Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[As a not very good dancing performance goes on and on.]
Mike: So... apparently, the director... has a girlfriend.
. . .
Crow: This is history's first awkward moment.
Mike: [dramatically] For the first time, people don't know where to look.
Mike: So... apparently, the director... has a girlfriend.
. . .
Crow: This is history's first awkward moment.
Mike: [dramatically] For the first time, people don't know where to look.
[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]
Crow: Ah, Christo's latest installa--oh good.
Crow: Ah, Christo's latest installa--oh good.
[As a shirtless Paul roams at night, the camera cuts to a shot of the moon and zooms in.]
Crow: Tha-- That's just a picture of the moon!
Servo: Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute.
Crow: Tha-- That's just a picture of the moon!
Servo: Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute.
[As a static shot of a tree goes on for quite a while]
Servo: Did the tree contribute money to the film? Why are they showing this?
Servo: Did the tree contribute money to the film? Why are they showing this?
[As a subplot comes to an entirely unsatisfying end.]
Servo: And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying rat.
Servo: And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying rat.
[As a team of stormtroopers raid a building, one stands nearby, next to a sign.]
Servo [as Stormtrooper]: Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee.
Servo [as Stormtrooper]: Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee.
[As a trapeze artist swings]
Joel: It's a living!
Crow: Mother, please come home!
Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways!
Joel: Oh, stop it!
Servo: She does! Look!
Joel: Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right.
Crow: This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area.
Joel: It's a living!
Crow: Mother, please come home!
Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways!
Joel: Oh, stop it!
Servo: She does! Look!
Joel: Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right.
Crow: This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area.
[As a worker put seed in a feeding trough]
Crow [as worker]: There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order.
Crow [as worker]: There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order.
[As Ava is hurriedly packing her suitcase, Adam enters the room]
Mike: Here's the wind up....
[Adam smiles smugly to himself]
Mike: ...and there's the smarm!
Mike: Here's the wind up....
[Adam smiles smugly to himself]
Mike: ...and there's the smarm!
[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]
Servo: [singing to "Smoke on the Water"] Smoke on the weirdo��
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: Come here.
Joel: The new Pope has not been chosen.
Servo: [singing to "Smoke on the Water"] Smoke on the weirdo��
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: Come here.
Joel: The new Pope has not been chosen.
[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]
Mike [as Storyteller]: Ungodly coincidences of the Old West.
[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]
Riley: He dropped something. See what it is.
Crow [as Riley]: It's a plot device. It's very flimsy, so be careful.
Mike [as Storyteller]: Ungodly coincidences of the Old West.
[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]
Riley: He dropped something. See what it is.
Crow [as Riley]: It's a plot device. It's very flimsy, so be careful.
[As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one]
Narrator: You, the ice cream manufacturer.
Crow: Up against the wall! Spread 'em!
Narrator: You...
Mike: Me?
Narrator: ...the frozen food distributor.
Servo: Ben and Jerry before Woodstock.
Narrator: And you, the food retailer.
Crow [as announcer]: These three people will square off against--
Narrator: You, the ice cream manufacturer.
Crow: Up against the wall! Spread 'em!
Narrator: You...
Mike: Me?
Narrator: ...the frozen food distributor.
Servo: Ben and Jerry before Woodstock.
Narrator: And you, the food retailer.
Crow [as announcer]: These three people will square off against--
[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]
Tom [as Colonel Kurtz]: The horror! The horror!
[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]
Crow: Aw, they killed off the only likeable character!
Tom [as Colonel Kurtz]: The horror! The horror!
[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]
Crow: Aw, they killed off the only likeable character!
[As Denby and "Cupcake" Tina watch, Sam dumps unconscious Buffalo Bill out of the car and rejoins the race.]
Mike [as Denby]: Cupcake! Get Twinkie the Kid and Fruitpie the Magician!
Agent for H.A.R.M.
Mike [as Denby]: Cupcake! Get Twinkie the Kid and Fruitpie the Magician!
Agent for H.A.R.M.
[As Diana plays the "Moonlight" Sonata, four bats hover outside her window.]
Servo: Hey, the woodland creatures love her music!
Crow: I don't get the physics of a hovering bat.
Servo: The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation!
Crow [as Bat]: I don't know how long I can keep this up!
Servo: Hey, the woodland creatures love her music!
Crow: I don't get the physics of a hovering bat.
Servo: The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation!
Crow [as Bat]: I don't know how long I can keep this up!