Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]
Professor Bueller: Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing.
Servo [as Bueller]: Oh, and you must have a wire rack.
Professor Bueller: Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing.
Servo [as Bueller]: Oh, and you must have a wire rack.
[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]
Man #1: Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well...
Crow [as Man #1]: Uh... er... panties!
Man #1: Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well...
Crow [as Man #1]: Uh... er... panties!
[Buffalo Bill jumps up and down, whooping and cheering excitedly.]
Crow [as Buffalo Bill]: Dukes of Hazzard got renewed!
Crow [as Buffalo Bill]: Dukes of Hazzard got renewed!
[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]
Marta: Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"?
Paul: "Stacked"?
Crow [as Paul]: "Stacked" means you're really smart.
Marta: Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"?
Paul: "Stacked"?
Crow [as Paul]: "Stacked" means you're really smart.
[Buxom Silver Morgan speaks with her dead ex-boyfriend's father]
Mr. Gardner: I'll never understand what my son saw in you.
Silver: Oh, no? [turns to face him]
Crow [as Silver]: Do these explain anything?
Mr. Gardner: I'll never understand what my son saw in you.
Silver: Oh, no? [turns to face him]
Crow [as Silver]: Do these explain anything?
[Buz furtively unzips his jacket and checks the pistol tucked into his belt as he steps out of his car.]
Mike [as Buz]: Wh... oh, a gun. So that was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin.
Mike [as Buz]: Wh... oh, a gun. So that was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin.
[Buzz is performing at a school dance]
Joel, Servo, Crow: [singing to the music] We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white...
. . .
Joel: Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad.
. . .
Crow [as radio host]: Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour...
. . .
[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]
Joel: It stinks!
Joel, Servo, Crow: [singing to the music] We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white...
. . .
Joel: Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad.
. . .
Crow [as radio host]: Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour...
. . .
[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]
Joel: It stinks!
[Cabot explains his love for Talena to a slave girl]
Cabot: She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it.
Crow [as Cabot]: Nekkid.
Cabot: She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it.
Crow [as Cabot]: Nekkid.
[Cabot's car begins shaking wildly as it enters the unseen portal to Gor. Watney hangs on to the dashboard in fear.]
Mike: Any chance Barney Rubble there could go through the windshield?
[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]
Crow: Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects!
Mike: Any chance Barney Rubble there could go through the windshield?
[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]
Crow: Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects!
[Camera focuses on the alien ships 'periscope'.]
Crow [as periscope]: I am the lemon zester of destruction!
Crow [as periscope]: I am the lemon zester of destruction!
[Camera pans up to an imprisioned brunette with a typical 1960's flip hairdo]
Mike: Oh, Donald.
Mike: Oh, Donald.
[Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]
Catherine: Hurry, this way!
Crow: Oh, like you know where you're going!
Catherine: Hurry, this way!
Crow: Oh, like you know where you're going!
[Cathy Beck groans as Dr. Kipling prepares a huge hypodermic needle for her husband.]
Mike [as Kipling]: Posed like this in Playgirl, only without my pants!
Mike [as Kipling]: Posed like this in Playgirl, only without my pants!
[Cathy tracks down Dr. Kipling on the ski slopes.]
Cathy: Dr. Kipling?
Servo [as Cathy]: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's waiting for you.
. . .
Dr. Kipling: Mrs. Beck...
Mike [as Kipling]: ...you're a loser, baby.
Cathy: Dr. Kipling?
Servo [as Cathy]: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's waiting for you.
. . .
Dr. Kipling: Mrs. Beck...
Mike [as Kipling]: ...you're a loser, baby.