Hawkeye: [regarding the requisition of the incubator being denied] We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven.
Captain Sloan: Oh, those I can let you have.
Henry: No kidding! Hey, those would be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?
Captain Sloan: Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in "Pizza" where it says "Machine Gun".

Hawkeye: (After hearing the main dish is liver and/or fish again) ...I didn't hear you say that. Because it isn't possible. It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day. The Geneva convention prohibits the killing of our tastebuds! I simply can not eat the same food day after day. Fish! Liver! Day after day! I've eaten a river of liver, and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions! (to the rest of the mess tent) Are we going to stand for this?! Are we going to let them do this to us?! NO, I say NO! We're not going to eat this dreck anymore! (starts a riot) We want something else! We want something else! (While chanting continues) Draftees of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your cookies! We want something else! (protesting continues, then scene cuts to Hawkeye sitting in Henry's office).
Henry: Just who do you think you are, Pierce?!
Hawkeye: (looking up at Henry with guilt)...I broke under the pressure, warden.

Potter: It's a tragedy people have to eat horses, they're beautiful animals. You ever take a peek at a cow or a pig? They're ugly. We're doing them a favor by eating 'em . Saves 'em the agony of looking at their reflections in the trough every morning. But a horse, that's a noble beast. Why, in the cavalry, a man's steed was his best friend, a real companion. Where do people get off making pork chops out of them? Too much killing in this world, too much death. No respect for people, for tradition, for life. The whole world is spinning down the tubes and nobody even seems to notice. I don't know, I...(breaking off due to the looks of the others)

Radar (over the PA): Attention! By command of the new Commanding Officer, all officers report to the Commanding Officer's office, sirs!
Potter: Father Mulcahy. (Sees the cross Mulcahy has around his neck). Yes, of course. You're clean.
Mulcahy: Thank God, sir.
Potter: Catholic?
Mulcahy: Yes, sir.
Potter: Can you do a Methodist thing for me on Sunday?
Mulcahy: I handle all denominations. Colonel.
Potter: Any other Methodists in the outfit?
Mulcahy: Two or three.
Potter: Good. I hate to sing alone. Major Houlihan.
Houlihan: Sir!
Potter: Chief nurse.
Houlihan: Yes, sir.
Potter: Ten years, spotless record.
Houlihan: Thank you sir.
Potter: Major Frank Burns.
Houlihan: Just friends, sir. I mean, he's not here, sir. He's indisposed.
Potter: Captain Pierce.
Hawkeye: Yo!
Potter: Keep your yo's to yourself. Captain Hunnicutt.
BJ: Yes sir.
Potter: You two were reprimanded by Major Burns for setting fire to the latrine.
Hawkeye: That was an accident.
BJ: We were having a weenie roast.
Potter: In the latrine?
BJ: We're not allowed to cook in our tents, sir.
Potter: Also Pierce, it says here you had a live chicken flown here by helicopter, claiming it was a patient.
Hawkeye: That was a rare bird, Colonel. It could tap-dance.
Potter: And a year ago the Tokyo Provost Marshal claims you stole a steam shovel.
Hawkeye: I couldn't get a cab.
Potter: I gather you drink.
Hawkeye: Only to excess.

Sidney: Captain, is it true that God answers all prayers?
Chandler: Yes. Sometimes the answer is no.

(to Charles as everyone leaves the mess tent after Charles enters)
Margaret: Help yourself to some breakfast before us lowlifes steal it all.
Mulcahy: Hell hath no fury like pernicious vermin scorned.
BJ: Charles, you just put a whole shoe store in your mouth.
Potter: Winchester, just a hunch: Will Rogers never met you, did he?

Margaret: Captain Pierce! Major Burns, acting Commander, and I, his adjutant, have been informed that you and Captain McIntyre refused to release Colonel Flagg's prisoner.
(silence)
Hawkeye: Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the woods, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town.

Margaret (walks into Potter's office along with Mulcahy and Hawkeye): You wanted to see us sir?
Potter: Not really but it's the only way I can talk to you.
Hawkeye: What's this about Colonel?
Potter: Glad you asked. I'm a very busy man so I'll make this short and sweet. Lieutenant Harris dropped by this morning, had a little surprise for me. A request for an immediate transfer.
Mulcahy (Knowing he is the cause): Oh dear.
Potter: Naturally I thought she wanted out because she couldn't take a bath but that wasn't the reason. So I said "What is the reason?" And she said "I made a big fool of myself and the whole camp knows it." So I said "Well I don't know it." And she said "I'm surprised Pierce didn't tell you."
Hawkeye (Confused): What?
Potter: So I said "Why are you dropping this in my lap when you should be talking to your head nurse?" And she said "The head nurse hates me."
Margaret: I do not hate her.
Potter:So I said "Back up a bit. What is it you did that got everybodie's tongue wagging except mine?" And she said "I had an unhappy love affair." So I asked "Was it one of my doctors?" And she said "No. It was your priest."
Mulcahy (After hearing the story): Colonel you must understand she's very upset.
Potter: That's what she said. She was so upset she's giving up on Med School. I didn't even know she was going to Med School.
Mulcahy: She musn't give up.
Potter: Now look folks this is none of my affair so why don't we keep it that way. The woman's got only a few weeks left in this man's army. A transfer would be a waste of good red tape so here's what your gonna do. (Points to Hawkeye) You stop talking about her. (Points to Margaret) You stop hating her. (Points to Mulcahy) And you stop dating her.

Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

BJ [singing]: Git along, little doggie...
Hawkeye: I had a long little doggie once. A Dachshund.
BJ: Oh a little hot dog. What happened to it?
Hawkeye: It got all mustered out.
BJ: I relish these conversations.

Rizzo: The Army is a breeze, once you get the hang of the Luther Rizzo secret of military success.
Klinger: What is it?
Rizzo: Never smile.
Klinger: Huh?
Rizzo: The Army hates to see a man grin. Makes them think they've failed somehow. But moan and groan and carry on, they'll leave you to your lonesome; long as they know you're miserable, they're happy.
Season 9

Radar: (walking very slowly into the OR, shortly after Blake's departure) I have a message: Lt. Col... Henry Blake's plane...was shot down... over the Sea of Japan. It spun and . . . there were no survivors. (He leaves, fighting tears)
Season 4

Hawkeye (watching a movie): What; what'd I miss?
Henry: Cornel Wilde just kissed Gene Tierney.
Hawkeye: On the teeth?
Trapper: Right smack on.
Hawkeye: If he straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him.

(BJ shouts for joy)
Potter: Watch the racket, Hunnicutt. This hospital is in a hospital zone.
BJ: Hawkeye Pierce is alive and well and living at battalion aid.
Potter: How do you know that?
BJ: He left his fingerprints are all over this guy.
Klinger: What are you talking about?
BJ: Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress stitches with white cotton sutures?

Frank Burns' Toe Tag: Emotionally exhausted and morally bankrupt.