Last of the Summer Wine quotes

They're taking his telly again.

Oh, is it Tuesday already?

Compo

Your old lady's dog is crapping all over the pavement.

That's funny. He usually sews it up in little bags and sends it by post.

Compo

Hey Cyril, give me a fag, I'll give you a sniff of me socks!

Clegg

This fellow, he picks up this tiny bird in his hands, and carries its quivering little body across this busy junction, and feeds it to his cat. Life's like that: a complex texture of conflicting moralities.

(after getting a cigarette from Clegg) I'm supposed to be stopping, but then, on the other hand, it's hardly fitting for me to be seen trying to live forever, is it?

(referring to Compo) He's still calling for me in broad daylight!

Clegg

Tell the neighbours he doesn't belong to you, you're just looking after him for somebody.

Clegg

If God's omnipotent, what could he possibly want with my old woman?

Compo

Do you reckon I'm in love with Mrs. Batty, or is it just sex?

(Fiddling with his camera) You know, I must get a light meter.

Clegg

I should get a heavy one. You'll pay more, but it'll last longer.

Compo

I thought you'd be open.

Well that's a natural assumption if you ignore the drawn blinds and the forty foot sign that says closed.

Clegg

Why is it, if there's such a shortage of oil, it keeps appearing on my trouser bottom?

Compo

(referring to Foggy) What's he doing now?

Clegg

He's doing alright. You get depressed sometimes and begin to believe there aren't any real, old fashioned idiots left, and then, out of the blue, comes a genuine, fourteen carat, gilded barmpot like this!

(referring to Compo) That man has a hole in his trousers!

Clegg

Yes, it's just his way of showing his individuality.

Clegg

(referring to Foggy) You seem to have changed it from bicycle polo to bicycle water polo!

Auntie Wainwright

You're never alone with a megaphone.