[Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced Paul Anka).]
CMr. Clyde
You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you?
Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"!
S6Girls Town
[Buxom Silver Morgan speaks with her dead ex-boyfriend's father]
GMr. Gardner
I'll never understand what my son saw in you.
Oh, no? [turns to face him]
CACrow [as Silver]
Do these explain anything?
[Silver Morgan, played by the ample-chested Mamie Van Doren, steps out of the car and stands at an angle emphasizing her prominent bustline.]
CCrow
Let's see, where should I be looking right now...?
Any.. studs around here?
SSerafina
Any what?
Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags!
SSerafina
Only the gardeners.
CACrow [as Serafina]
And Father Fabio!
[At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]
I'm just a lonely boy…
Why does that not surprise me?
[Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]
The music that rocked America… gently to sleep.
[At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.]
The Velvet Hog! [N]
[Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]
SAServo [as Operator]
Girls Town, please hold.
SAServo [as Hold Music]
[singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"] Our father, who art in heaven…
. . .
SAServo [as Operator]
All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. [N]
[Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.]
Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ten times! I can't get anyone to answer!
CACrow [as Operator]
Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?!
[The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop]
SMSilver Morgan
Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy!
Especially since he's thirty-eight!
[After attempting to force himself on his date, Chip tumbles over the edge of a cliff.]
MNMike Nelson [as Chip]
[screams, then pauses] Hey, look, a moral! [resumes screaming]
. . .
[Chip hits the ground and dies.]
SAServo [as Chip]
Uh... call me?
. . .
[Fred, played by Mel Tormé, hears the scream and sees Chip's date run away. He and his date head over to investigate.]
FFred
Chip! Hey, Chip! Where are ya, Chip?
CACrow [as Chip's corpse]
Down here! I got a crick in my neck!
. . .
FFred
Chip, come on! Say something, Chip!
CACrow [as Chip's corpse]
"Wuh-aughhh!"
. . .
[Fred and his date find Chip's broken body at the bottom of the cliff.]
MAMike [as Chip's corpse]
Howdy! I think the date's going pretty well!
[Over the opening title]
Girls Town Boys' Club welcomes you to Girls Town.
[A rumble breaks out. Big band music plays throughout.]
CCrow
Yes, it's teenage angst with Les Brown and his Band of Renown!
. . .
[A girl tries to break up a fight by putting a bucket on one boy's head]
MAMike [as boy]
You make sun go away. You are powerful.
. . .
[Silver hits Chip with a pie.]
Fight choreography by Jimmy Ben Lasen.
. . .
[Two girls fight on the dock with oars.]
And down goes Blaze!
. . .
This is why there's no alcohol at Euro Disney.
. . .
[A police car can be seen.]
MAMike [as policeman]
Nobody called us about the party. Over.
Maybe it's time you level with me.
CACrow [as Mary Lee]
You know how we're both hot?
MLMary Lee
Well, you remember the night you stood Chip up?
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
He died.
MLMary Lee
Well, he was real sore when he didn't find you...
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
And then he died.
MLMary Lee
... and he asked me to go in his place.
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
And then I killed him and he died.
MLMary Lee
He always kept saying I was too young to go anyplace, so I went.
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
And I killed him and he got all dead!
Oh, great.
MLMary Lee
It was fun at first when he only kissed me...
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
He wasn't dead then.
MLMary Lee
But then he...
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
...died.
MLMary Lee
... he started...
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
... being killed by me...
MLMary Lee
... getting too fresh and I ran away. Chip caught me and tried to throw me down on the ground...
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
Right before he got dead.
MLMary Lee
And then...
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
He died.
MLMary Lee
Rocks slipped out from under his feet...
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
And then he became killed.
MLMary Lee
He fell...
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
And he died.
So that's how they found my lipstick in his car! But where'd his friend come in?
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
He's not dead!
MLMary Lee
He saw it happen.
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
He died.
MLMary Lee
He thought it was you at first...
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
And then he died.
MLMary Lee
...until he saw me again.
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
And I killed him.
And all the time, you've been letting me sit here in jailsville!
MLMary Lee
[sobbing] I'm sorry, Silver, I tried to tell you the first time I came here!
CACrow [as Mary Lee]
[exaggerated sobbing] I TRIED TO TELL YOU THE FIRST TIME I CAME HERE!!!
It's all over the dam...
MAMike [as Silver]
I just can't believe you went out with Chip!
[Silver begins laughing]
MLMary Lee
What are you laughing at?
SAServo [as Silver]
Oh, something in Dilbert. Never mind.
It's not over the dam, it's over the cliff! Funny, huh?
MAMike [as Silver]
Ah, well forget it.
MLMary Lee
I'm scared... Fred's trying to send me to Tijuana.
CACrow [as Mary Lee]
And trade me for a chicken.
Tijuana?!
SAServo [as Mary Lee]
Maybe I can push Herb Alpert over a cliff...
S6The Dead Talk Back
[The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"]
Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.