Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]
Joel: Iowa State College: The high school after high school!
Joel: Iowa State College: The high school after high school!
[An overhead shot of workers running around Nirvana Village trying to intercept a unauthorized communication.]
Servo [as Worker]: Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo!
Servo [as Worker]: Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo!
[Anita Gonzales, having her mind replaced with a cat, is chased onto the roof and ends up clinging to the side. Despite an attempt to rescue her, she slips and...]
Servo: [giggling] And she floats gently to her death!
Servo: [giggling] And she floats gently to her death!
[Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]
Joel [as Senator McCarthy?]: Are you now, or have you ever been, a Ford owner?
Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie)
Joel [as Senator McCarthy?]: Are you now, or have you ever been, a Ford owner?
Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie)
[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]
Man #2: Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when...
Crow [as Man #2]: Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'...
Man #2: I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and...
Servo: Ah, Garrison Keillor.
Man #2: Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when...
Crow [as Man #2]: Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'...
Man #2: I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and...
Servo: Ah, Garrison Keillor.
[Apollonia is trying to convince Fingal that he shouldn't stay a dopple]
Apollonia: Dopples don't dance, they don't make love...
Crow: They're Lutherans!
Apollonia: Dopples don't dance, they don't make love...
Crow: They're Lutherans!
[Archaeology professor Johnny "Longbow" Salina and his students walk off after a prank.]
Kathy: Um�� why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"?
Paul: Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one.
Mike [as Paul]: Like Wahoo McDaniel.
Paul: It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark".
Crow [as Kathy]: Oh! Is he seeing anyone?
Kathy: Um�� why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"?
Paul: Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one.
Mike [as Paul]: Like Wahoo McDaniel.
Paul: It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark".
Crow [as Kathy]: Oh! Is he seeing anyone?
[Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.]
Crow: So, does Hardware Hank have a major defense contract, or��?
. . .
[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]
Mike: He's also a black belt in Whac-A-Mole.
. . .
[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]
Mike: Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them.
Crow: So, does Hardware Hank have a major defense contract, or��?
. . .
[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]
Mike: He's also a black belt in Whac-A-Mole.
. . .
[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]
Mike: Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them.
[Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]
Joel [as Sherman]: I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators!
Joel [as Sherman]: I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators!
[As a car backs up, turns around and drives away]
Servo: Hal Needham was brought in to direct this scene.
[The car drives off the screen.]
Servo: And that's it.
Servo: Hal Needham was brought in to direct this scene.
[The car drives off the screen.]
Servo: And that's it.
[As a freezer fades in with no lights surrounding it, everyone imitates the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".]
Narrator: Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard.
[The lights go on]
Servo: Are we in heaven?
Crow: [as the lights finish] Rip-off!
Narrator: Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard.
[The lights go on]
Servo: Are we in heaven?
Crow: [as the lights finish] Rip-off!
[As a man in a little car rides wildly past in the foreground...]
Crow: Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!!
Crow: Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!!
[As a man in a trench coat runs towards a malfuctioning car]
Mike: And Creepy Triple-A is there.
Mike: And Creepy Triple-A is there.