[As Mike and the Bots enter the theater, the logo for American International Pictures (a circle with shapes inside that are supposed to represent the letters "a" and "i" together) appears.]
Mike: [chuckling] "Round Guy With Surfboard" International.

[As Mike is talking at the end of the movie, the screen suddenly goes black, and the music cuts off abruptly.]
Mike: ...hey!
[The words "The End" abruptly appear]
Servo: So, you wanna end your movie that way, huh? Ok, get bent! We're outta here!

[As mob boss Valmont meets with his henchmen, a whooping horn sounds the approach of a speedboat.]
Mike: The S. S. Jo Anne Worley!
Valmont: Is that Stud coming?
Crow: I beg your pardon?
[In a later scene, Valmont addresses the man who arrived in the speedboat as "Stud" -- "Stud, you brought bad news." -- clarifying the remark.]

[As Nick and Lisa's plane crashes towards the rocky shore of a lake, the camera pans to the plane's altimeter]
Servo: They're running out of Alt!
[Cut to a view of the speedometer.]
Eddie: And their Miffnots [MPH KNOTS] are goin' down!

[As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]
Servo: Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike.
Mike: [cringing] Ohh. Damn you, Servo!

[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]
Nolan: Aren't you coming with us?
Native Girl: [nervously] Nooo!
Crow [as Native Girl]: Me no got lead sarong.
Native Girl: Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god!
Joel [as Native Girl]: Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.

[As the attempts to revive the creature at the aquarium drag on.]
Crow: Everybody's drifting over to the "World of Barnacles" exhibit.

[as the boys talk with their dad]
Mike [as Junior]: Father, I had a feeling today.
Servo [as Father]: Well don't, son.

[As the camera zooms in on one of the Angels' behinds.]
Crow: Hey, you're giving away the plot!

[As the couple prance around their home to a lush orchestral accompaniment.]
Mike: [unimpressed] Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea...

[As the Dancing Woman arrives at Motorama...]
Mike: Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception!

[As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]
Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him!
Mike [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law!

[As the end credits roll...]
Crow: Crew? They had a crew!? I do not believe they had a crew!
Joel: Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch.
Servo: Where to start?

[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide.]
Mike: OK, let's look in Maltin's book here, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, My Favorite Year barely edges it out with three stars.
Crow: Huh.
Servo: Look here, Hannah and her Sisters is superior only by one star.
Mike: Oh wow.
Crow: [watching the film] Oh great, now a tire fire starts just off camera!
[Tom coughs. Mike turns a page.]
Mike: OK. Umm, ah, look, hey--Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to My Dinner With Andre.
Crow: Uhh--
Servo: [disgusted] Name of the Rose... this is a better film than Name of the Rose! It only got two stars!
Crow: Being There, two stars.
Mike: Uh, Lucas Tanner the movie was directed by Richard Donner... I just thought I'd point that out.
Servo: Oh. Good.
Mike: Lemme see here...
Crow: [reading the credits] Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that Ron Masak and Eddie Deezen get billing over Roddy McDowall?
Servo: Look Mike, Birdman of Alcatraz, three stars. Marginally better than Laserblast.
Crow: [still reading the credits] They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...
Servo: [leaning in] What else you got?
Mike: Oh, here we go, Full Metal Jacket, three stars.
Crow: Hm?
Servo: Shame, isn't it.
Mike: Oh, hey, Seven Samurai, two stars.
Crow: [incredulous] What?!
Mike: I'm kidding.
Crow: Oh.
Servo: I hope so.
Mike: According to this, A Fish Called Wanda was as good a film as Laserblast.
Crow: [dismissive] D'oh...
Servo: Broadcast News, Witness, three stars--barely superior to Laserblast.
Mike: Mm-hm.
Crow: Same for Diner.
Mike: Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go--this was a better movie than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Crow: Well, that's possible...
Servo: And the same caliber as Last Crusade--two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: Oh. And, uh, and yet: Blame It On the Bellboy... four stars.
Servo: [unbelieving] Where?
Crow: [incredulous] What?
Mike: No, I'm kidding.
Servo: Oh, you... You... jeez...
Mike: So, Kim Milford's greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as F. Murray Abraham's tortured performance as Salieri in Amadeus.
Crow: According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
Servo: Bagdad Café, brilliant subtle comedy--no better than Laserblast.
Mike: Here's where it gets hard--Harry and the Hendersons is every bit as good as Laserblast.
Crow: Carson McCullers' classic The Heart is a Lonely Hunter--no better than Laserblast.
[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]
Mike: [reluctant] No, no--
Servo: Uhp, John Schlesinger's Oscar-winning thriller Marathon Man--on par with Laserblast, two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: Right, so Laurence Olivier's chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, no better than the butt-faced sheriff in Laserblast.
Crow: Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
Mike: OK, ah--
Servo: Ah, look here, look here, Outlaw Josey Wales AND Unforgiven! Oscar-winner. Quintessential Westerns, Eastwood at his finest. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike.
Mike: Uh, yeah...
Servo, Mike: Same as Laserblast--
Servo: Two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. Sophie's Choice--
Servo: Uh huh.
Mike: Uh... here's one, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory--
Servo: No!
Mike: The Great Santini--
Servo: Oh, I can't believe that!
Mike: All two-and-a-half stars.
Servo: Two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: The same quality.
Crow: Ace by the way.
Mike: Yes, Ace.
Servo: [as they leave] Peers to Laserblast.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie

[As the Fat Man leaves]
Crow [as Fat Man]: To Wendy's!