[After half an hour of mumbled dialog and uneventful skydiving...]
Mike: Seems like they forgot to have things happen in this movie.

[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]
Tomoko: Kon-chan?
Officer Kondo: Heh? What?
Joel [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand!

[After Hercules kills the lion a group of cavalry appear]
Joel [as a cavalry man]: Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD!

[After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.]
Mike: Canadian villain Garth Vader. [N]

[After it's revealed that alien embryos have been implanted inside Major Corcoran's body]
Crow: This is still a better movie than Junior.

[After Joel has escaped and the Bots are panicking, cut to Deep 13 where Frank is staring slack-jawed at the camera, then ponders his keys which Mike had borrowed earlier.]
Dr. Forrester: [walking in from off-screen in a bathrobe, toweling his hair] Ahh, nothin' like a good shower to make one feel new again. I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood! What's going on, Frank?
Frank: Oh, not much... inventory's under control...
Dr. Forrester: Yeah?
Frank: Floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...
Dr. Forrester: Well, I can see you've got the situation well in hand--WHAT?? Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?
[Dr. F begins typing on the control panel.]
Frank: Well, I'd better get started on that floor...
Dr. Forrester: Frank! My towel and your hinder have an appointment, but first we've got to rescue Joel! Oh, no, nooo! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback!
Frank: Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.
Dr. Forrester: Well, that's a good point, Frank, because--Frank! Can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?
Frank: Yeah, well, we could send someone else into space.
Dr. Forrester: Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?
[Mike walks in behind them with his time card.]
Mike: Can you guys sign my time card?
[Dr. Forrester and Frank begin laughing maniacally; Mike, confused, nervously joins in.]
Dr. Forrester: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Frank?
Frank: Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are you?
Mike: C'mon, you gotta sign my time card!
Dr. Forrester: Of course I'll sign your time card, young man! In fact, I think you're going to be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank!
[As Dr. F puts his arm around an uncomfortable Mike, Frank turns to look at the camera, puzzled, as he pushes the button and the screen fades to black.]
Dr. Forrester: Say, Mike... what size jumpsuit do you wear?
Mike: Ehh...

[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]
Servo [as Gregory]: Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see�� "zero".
Crow [as Answering Machine]: Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.

[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]
Servo [as Chapman, sickly]: Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around!

[After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]
Crow: Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time!
Maciste: Land! Land!
Servo [as Maciste]: It would be really great if we found some land!
Mike [as Maciste]: It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry.

[After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.]
Crow [as Headline]: Krankor: Nothing to Worry About.
Mike [as Headline]: Truman Capote Sent to Fight Krankor.

[After Professor Bobo explains to Mike and the Bots that they are in the future, human civilization has perished and apes rule the world]
Mike [as George Taylor]: A planet where apes evolved from men?
Professor Bobo: Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes.
Mike [as George Taylor]: You did it! You finally did it!
Professor Bobo: [apathetic] "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes.
Mike [as George Taylor]: It's a madhouse! A...
Professor Bobo: ...madhouse. I know!

[After Robertson punches Nick out of the flying plane, Nick somehow manages to hang on with his palms flat against the smooth metal wing]
Crow [as Nick]: Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands!

[After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]
Crow: 27 Keebler elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree!
Mike: E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition.
. . .
Mike: Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh!
Crow: Oh, he's like poo, all right.
. . .
[as Nick climbs down the tree]
Crow: He's climbing an Ent!
Servo: [in a deep, Entish voice] Hoom hom, get off me, hm.
. . .
[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him]
Crow: He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying.

[After running over Tony, the music stops as the teens frantically clamor to each other and scramble to get out of the car.]
Mike [as one of the teens]: I think we hit a moose!
Crow [as one of the teens]: [hysterical] C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!!

[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]
Crow: Like a Rock! [N]