Penn quotes from Penn & Teller: Bullshit!

Penn

We're pretty sure that if you live in a beach-house in the US, you probably shouldn't be trying to tell starving people in the rest of the world that you're fighting the technology that could feed their children.

Penn

There are two things you say for sure about the Ouija board. One, it'll set you back about twenty bucks. Two, it's bullshit!

Penn

Ethical means moral or proper which differs for every person, it's something to discuss! It's not an absolute, it just sounds nice, it's like 'pro-choice' and 'pro-life', I mean, c'mon! Everyone is pro-choice and pro-life! It's for or against abortion that your group is about, and who wouldn't wanna treat animals ethically, anyway? I mean nobody gets off slapping their monkey or choking their chicken or roughing up their clam!

Penn

SHOWS LIKE THIS!? What shows like this? Is HBO running a show called “Horse Shit” or “Crock-a-Shit”? What other shit shows are there out there? We rule shit!

Penn

In just a month after animals were released, they would be back in animal prison for trespassing, failure to pay their taxes, assaulting people—and each other, and for fucking and shitting all over the shitty, fuckin' place! Life is not Disney bullshit where the lions and pigs and... meerkats get together and sing songs.

Penn

PETA euthanized 1,325 dogs and cats that year at its headquarters! Did that register? PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, kills animals themselves. They only took in 2,103, so PETA killed almost two-thirds of the animals they rescued.

Penn

The PETA you don't know would outlaw fishing, circuses, dog shows, horseback riding and zoos. They even oppose using service animals like eye-dogs for the blind. Fucking blind bastards torturing those dogs! In PETA, there's no room for Kentucky Fried Chicken, or the Kentucky Derby. See you, Shamu! And forget about smearing honey all over your fuck buddy, because even bees are persecuted by the man. And pets are forbidden in PETA's world too. That's right! No pets. Hey all you pet lovers who donate to PETA, feel like a sucker yet?

Penn

No animals were harmed in the making of this episode of Bullshit. Well, except the fucking chickens. Oh, and the- and the ribs, that's a cow. And our sexy leather boy outfits and the furcoats and oh, y'know a lot of the food is catered and they served some meats, there's probably a couple of diabetics on the crew that need insulin, almost forgot Teller's ass, and I guess the building we tape in has some animal products 'cause they're commonly used in brick, plaster, cement and insulation. Some of the furniture was probably made using animal-based glue, and there's a lot of animal stuff used in musical instruments, so maybe the theme song injured some animals. Oh and the videotape contains Mylar, and that's made from animal by-products, but other than that, though!

Penn

[Teller shows a pan] This is drugs. [Teller shows some eggs, with the description of several types of civil liberties written on them] These are your liberties. [cut to Penn on a steamroller] AND THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT.

Penn

Any questions?

Penn

[sarcastically, shouting over the roaring machinery] Man! These are GREAT FUCKING JOBS! If only we didn't have to be LAS VEGAS ENTERTAINERS and TV HOSTS!

Penn

It's fair to say that the Bible contains equal amounts of fact, history, and pizza.

Penn

Now why wouldn't God just appear to Pharaoh, and say it himself? Because God works in mysterious, inefficient, and breathtakingly cruel ways.

Penn

Monty Python's Life of Brian was more historically accurate than Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ.

Penn

God works in mysterious, inefficient, and breathtakingly cruel ways.

Penn

Take some time and put the Bible on your summer reading list. Try and stick with it cover to cover. Not because it teaches history; we've shown you it doesn't. Read it because you'll see for yourself what the Bible is all about. It sure isn't great literature. If it were published as fiction, no reviewer would give it a passing grade. There are some vivid scenes and some quotable phrases, but there's no plot, no structure, there's a tremendous amount of filler, and the characters are painfully one-dimensional. Whatever you do, don't read the Bible for a moral code: it advocates prejudice, cruelty, superstition, and murder. Read it because: we need more atheists — and nothin' will get you there faster than readin' the damn Bible.