Law & Order: Special Victims Unit Season 1 quotes

What the hell is this?

Stabler

Randall Haber, you're now under arrest for the murders of Lester Hale and Martha Davis.

Murder? Martha Davis committed suicide.

Stabler

We exhumed her body. She died of severe heat stroke.

Because you told them not to turn on her air-conditioning.

A jury's gonna believe him? He murdered that grocer in cold blood.

Stabler

Which only happened because you withheld his medication and kicked him out on the street. That makes you responsible for Lester Hale's death.

Okay. One count of Man-2 with a sentencing recommendation.

Are you crazy?! I'm not makin' a deal.

Why did you tell the aide to cut Martha's wrists? I heard you.

He doesn't know what he heard. He's a mental patient!

Novak

He's back on his medication. He's perfectly lucid, and he's our star witness. 2 counts, Man-1, concurrent. He does his 15.

15 years?

Novak

That, or a jury can sentence to to 25 to life. [opens the door] It's your choice.

Deal.

[holds up a sandwich] Why isn't this in an evidence bag?

Because it's my lunch.

Benson

Did you know that in just one night of drinking, fetal alcohol syndrome can set in?

Stabler

I didn't know that.

Benson

If your wife got pregnant again, would you allow it?

Stabler

If Kathy got pregnant again I'd shoot myself.

Munch

If an overbearing mother and a distant father cause homosexuality, how come I'm not gay?

Fin

Maybe you're in denial.

Munch

That would explain a lot.

It's so weird, you know. I've been sitting here for a while, and everybody who walks by, I wonder: Does he know? Does she? James used to always talk about how happy he was that he was gay. He said guys are so much more fun.

Novak

Yeah, I agree with James.

Everything's different now, you know. No matter what I do, nothing will be like it was before.

Novak

Ian, I had my job to do, and I made you deal with something you weren't ready for. I'm sorry.

Yeah. I'm not.

(interviewed by Olivia Benson after spotting Gorman) First he was jabbering nonsense. Then I saw he was bleeding like a...stuck pig! Next thing I know boom he falls.

Munch

He could've been the member of some cult. In ancient Rome, priests of the goddess Cybele would castrate themselves to achieve divine status.

Fin

How d'you know that?

Munch

The Internet.

So either Gorman was snipped by a homeless guy, or had a voluntary penectomy. Not a word I get to use everyday.

Benson

You didn't even ask me if I did it.

Stabler

I know you didn't do it. You would've shot the bastard.

Stabler

I love my children. And if one of them was sick, I would do anything in the world to make them better. But I would also pray to God that if all hope were gone, He'd give me the strength just to end their suffering.

Stabler

[choked up] I could've killed my kid over a lousy carpet!

Deputy Eckerson is requesting our assistance.

Stabler

Wow. Pigs really do fly, huh?

I didn't do anything.

Fin

Sure you did. You obstructed justice, hindering prosecution, plus you're a lying piece of crap, but we're not gonna charge you with that one.

Stabler

Spin it any way you want, Counselor. You know Rob Sweeney's guilty.

I've known Rob since he was a freshman. He's a good kid.

Stabler

He's a rapist.

Nice ink on your arm. How many men in your platoon got heatstroke and broken bones trying to earn that tattoo? You were pushed as far as you could go so you would bond as a unit. That's what a fraternity is all about.

Stabler

Rob Sweeney doesn't give a damn about "bond".