Abby Stone quotes from Night Court (2023)

Abby

Aw, only one jelly. Sorry. Everyone else?

Abby

Trust me. This is not a party.

Abby

Hey, great to see ya. Thanks for coming out.

Abby

Okay, so who threw the first punch?

[At the same time]

He did!

I did?

YOU DID!

Dan Fielding

My late wife, Sarah, was in recovery for a few years even before we met, and she was always adamant about being of service to others. I often thought that she went too far. I was selfish. I wanted her to be with me. But I soon realized that it was as much, if not more, for her than it was for those other folks. And when she couldn't help someone find their way, it weighed on her. Maybe like this has been weighing on you.

Abby

What was she in recovery for?

Dan Fielding

Booze.

Abby

Me, too. How did you...

Dan Fielding

"Defects of character". Plus, now I remember you once called a surprise party a "birthday intervention".

Abby

Thanks, Dan.

Dan Fielding

And you know what? Think about it. You were right. Graziano wasn't a criminal.

Abby

So if I was right, that means that you...

Dan Fielding

Don't! Don't finish that. Now, if you don't mind, my time in the clink has made me rather hungry. Too hungry to ask.

Dan Fielding

He's not coming down, is he?

Abby

Something came up at work, so he had to cancel. You know, it's actually better, because I am gonna start planning how to decorate the apartment. I'm gonna get the floor plans, and I'm gonna start measuring, so...

Dan Fielding

You don't have to do that. You don't have to always try and find the positive spin. You're allowed to be mad.

Abby

I think it's better to put positive energy out there.

Dan Fielding

You know what? Let's try something for the next few minutes. Just allow yourself to be angry.

Abby

No, I don't think...

Dan Fielding

No, just try it.

Abby

No, it's just not how I...

Dan Fielding

Just try it.

Abby

Would you stop interrupting me?! I have enough going on already! Nothing is going how I planned! My apartment makes me smell disgusting! I have to eat chicken breakfast at 4:00 in the afternoon! I can't unsubscribe from any e-mail list, which has nothing to do with the move, but it's very frustrating!

Dan Fielding

Anything else?

Abby

And Rand isn't here! I want him to be here to help me with this stuff! And, no, I know it's not totally fair to make him uproot his life just for me to pursue a dream, but, ugh, I want it anyway!

Dan Fielding

Don't you think it's a huge mistake bringing children to the court? And Earth in general.

Abby

This is our chance to inspire the next generation of judges and lawyers. Like when my dad came for career day, he did a presentation and mixed in some magic. He brought the house down. Made the book fair look like total trash.

Abby

Mr. Fielding, would you like to meet your Justice Buddy?

Dan Fielding

I reject the premise that I have a Justice Buddy.

Dan Fielding

A mini-horse. Nay, a seeing-eye mini-horse. And according to New York vs. Pongo, mini-horses are allowed on public transit.

Abby

Obviously, I gotta get a look at this guy.

Abby

Upstate, I used to guess horse sizes at the county fair. And that one is a "big".

Dan Fielding

Your Honor, um, I call for a mistrial. I've just learned that the defendant and Ms. Moore have an existing relationship. They share a daily commute, the 5:42 downtown 6 train at Hunter College Station.

Abby

Slow down. I think we just blew right past the big news here.

Abby

And it's attempted murder because?

Dan Fielding

They're vampires.

Abby

Oh, Dan, good. I need your opinion on something. I've been listening to my voice, and is this really what I sound like?

(high-pitched voice) 4 score and 7 years ago, our forefathers brought forth on this continent...

Dan Fielding

No, no. Listen to me. You can't do the interview. As a matter of fact, you have to bar that podcast crew from the courthouse.

Abby

Why would I do that?

Dan Fielding

When I was listing my many accomplishments, I may have implicated myself in just a smidge of malfeasance. I started talking about cocaine a lot. Now Remecca's out to take me down.

Dan Fielding

Well, um, look, I didn't want to have to do this, but I've run out of options. I need you to use your judicial powers to declare a piece of furniture my emotional support bench.

Abby

Do I look like a local radio DJ to you? 'Cause I don't take requests! Very sorry. I'm just coming down from beast mode.

Dan Fielding

This is why the only marathon I've done is 50 back-to-back episodes of Monk on the USA Network.

Abby

The marathon isn't to blame for this, I am. I became a version of myself I didn't like very much, and I'm not even talking about the version that gave me a herniated disc. I didn't like the one that felt that she needed Rand's advice to make friends. I think since I moved down here, I've been able to do things my way, and I liked it.

Dan Fielding

If you know the kind of person that you want to be, you're miles ahead of most of the people on this planet. Yeah, sure, it might be difficult adjusting to the fact that, since you moved, things are changing. Probably difficult for Rand, too. Gotta figure out how he fits into your new life.

Abby

He definitely doesn't fit into the jeans he got in the Meatpacking District.

Dan Fielding

Change is part of life. You either accept it, or one day a guy tries to take your bench away, and you briefly consider dressing it up like a very tall, weird-looking man and sneaking it past a near-sighted maintenance worker.

Abby

Is that a metaphor?

Dan Fielding

I wish it were.