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SEASON 1

Keeping Up Appearances · Season 1

Keeping Up Appearances Season 1 quotes

69 quotes · page 2 of 5

S1 E15Unfinished Business

I thought I heard a willow warbler! Did you hear a willow warbler? It's one of my absolutely all-time favourite songsters.

(on the phone to Violet) Why is Bruce sobbing? ... But is it a large tear in his flamenco frock?

MWMajor Wilton-Smythe

Ah, the Bucket filly (pronounced "Bouquet")!

The Bucket residence, the lady of the house speaking! ...Do I sound like a Chinese takeaway? I am a highly desirable private residence in an area of outstanding natural property values, and I am waiting for your apology... unless, of course, the thought of bean shoots and crispy won-ton have stir-fried your basic humanity. Now kindly clear this line! There are people of substance in this community who are probably queueing to ring me at this very moment! ...Your suggestion is noted, but I see little practical merit in having the telephone up my jumper.

(on the phone) May I speak to the Vicar, please? Not available? Is he busy? ...Oh, ringing the bells. Rings his own bells? How democratic.

(on the phone to Violet) I've got Elizabeth and Emmet here. You remember Elizabeth, from next door. Her husband works abroad somewhere; one of those Arab countries. Yes, you met her at one one of my candlelight suppers. She drops things.

The Bucket residence, the lady of the house speaking! No, I cannot send round another portion of stir-fried squid with fish balls and broccoli. This is not the Green Lotus Chinese takeaway. I may only be one digit removed, but believe me, it's a whole other world. ...I heard that, and it wasn't Chinese.

VVicar

Oh damn! It's the Bucket woman!

VSVicar's wife

Should you be saying "damn" like that?

VVicar

Not normally, no. (prepares to leave)

VSVicar's wife

What are you doing?

VVicar

I'm turning round.

VSVicar's wife

You can't turn round! You have to help these people.

VVicar

Oh, I suppose you're right.

VSVicar's wife

(notices Rose) Oh damn! It's the vampire sister! You were right! Turn round! Turn round!

VVicar

I can't turn round now! They've seen us!

How fares the church worldwide then, vicar? For instance, what is the missionary position in China these days?

They are my family and I love them dearly, especially at this time of year, when it gets dark early.

If there's one thing that distinguishes us from other people, it's the absence of vulgar noises.

It could be a Neanderthal barrow, dear. It says in the guidebook they had barrows. I expect they wheeled rocks about and things!

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