I'm baaaaack. [drops a large fish on the table]
What am I supposed to do with this?
You slice it, mouth to anus. You pull everything out. Pretty self-explanatory.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Ah, the boss wants to see me. I am worried. Even though I've been there almost a year, I'm still the new chick.
That's good. New chick's always hot.
Can you drive Eve to soccer?
Soccer, that's just Europe's covert war for the hearts and minds of America's kids.
EEve
We're scrimmaging the boys to make us tougher.
Well, the boys aren't that tough. I've seen them play. Running around, getting hair gel in their eyes, run into the goalpost, and they cry.
Why are you watching the young boys play soccer?
I'm pretty sure I just explained why.
Hey, mom, can you take Boyd to day care? I can't be late to the diner. It's our salute to bacon week, and I am the only person who knows how to work the defibrillator.
I'm running late. Ask your dad.
Oh, not dad. Boyd only knows like six words and half of them are "I blame Obamacare". He's a bad influence.
You know, he's standing right here.
He does his best.
Literally, I'm standing right here.
You know who should take Boyd to day care? It's that deadbeat, no-good father of his.
Yeah, dad. We've been over this, really. I'm doing fine. I know this might be hard for you to believe because you're so old school, but I do not need a man.
Well, you got a baby, so you needed a man once.
Eww! All right, I will take Boyd to day care, but I just hope my being late does not cause the Great Bacon Riot of 2011.
I like bacon
Manly acts are varnishing, that's a fact. What do we do when the aliens invade or the zombies come out of their graves or the machines rise up. Who's going to lead us. [points to Boyd] You!
Eve just called. She and Kristin will be here any minute.
Crap.
What did you think the banner was for, Kyle?
No, I'm trying to DVR my favorite show, but it's not on.
Well, maybe they got cancelled. You know, the TV business can be a heartless bastard.
Cancelled? Why would they cancel a popular show that everybody loves?
Maybe, they are a bunch of idiots!
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, here to talk about, well, talking. It's one of my favorite hobbies. A wise man once said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.". And then it was said an even wiser man said to that guy, "Look, jackass, listen up. You might learn something.". All right, you got me. I'm the second wise man in that story. Let's be honest, if nobody's talking, then nobody's listening. If nobody's listening, nobody's learning. And if nobody's learning, then good TV shows get cancelled. They will. But even in our country and even within our families, not communicating seems to be the weapon of choice right now. We un-friend, un-like, and un-follow instead of trying to understand each other. Now, it doesn't matter which side you're on, although one side literally has the word "right" right in it. If we just hunker down in our separate corners, nobody wins. Except Location Services on your phone. In America, we've always been able to have tough conversations. Civil rights, Vietnam, the human hot potato Kanye West. He's yours. Uh, no, yours. You can have him. No, he's not ours. He's like, yours. You can have him. No, we don't. Literally, we don't want him. So to the families of America and to the American family, keep talking. Unless you know a smarter guy with better ideas is talking, then you could just listen to him. Baxter out.
Hey.
EEd
Hi, Mikey.
Okay.
We're back!
BMrs. B
Thanks. I love this holiday. It is so spooky. Could one of you grab my mug out of the microwave?
Wow!
Oh, that's great. Oh, that's a great prank, man, it's... Oh, it's... oh, it was just me trying to scare you, man. Take it easy, breathe a little bit.
Mr. Zhen, uh, I'm Mike Baxter. Ni hao, Huanyíng. Please, call me Henry.
That's 'cause bacon can keep a secret.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Last Man Standing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.