Ted and Brian in “[Episode 508]”

Come on Brian, you can't fool me. You gotta free yourself of this burden. Release it, let it all hang out!

[Deadpan] My mother is a frigid bitch, my father was an abusive drunk; they had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling, or unable, to form a long-term committed relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs and have more or less redefined promiscuity doesn't help, much. As a result I've lost the two people in my life that mean the most to me. [Referring to Justin and Michael]

There. Don't you feel better.

No. But I'm sure you do.