Poppa quotes from Poppa's House

Poppa

Can you believe they're using artificial intelligence to make me say things I would never ever say?

Poppa

Bullseye!

Damon

Hey, Dad.

Poppa

Boy.

Damon

Hey, Pop. I need a favor.

Poppa

Son, can I at least get a sip of tea before you start asking me for favors?

Damon

Hey, yeah. You do your thing, man. Sip it up.

Damon

Can you pick the kids up from school today? I have a meeting with an ad agency to direct some spots.

Poppa

I thought you told Nina that you were gonna stop chasing that directing dream.

Damon

I said I was going to. I didn't put a hard clock on it.

Poppa

Oh. So, you lied to your wife.

Damon

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Never. Our entire relationship is built on complete trust. I'm merely protecting her in case I don't get the job, that way, I don't have to see that disappointed look in her eyes.

Poppa

Oh. your mom had that look. It was her only look. So, what does the foam roller king think about you taking meetings on a work day?

Damon

Well, you know, I just tell JJ, I'm on a sales run, I go in and crush my meetings, back to work, no harm, no foul.

Poppa

Well, there is a foul. You're stealing time from your boss.

Damon

Look, dad, I know you guys go way... You good?

Poppa

Yeah. I'm good. I'm good.

Damon

Look, I know you guys go way back, but, I can't stand working for that dude. It's like having a human hemorrhoid for a father-in-law.

Poppa

This is true, but JJ loaned you money to buy that house next door, and he gave you a job so you can pay him back. That's a contract.

Damon

Well, I can pay him back a lot quicker if you bought a couple hundred of these bad boys.

Poppa

They don't do nothing for me. Look, I paid for your film school, son. That's it. Now I support you emotionally.

Damon

Dad, you know that George Clooney once gave 15 of his best friends a million dollars each?

Poppa

(blows raspberry) That's nothing. I once gave an enemy 5 million dollars.

Damon

Really, who?

Poppa

Your mother. In the divorce.

Damon

She told me it was 3.

Poppa

That's 'cause she didn't want to pay for film school.

Damon

She's the worst. That's my mother.

Poppa

Poppa's House, how you got your boy.

Ivy

Is this the Poppa?

Poppa

The one and only. Never lonely.

Ivy

Right. Why do you reduce every conversation you have with a woman to sex?

Poppa

Oh. It's not me. It's my ding-a-ling.

Ivy

There you go again. Another reflexively asinine comment.

Poppa

First of all, my asinine is a 10. And secondly, I thought we wasn't talking about sex honey dip.

Ivy

It's doctor.

Poppa

Ooh. Doctor. Like Doctor Doctor. So, if someone's having a heart attack on a plane, you raised your hand.

Ivy

No. Not that kind of doctor.

Poppa

They're not really a doctor I mean.

Ivy

I have a PhD in psychology and I know men like you.

Poppa

Really? Could you put one of them on the phone, 'cause I'm poorly talking with you.

Ivy

You're probably sitting there with your goofy baseball cap, talk to the side in your menopause cardigan, thinking that your scruffy beard makes you look cool, but it really just makes you look like a ghetto Poppa smirked.

Poppa

Ha. You couldn't be more wrong about me.

Damon

Look, dad. If you want to relax on camera, I tell my actors these 3 things. Right? Quiet hands, always smile, and never look in your camera.

Poppa

That's it?

Damon

That's it.

Poppa

Nothing else.

Damon

Well, let Dr. Reed know whose house she lived in.

Poppa

What do you mean?

Damon

Whose house is Dr. Reed in?

Poppa

My house.

Damon

Get up. Say it. Poppa's House. Say it.

Poppa

She's in Poppa's House.

Damon

Whose house is Dr. Reed in?

Poppa

She's in my house.

Damon

She's in your house and she's trespassing.

Poppa

That's right.

Damon

The living legend. 6 time Marconi radio award winner...

Poppa

7 times.

Damon

7 time Marconi radio award winner. The master of the Mike, the king of the commute, the Adonis of audio...

Poppa

The MJ of the airwaves.

Damon

Oh, give me that LeBron.

Damon

W–W–W–W... Why do you think I always want something from you?

Poppa

B–B–B–B... Because you always do.

Damon

But, here's the best part. He got accepted into Buckingham.

Poppa

The Palace?!

Damon

That's healthy.

Poppa

Thank you.

Damon

Dad, come on, man. This is an emergency. I need your help.

Poppa

Can't you see I'm on the floor, folks?

Damon

Oh, my god. Dad. Are you able to owe me some money? I gotta get a replacement for this wedding before Nina kills me. It's the third time I lost it.

Poppa

I have a question for you, son. You ever asked yourself "Hey. Why was Dad on the floor?".

Damon

Did you hurt your back?

Poppa

Yes. My sciatica is acting up.

Damon

Okay. Well, you should go to the doctor, then.

Damon

What's up, Dad?

Poppa

Hey. Just the man I want to see. I have us, two tickets to the Mets game.

Poppa

Why are you hanging out with that dude? I hate him.

Damon

Yeah, you hate everyone. All right? He and I are jabronis with an emphasis on bro. We made a pack that if one of us made it, we bring the other along and he just finished shooting a movie for Paramount.

Damon

So I think we need to get on the same page. And I have exciting news for you, dad. JJ has chosen you to be the spokesperson for this innovative new product.

Poppa

Okay. Before I tell you where you could put that thing. I want to ask you a couple of questions.

Poppa

You know, right now, my life is designed to only do things that make me happy.

Ivy

And I'm sure you're going to elaborate.

Poppa

Yeah, I do. This is special. You should give it to your dad.

Damon

Did you say "give"? I think I heard you say "give".

Poppa

Yoink.

Damon

Sorry, buddy. I'm not giving that to anybody. However, you can buy it from me.

Damon

Watch this. You're gonna say "Phones are a racket!".

Poppa

These phones are a racket! And you know what? I'm taking them away. From now on, at Poppa's House, phones are banned. This is a phone free zone.