Patrolman: Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive.
Crow: Even though you don't deserve it.

Patrolman: People who have survived a train crash usually say...
Servo: AAAAAH!
[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]
Servo: That's what they say.

Patrolman: So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours...
Mike [as patrolman]: Save a place for me at your dinner table!
Patrolman: ...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little...
Tom: ...uh-oh...
Patrolman: ...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother!
Crow: OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED!
Patrolman: Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies...
Tom: He's a bad cop on the loose!
Patrolman: ...and they end up a little bit DEAD!
Mike: Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch!
Radar Secret Service (movie)

Patrolman: They figure rules are for the other guy, not for good drivers like themselves.
Servo [as patrolman]: They're communists!

Pedro: What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa?
Santa Claus: Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol!
Servo [as Santa Claus]: And they eat at Hardee's!

Peg: I think I'll send a telegram instead.
Liz: Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an�� ogre, or something.
Mike [as Liz]: Well, I've known her for fifty years��

Photographer: [trying to get Eiichi's attention] Hey, Boy! Boy!
Joel: Crazy Boy!

Pierre: Everybody goes to The Place.
Servo [as Co-worker]: You know, when they have to go...

Pilot: Control tower, request landing instructions.
Tom Servo [as flight controller]: [irate] Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?!

Police Officer: Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening?
Crow [as Officer]: The sound of one hand clapping?

President Clark: So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash.
Wrangler: [chuckles] I don't think so. They're both... under... [points at random place in Bronx model] ...there! [points somewhere else] ...or maybe there!
Servo: ...right there!
Wrangler: But somewhere there!
[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]
President Clark: Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite?
Wrangler: [chuckles] I don't think so.
Crow: You guys didn't rehearse, did you?

Prof. Blaine: Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege!
Joel: Tell that to the NFL!

Prof. Fitzgerald: [viewing Cameron's lab] You seem to be excellently equipped.
Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers.

Professor Bueller: Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale...
Crow [as Bueller]: ...or an arm...

Professor Bueller: Do you know...
Crow [as Bueller]: ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do.