Monty Python's Flying Circus quotes

I think we're getting pictures now from Algon itself, and it looks as though, YES, the satellite has found a bird - the probe has struck crumpet. And she looks pretty good, too.

Good evening. Tonight on 'Is There' we examine the question, 'Is there a life after death?' And here to discuss it are three dead people.

There's a 'Bridget - Queen of the Whip'.

Yes...

Or 'Naughty Nora'...or there's this one: 'Doug, Bob and Gordon Visit the Ark Royal'. Or there's 'Sister Teresa: The Spanking Nun'.

Mmmm, I see. You don't have anything specially about Devon and Cornwall?

No, I'm afraid not, sir.

The one I was really after was Arthur Hotchkiss' 'Devonshire Country Churches'.

Well how about this, sir: 'Bum Biters'?

No, not really. I don't suppose you have any general surveys of English church architecture?

No, it's not really our line, sir.

No, I see. Well, never mind. I'll just take the 'Lord Lieutenant in Nylons' then, and trade in these two copies of 'Piggie Parade'. Thank you.

[reading her horoscope] You have green, scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and tail. Although lizardlike in shape, you can grow anything up to thirty feet in length with huge teeth that can bite off great rocks and trees. You inhabit arid subtropical zones, and you wear spectacles.

It's very good about the spectacles.

It's amazing!

Well now, the result of last week's competition when we asked you to find a derogatory term for the Belgians. Well, the response was enormous and we took quite a long time sorting out the winners. There were some very clever entries. Mrs Hatred of Leicester Said 'let's not call them anything, let's just ignore them'. And a Mr St John of Huntingdon said he couldn't think of anything more derogatory than 'Belgians'. But in the end we settled on three choices: number three ... 'The Sprouts', sent in by Mrs Vicious of Hastings... very nice; number two..... 'The Phlegms', from Mrs Childmolester of Worthing; but the winner was undoubtedly from Mrs No-Supper-For-You from Norwood in Lancashire... 'Miserable Fat Belgian Bastards'!

Would Albert Einstein ever have hit upon the theory of relativity if he hadn't been clever? All these tremendous leaps forward have been taken in the dark. Would Rutherford ever have split the atom if he hadn't tried? Could Marconi have invented the radio if he hadn't by pure chance spent years working at the problem? Are these amazing breakthroughs ever achieved except by years and years of unremitting study? Of course not. What I said earlier about accidental discoveries must have been wrong.

If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height as the man and then compare the relative brain size, we now find that the penguin's brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point, it is larger than it was!

Penguins, yes, penguins. What relevance do penguins have to the furtherance of medical science? Well, strangely enough quite a lot, a major breakthrough, maybe. It was from such an unlikely beginning as an unwanted fungus accidentally growing on a sterile plate that Sir Alexander Fleming gave the world penicillin. James Watt watched an ordinary household kettle boiling and conceived the potentiality of steam power. Would Albert Einstein ever have hit upon the theory of relativity if he hadn't been clever? All these tremendous leaps forward have been taken in the dark. Would Rutherford ever have split the atom if he hadn't tried? Could Marconi have invented the radio if he hadn't by pure chance spent years working at the problem? Are these amazing breakthroughs ever achieved except by years and years of unremitting study? Of course not. What I said earlier about accidental discoveries must have been wrong. Nevertheless scientists believe that these penguins, these comic flightless web-footed little bastards may finally unwittingly help man to fathom the uncharted depths of the human mind.

I like TITS!!! [Attacks noblewoman]

Oh vicar! Vicar!

[composing himself] Oh my goodness, I do beg your pardon! How dreadful! The first day in my new parish, I completely... so sorry!

Yes. Never mind, never mind. Chivers, send Mary in with a new gown, will you?

Certainly, m'lady.

I do beg your pardon... I must sit down.

As I was saying, how do you find the new vicarage?

Oh yes, certainly, yes indeed, I find the grounds delightful, and the servants most attentive. Particularly the little serving maid with GREAT BIG KNOCKERS! [attacks again]

There can be no finer honor tonight than to welcome into our midst tonight a guest who has not only done more than not anyone for our society, but nonetheless has only done more.

Oh, Joseph! All you think about is balloons. All you talk about is balloons. Your beautiful house is full of bits and pieces of balloons. Your books are all about balloons, every time you sing a song, it is in some way obliquely connected with balloons... Everything you eat has to have "balloon" incorporated in the title. Your dogs are all called Balloono. You tie balloons to your ankles in the evenings!

I don't do that!

Well, no, you don't do that. But you do duck down and shout, "Hey! Balloons!" when there are none about. Your whole life is becoming obsessively balloonic, you know... Oh-h-h! Why do I have to hang from this bloody gas bag all day?

Just a moment! That man is not Louis XIV!

Joseph, are you out of your mind?

I've been looking it up in my bath. Louis XIV died in 1717 -- it's now 1783! Answer me that!

Did I say Louis XIV? I'm sorry, I meant Louis XV.

He died in 1774!

[menacingly] All right, I'm Louis XVI! Listen to me, smart-ass, when you're the King of France, you've got better things to do than go around all day remembering your bloody number!

That was episode three of The Golden Age of Ballooning. May I remind you that there’s still time to get your Golden Age of Ballooning suppositories direct from the BBC, price 4.50 or 19 pound for a set of six. Well, in a moment the BBC will be closing down for the night. But first here is a party political broadcast on behalf of the Norwegian Party.

Good evening. You may think its strange that we should be asking you to vote Norwegian at the next election. But consider the advantages. In Norway, we have one of the highest per capita income rates in Europe. We have an industrial re-investment rate of 14 percent. And girls with massive knockers. Honestly, they’ll do anything for you. They'll go through the card. You name it, they know it. There’s one in Trondheim, who can put-

Highlights of that broadcast will be discussed later by Lord George-Brown, ex-Foreign Secretary, Mr. Sven Olafson, the ex-Norwegian Minister of Finance, Sir Charles Ollendorff, ex-Chairman of the Norwegian Trades Council, Mr. Hamish McLavell, the Mayor of Wick, the nearest large town to Norway, Mrs. Betty Norday, whose name sounds remarkably like Norway, Mr. Brian Waynor, whose name is an anagram of Norway, Mr. and Mrs. Ford, whose name sounds like Fiord, of which there are a lot in Norway, Ron and Christine Boslo.