Lassiter: I'm gonna crack her like a bad back!
Chief Vick: Please don't.

Lassiter: Just so we're clear, [he holds his hand high]Cops are here. [he holds up his other hand, much further down] Bounty hunters are here. [he moves the first hand directly on top of the second] And psychics are here.
Gus: Dude, we beat out bounty hunters!
Lassiter: By a knuckle.
Shawn: Where are orthodontists on this list?

Lassiter: Where is the restaurant manager?
Shawn: Probably inside managing the restaurant.

Lassiter: You missed something. We found prints.
Shawn: Was he in a little red corvette?
Gus: Under a cherry moon?
Lassiter: FINGER-prints!

Lindsay Leiken: That's ridiculous.
Shawn: Is it? It's not like I'm wearing a giant moose costume.

Mira: [to Gus] You are so sweet.
Shawn: Yep, he's sweet alright. His head is like a chocolate covered honeydew.

Mrs. Gafne: I like my wine the same way I like my men. White, and hairy.
Shawn: That doesn't make any sense. None whatsoever. But I can see where Mira gets her spunkiness!

Nigel St. Nigel: [arriving at Henry's house] Good Lord! Who lives here, the Boringtons?
Shawn: There's a better than decent chance this goes poorly.

Nigel St. Nigel: I feel like an angel baby swaddled in a cocoon of cloud candy.(Talking about Henry's Robe)

Nigel St. Nigel: I feel like I have been incarcerated in a blueberry. This car makes me want to weep and then die.

Nigel St. Nigel: Nose hair trimmer. Invest.
Henry: Can you even remember what it felt like to be able to move the muscles in your face?
Nigel St. Nigel: Who decorated this place? Kris Kristofferson?
Henry: I built that table.
Nigel St. Nigel: Really? I'm pretty sure if I were to build a table, I would start by using wood that had never drifted.
Henry: All right. You know... that's it.
Nigel St. Nigel: Already? I'm just getting started. I've got a sonnet for each piece of fish paraphernalia.
Henry: Oh yeah? Well I've got an ice-cold can of whup-ass just sitting in that fridge!
Shawn: Actually it's diet whup-ass.

Old Lady: [in a dance-ready pose with Gus, but standing still] Spin me! [neither moves] Marvelous!

Quintessa Gabriel: When you're done upstairs, can you go in the garage and get my nail gun?
Shawn: ...QUE?

Security Guard: How the hell did you two get in here? You're coming with me.
Gus: I don't think so!
Shawn: [flashing badge] BAM! Say it with me: Vis-i-tors baaaadge!
Gus: Do something. I dare you!
Security Guard: I'll be watching you.
Shawn: We'll be gettin' watched!

Security Guard: I'm sorry. I can't let you guys in.
Shawn: We're on the VIP list. Perhaps you recognize us as the modeling team Black and Tan.
Security Guard: Last names?
Shawn: No last names. One of us is Black and one of us is Tan. Just check the list.
Security Guard: Wow. It's really you. Right this way, Tan.
Shawn: Excuse me? I'm Black. He's Tan. I can't believe you just made that assumption. You should be ashamed of yourself and your family.