I'm not sure what to make of this drastic change of course in my life. I'm certainly not against it. Over the past two decades, I have developed a strict routine, which I followed religiously, you might say, a way of living and-and thinking, or not thinking, as was often the point of, well, the point. Now, this way of being didn't encourage the contemplation that a day like today could ever occur, or a tomorrow like tomorrow w-will be for me now. I had convinced myself, that kind of optimism served no useful purpose in the world where I existed. Obviously, this radical belief system was flawed, and was, ironically, a kind of fantasy itself. At the least, I feel that those specific coping skills were best suited to the life there behind me. I doubt they will serve me so well for the life in front of me. So, I will seriously need to reconsider my world view.
Word gets back before you do. Decent guys on the row won't look at you now, they're too embarrassed for you. Then there are the ones who when you pass by their cells they look at you with the basest form of curiosity, Ted, like you are some freak show and they want to get all their money's worth because more than anything, they're aroused by another's shame. You know? And there is a very special group on the row, who look at you with this look like... how can I describe it for you Ted so you can really understand it. It's like they pull you into their cell and not just do things to you, but literally consume you. Take your breath. Eat your heart. And shit you out like you were nothing. [pause] I'm sorry. I'm sure that was more than you were... But it is difficult to gauge things in this world. Like you, I suppose, hard to know where the lines are.
Maybe it was when they first saw something akin to optimism on your face, or a bit of peace, or just that moment when you begin to believe that you could survive it in some paradoxical way. I don't know why they did it. Justification is a slippery slope, Ted.
It shocked me to find you here. You know, just not used to contemplating all the variables one might encounter. I mean, there were variables inside, but it wasn't like out here, where it's... you know, if you don't have the years of experiences, if there isn't the repetition of everyday living to make things mundane, because mundane is calming and soothing, mundane isn't out of the ordinary. And when everything is out of the ordinary, it can be too much sometimes, you know? Like finding you behind this door, when I didn't even consider there could be somebody else behind this door but my sister. Your mind puts it together, of course, but even just the door opening is still very unreal.
[reading from pamphlet] Proper prisoner behavior consists fundamentally of the following: freedom from self-injury, absence of unhygienic acts, significant decrease in problematic behaviors, motivation to change, absence of destructive behaviors.
[eulogizing Rutherford] Occasionally I would see Mr. Gaines away from the crowd. Catch his eye and understand just how difficult it is for two people to come together in the face of such intoxicating lunacy.
Sittin' in this tomb, day after day, puttin' up with this food, puttin' up wit' your pale, white ass. What's whack is I still wanna live, every day. What's that about?
Daniel Holden
[laughs] Vitamin A deficiency. You trip me out, D.
I can't quite get a handle on the concept of time yet. There have been moments here today where I feel like I've only been gone a few weeks, and I'm still in high school. But mostly it seems like I was always there. So you may have to tell me, Mother.
The place where I was had no windows, just these thick walls surrounded by more thick walls. So I never knew if it was raining or even heard the loudest thunder.
Now that I'm here in this world where everything's marked by hours or dates or events, I find myself in a state of constant anticipation. What it is I'm anticipating, I'm not always sure, nor is it necessarily a pleasant feeling. But in the case of the inevitable rain and thunder which I am sure to experience, thanks to you Tawney, I am very much looking forward to that.
I'm just so aware that most of what I draw on from inside my head are things I've read about. My real life experiences are actually rather narrow. I don't think about the seasons, not for the longest time, anyway.
I don't feel that way, sorry for myself. I do feel I am being received sometimes that way, by others. And I know I have a part in that somehow, I just don't have it figured out yet.
Rectify · 69 quotes
Daniel Holden
