dukakis' time.
It won't. It will come out of the post-debate commentary.
Do you think that's a good idea?
You still have a minute-twenty, Mr. Vice-President.
Well, more has to be done, sure. But the programs we have in place are doing the job, so let's keep on track and stay the course.
You have fifty seconds left, Mr. Vice-President.
Let me sum up. On track, stay the course. Thousand points of light.
Governor Dukakis, rebuttal?
Michael Dukakis (Jon Lovitz): I can't believe I'm losing to this guy.
You know, I've been coming here to do Saturday Night Live since 1976, and the thing that keeps bringing you back is the people you get to work with...and I would like to show you something we recorded on this stage in 1978. [Steve then shows the season 3 sketch "Dancing in the Dark", in which he dances with original cast member Gilda Radner, who had passed away the day the episode premiered] You know, when I look at that tape, I can't help but think how great she was, and how young I looked. Gilda, we miss you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Saturday Night Live pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
