[During the end credits]
Crow: Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead!

[During the end credits]
Servo: Ah, well.
Crow: Have you seen the outtakes for this film?
Mike: No, did they show 'em on Bloopers and Practical Jokes?
Servo: No, uh, Faces of Death, actually. [They all laugh.] Sounds like Miami Vice. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think?
Mike: No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the USA network.
Servo: Oh! The USA-- [imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s] I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. [imitates the fanfare again]
Mike: Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]
Crow: Yeah, that or-- [As a TV announcer] "Jeff Conaway and Shari Belafonte-Harper play a deadly game of cat and mouse in Murder Most Moist."
Servo: Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. [As a TV announcer] "Judy Landers is on the trail of a devious killer in Peekaboo Lace, P.I."
Crow: That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout [Announcer] "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in Dark Underpants"?
Mike: How about this one? [Announcer] "Lindsay Wagner is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in Tongue Lashing!"
Crow: I like it!
Servo: Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in French Pistol. CATCH IT!" [as they laugh] This is fun! Yeah.
Mike: Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in Death Spank!"
Servo: Ooh, good one, "Death Spank"!
Crow: I've got a good one. How about "Chris Lemmon and Heather Locklear form a crime fighting unit in The Lingerie Justice Files"?
Servo: Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and Morgan Fairchild are The Crotchless Killers."
Crow: I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got-- Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between Richard Chamberlain and Ben Vereen in Tap Pant Desire"?
Servo: Nice use of Ben Vereen.
Mike: I like the way you think. Try this one on. "William Devane tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders!"
Servo: Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "Lisa Hartman is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in Cheek Beats."
Crow: You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but-- Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in The Waco Panty Raid."
Mike: Um, uh, "Eric Roberts is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in Naked Came The Nude!"
Servo: "Peter Deluise and Tommy Tune are Cod Police."
Mike: [as they exit the theater] That was good.

[During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence]
Crow: Must...try...hard...to...pad...out...the...film!

[During the final confrontation Troy picks up a rifle and shoots Satoris in the back, who slowly turns to face him.]
Servo [as Satoris]: You shot me in the butt! What the hell?! You shot me IN THE BUTT!

[During the first scene in 2041]
Mike: [derisively] The, uh, future.
[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]
Crow: So, in the future, kids become gay agents?
. . .
Servo: So... 50 years from now will be 3 years from now...
. . .
[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]
Servo: Hey, look--a lesbian... of the future!
[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]
Mike: Food courts... of the future!

[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]
Servo: Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going?
Crow: Yeah Mike, this is your music done by your people, so I blame you for this entire movie.
Servo: Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike!
Mike: Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for?
Crow: Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it.
Mike: Uhhh...
[The music slows down to a power ballad style]
Crow: Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins.
Servo: Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic.
Crow: Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a second, but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted.
Servo: And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but no, Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger!
Crow: Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band!
Servo: You're pathetic.
Crow: You and your '80s!
Servo: Your precious '80s!
Crow: You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you!
Servo: Yeah!
Mike: All right, all right, that's it, that tears it!
[Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]
Crow: You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man!
Servo: Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't!
[After a while Mike sits up]
Mike: Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man.
[Pause of a second]
Servo: Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him!
Crow: No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! [sobbing]
Servo: [sobbing] It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either!
Mike: No no, actually they did end Tom, there there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over.
Servo: [sobbing] I'm sorry, Mike!
Crow: [sobbing] Sorry, Mike!
Mike: It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too.

[during the opening credits]
Crow: Boy, the universe is really cruisin'!
Servo: Hey, there's Taurus the bull!
Mike: And over there's the Constellation Feces.
Crow: Oh, look. Orion is bankrupt.

[During the opening credits]
Mike: Is there such a thing as starring Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy?
. . .
Crow: Starring rejects from Harry-O.
. . .
Servo: If Clu Gulager isn't in this, it'll be very wrong.
Mike: Anthony Zerbe, come on! Please, please, please, please!
. . .
Servo: Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time.
. . .
Servo: Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Denis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?

[During the opening PRC (Producers Releasing Corportation) logo...]
Servo: Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents...

[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of Neil Connery...]
Joel: [singing] He gets his haircut on Tuesdays!
Crow: [singing] He prefers stuffing to potatoes!
Tom Servo: [singing] His favorite movie is Turner and Hooch!

[during the RAM chip segment]
Crow: Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of mutants!
Joel: [chuckles] OK...and a bad thing?
Crow: They were all so stupid, they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life!
Joel: [impressed] You, my friend, get a RAM chip!

[During the title sequence]
Servo: [singing] They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now...

[During Vorelli's act, Hugo gets up and crosses to the refreshment table, where Vorelli is eating ham.]
Crow [as Hugo]: You think he likes ham? Wait 'til you see me like ham!

[During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.]
Joel: Y is the chemical symbol for heavy metals that the fish is full of!

[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]
Roxie: Um... how do you do?
Crow [as corpse]: I'm really, really dead.