Andy Sipowicz quotes from NYPD Blue

Sipowicz

There's no rules in being a father.

Sipowicz

Hey, did you know that New York City tap water tastes better than bottled water? That's not me saying that. That's independent testing.

Sipowicz

[referring to Off. Roy Larson back in the locker room] What'll it take before somebody drops a gorilla net over this guy?

Andy

So let's not snag our pants on your sharp ethics, here, all right?

Andy

If I got dick-fist, Brigham, my fist looks like your face.

Andy

Beep. Beep.

Andy

"He embarrassed the job"

Andy

And piss runs uphill, right, Captain? An you're a stand-up guy.

Andy

It's IAB - they can't find their own heads up their asses!

Andy

Takes me 22 years to make second grade, this guy gets there shoving away squeegie-bums.

Costas

I'd say res ipsa loquitur if I thought you knew what it meant.

Sipowicz

[grabbing his crotch] Hey, ipsa this you pissy little bitch!

Kelly

Andy. Stay cool, all right? Fancy wants to make sure you got your feet under you. That's all.

Sipowicz

Oh, you think so, huh? I figure he's seeing if I can set a world's record for twiddlin' my thumbs.

Kelly

What ho.

Sipowicz

What ho.

Kelly

What's going on in there?

Sipowicz

Ah, Walker just caught a case. Now he's voicing some reservations to the lieutenant about me workin' backup.

Kelly

This is gonna take some time, Andy.

Sipowicz

Come on, John. Please, I understand my situation. I spent a long period of time being sauced. I need to win back my colleagues' trust. I've got to exhibit a continuous positive approach. Even with this dim bulb here.

Yes, I got it all. An evil energy threatening the galaxy. Right. Also threatening you personally with a laser death squad. I got it. Nevermi... I'm not impatient. It's just, we're really busy here with crimes on planet Earth. Okay. Thanks for your phone call. [to Andy]

A nut case.

Sipowicz

Yeah, I gathered.

All part of my job.

Yes, I remember you. I'm glad you called back. My superiors authorized me to release some classified information to you. This is on a top-secret basis. They want me to let you know the gravity shelf is in remission. The laser death team got recalled. Well, if the death team disobeys orders from shelf headquarters...

Sipowicz

[whispering] Aluminum foil.

In the small event that occurs, just crumple two pieces of aluminum foil and stuff them in your undershorts. It defeats their sensor rays. Definitely. This could collapse the empire of the gravity shelf. Yes, these are great days. Okay. Goodbye.

Sipowicz

[applauding] You saved the galaxy.

How did you handle the big four-oh, Andy?

Sipowicz

Well, as far as I can remember, I dedicated that year to Seagram's 7.