Brain[Reading Pinky's letter to Santa] "Dear Santa, Hello, haha, narf. [Glares at a tearful Pinky before continuing] This year, Santa, I ask for nothing, but I wish to tell you about [haltingly] my dear friend, The Brain. He is honest and very hardworking, and only wants what's best for the world. But he gets no reward - he's only greeted with defeat. He never gives up, but I know it must be very hard. So please, take anything you have for me and give it to my best friend in the whole world, The Brain. [Looks sadly over at Pinky, who is crying due to not having given the letter to Santa when he had the chance] Love, Pinky. PS - By any chance, do you have in that big old bag of yours, the world?"
[Pinky activates the mind control device] You're on!
[Brain is too stunned to even speak]
Brain
[Still teary-eyed from Pinky's letter, composing himself] Um, ladies and gentlemen of the world, you will do as I say. For I... I command you. I command you to... [Looks over at Pinky, who is urging him on, before tearfully blurting out] Have a Merry Christmas everyone! Have a merry, merry Christmas! Joy to the world! Yes! [Breaks down sobbing]
Brain
[sarcastically] Oh go ahead, Pinky. I don't need you. What do you think, I just have you around so I can steal your brilliant ideas and claim them as my own? That I'm just using you, Pinky? Oh yes, I'm using you for your brilliance.
That's exactly what Snowball said!
Egads, Brain! We’ve fallen into some kind of intergalactic wormhole!
Brain
[he and Pinky come out of the log, covered in worms] With real worms! Gah! [he and Pinky brushed them off] Look around you, Pinky! The jungle! Poisonous plants, bloodthirsty carnivores, the stench of decay permeating the air.
Actually, I rather like it. [breathes in the air] Smells just like an AirWick solid. Narf!
Brain
Save us, Pinky! Summon all your animal savagery and break through these bonds!
Here I go! [grunts as he tries to break the ropes binding him, to no avail]
[Snowball laughs as he knocks Pinky into the quicksand]
Brain
Pinky?!
It’s alright, Brain! This quicksand broke my fall!
Brain
Quicksand?!
Brain
[after Snowball breaks free of the net and jumps in the river] Snowball! [swings across the river on a vine and holds out his hand] Quickly, Snowball, take my hand.
SSnowball
[splashes Brain] Thanks, but, no thanks, Brain! I don't need your... [goes over a waterfall] Help! [lands in the water] Ha-ha, Brain! You can’t beat me! [screams as he goes over another waterfall]
Brain
After [Snowball], Pinky! He's about to engage the machine!
Poit! I didn't even know they were going steady. We really ought to bring a gift, Brain. [Brain grabs him and runs after Snowball.] You know where they're registered? Congratulations, Snowball! We're so happy for you and your fianceé! A hamster engaged to a big machine? What will people say?
Brain
Stop being foolish, Pinky.
Oh you're right, Brain, as long as they're happy. We should get them something nice; a fondue set, maybe. I mean, after all, we are getting tight hats in the bargain.
[Brain finds Billie at the controls of the machine]
Egad, Brain! Snowball's turned into a mouse!
Brain
No, Pinky, it's Billie.
Billie's turned into a hamster? [Brain grabs him and smacks him with his hat repeatedly] She's a mouse! She's a hamster! She's a mouse! She's a hamster! She's a mouse and a hamster? [laughs deliriously]
Brain
[about Snowball's plan] ...and execute me in the process.
SSnowball
Oh, don't be silly, Brain. It would take all the fun out of life; I derive my greatest pleasure from making you squirm.
I derive my greatest pleasure from making Brain squirt milk out of his nose! [Snowball and Brain bop Pinky on the head] Natch!
Brain
Just look for a document called the Pinky Protocol.
The Pinky Protocol? What's that?
[Brain glances left then right]
Brain
They don't want you to know.
[That night, at the National Archives, Brain, wrapped in bandages with his arm in a sling after his injuries at the golf by former president Gerald Ford, looks up at Pinky through the mail slot]
Brain
Now reel me up, Pinky. Slowly.
[Using a fishing pole, Pinky slowly reels him up]
Poit! Are you sure you don't wanna rest a bit?
[Brain bumps his bandaged foot at the door each time he sways back and forth]
Brain
There's no time to rest, Pinky. Ooh! Now that we have the document signed… Ah! …we must place it in the National Archives… [groans as if to say, "Doors!"] …so that it can be discovered. Ow!
[He reaches the top of the mail slot]
Brain
Now, push open the mail slot and hoist me in.
[Pinky accidentally lets go of the reel and pushes the mail slot open. Brain screams and hits the ground. Inside, Pinky lands on the floor]
[He reels the fishing pole line quickly. Brain grabs the rolled-up document and hangs on for dear life as he bumps the mail slot, then falls and lands hard on the floor]
Poit! Are you alright, Brain?
Brain
I'm fine, Pinky.
Pinky and the Brain · 55 quotes