Law & Order: Special Victims Unit quotes

I don't know how to dumb this down for you anymore. It. Wasn't. Me.

[Regarding gender reassignment surgery] Any plastic surgeon will tell you, it's easier to dig a hole than to build a pole.

Benson

Dr. Blair, do you realize that disseminating pornography to a minor is a felony?

I showed them art books.

Stabler

Doc, I saw the art in your office and even I was uncomfortable at how many phalluses were on display.

That's because you're a bourgeois American, completely uptight about sex. It's what screws up your children and turns them into sex offenders.

Stabler

You lost me at bourgeois.

What'd I do wrong? I was born with these feelings. I don't know why I have them. They were always there. Wasn't exactly like I had a choice.

Benson

Neither did the 117 boys you molested.

I never hurt them. It never hurt me.

Benson

You were abused.

My father left when I was a baby. And when I was about nine, this man moved across the street. He was the only one I could talk to. He loved me, he cared for me. And touching me was how he showed it.

Benson

How's Dickie?

Stabler

A handful. He's demanding cookie dough ice cream and Jackass 24-7. He reminds me so much of me, it's scary.

Benson

Didn't know you were a Jackass fan.

Stabler

I mean getting what I want. According to Kathy, it's not one of my more endearing qualities.

Benson

Before you had kids, you ever worry what they'd be like?

Stabler

All the time. Still do.

Benson

At least you and Kathy know what you're passing on. Half my genes are drunk and the other half are violent and cruel.

Stabler

And look how great you turned out. It's not all about the genes, Liv. All you can do is love your kids.

That sequence was an easter egg.

Fin

A what?

Munch

That's a hidden treat players can access for extra fun.

You're not as old as you look.

Stu used to work here. We had to fire him because he snuck copulating bunny rabbits into a children's game we make.

Novak

[her closing argument] Did Garrett and Louise get the idea from a game? Yes. We get ideas all the time. From books, from TV, from friends, from life, from everywhere. We don't act on them. We know that the idea doesn't justify the deed. Don't let Mr. Gates blind you to the facts. Real people ran over a real person, and then they beat her to death. Melody Quinn felt real pain. She bled real blood. And she died a horrible and lonely death. It was not a game. Now, did Melody's killers know what they were doing? Well, their taunting of Larry Tauber, the one member of their trio with the humanity to feel regret, proves that they did! Garrett Perle said it himself. It was a joke! Well, you know what? Murder is no joke! So don't let them use a game as an excuse for their cruel and callous actions.

[after his and Louise's conviction] Bang-bang. You're dead.

Get him outta here!

Stabler

How many teenage girls do you know who are too busy to have boyfriends?

Benson

When we were kids, our parents told us we were too young to date just one guy.

Stabler

Now you pray your kids only date one guy.

Benson

Until she started hooking up with half of Queens. After that it's no big deal to have sex for designer clothes or prostitute yourself at a hotel.

She winds up as Trudy Strutz, Porn Star.

Stabler

She winds up dead on a roof.

Novak

[to Benson and Stabler] Arrest him. [to the judge] Your honor, my detectives are here to re-arrest the defendant.

On what charges?

Novak

The murder of Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot.

Your honor, this is a blatant attempt to unlawfully detain my client.

Save it, counselor. Alex Cabot was a friend of mine. I'll see you both at arraignment.

You can't prove I killed her. And the dead can't talk.

Stabler

Liam Connors, you're under arrest for murder.

What the hell are you people doing?

Agent Hammond, most people knock first.

You should've called me before your detectives arrested Liam Connors for the murder of Alex Cabot.

Connors blew up one of your agents. I didn't expect flowers, but I thought you'd be pleased.

If Connors goes to trial, I'm called to testify, what am I supposed to do?

Do your job.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do. I just came to tell you that you're on your own. I'm not gonna ruin my career by committing perjury. Do we understand each other, Captain?

She's alive. You son of a bitch! You stashed Alex in witness protection.

You didn't know.

Do you have a question?

Only one. Did you see my client shoot you?

I saw his gun aimed at my heart.

Please, Miss Cabot, just answer the question. On the night that you were shot, did you see Liam Connors anywhere in the vicinity?

No, but he's a coward. He likes to run away. [to the defendant] Did you leave a family behind in Ireland, Mr. Connors?

Your honor?

Miss Cabot, please.

You have absolutely no idea who shot you, do you?

Oh, I have an idea. It's the kind of man that likes to rape a woman to make her talk.

Let me rephrase the question. Did you see Liam Connors shoot you?

No. But I know it was him.

Objection, your honor!

It takes a lot of balls to shoot an unarmed woman and a sleeping child!

Your honor! Objection!

[to Connors] It's too bad your aim wasn't a little better!

Objection, your honor!

You think you're safe?! [jumps out of his seat while the court officers restrain him] They know where you are! You should've stayed dead!

ENOUGH! We're in recess until Mr. Kressler can control his client. You may step down, Miss Cabot.