Boyd Crowder quotes from Justified

You're about as welcome here as a case of the clap. You can worm your way in here, but that's all you're ever gonna be. A goddamn worm.

Boyd Crowder

Well, too bad you weren't the early bird that caught it.

Boyd Crowder

[being led from the back room of the bar, in handcuffs] Raylan Givens! If you were coming down here anyway why have Shelby drag me in again?

Raylan Givens

I didn't have him drag you in the first time. [indicates the officer leading Boyd] What's going on?

What's it look like?

Raylan Givens

Did Shelby send you?

He's the boss, isn't he?

Raylan Givens

I just saw him not fifteen minutes ago, he didn't mention anything.

Maybe he figured it wasn't any of your concern.

Raylan Givens

Well except I told him I was coming here. I'm sorry, we haven't met; I'm deputy US Marshal Raylan Givens.

Well, all due respect—

Raylan Givens

'K, just, hold up. [to Ava] Is that an engagement ring?

Ava Crowder

Mm-hmm.

Boyd Crowder

'S a big rock, ain't it? Now as acrimonious as our relationship has been lately, Raylan, Ava and I discussed it and you still gon' be on the guest list.

Raylan Givens

[to Ava] You know the definition of crazy, right? [Ava shakes her head] Keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting it to come out different. [Ava chuckles]

Sir, I'm gonna need you to step aside.

Raylan Givens

Okay, maybe I'm crazy, or I'm just having a hell of a day: did you just give me an order?

You don't move, I'm gonna shoot you.

Raylan Givens

[calmly] Jesus, I hope I got that right.

Ellstin Limehouse

You ever been on a plane, Mr. Crowder?

Boyd Crowder

Why? You plan on taking flying lessons with my money?

Ellstin Limehouse

I've been having this dream. I dream that I'm flyin' this plane. I mean one of them great, big, old suckers. A jumbo jet. And all the passengers is folks from Noble's Holler. Damn near everybody I know and care about's on this thing. I'm at the controls when all of a sudden, something goes terribly wrong. Lights is flashing, buzzers sounding. And we start going down. And I'm fighting to keep it level, and it ain't no use. And I always wake up just before impact, sweating.

Boyd Crowder

While I believe I understand your subtle metaphor, what I don't understand is why you feel the need to tell me.

Ellstin Limehouse

Well I'm telling you so you understand why I'm about to do what I'm about to do.

Look at you, Mr. Crowder. You're a well dressed man, you got a sense of style, you got your shirt buttoned all the way up to the top. I gotta ask where'd you get all those teeth?

Boyd Crowder

Courtesy of the American taxpayer while serving our great nation in Desert Storm.

Man, I love the way you talk, using forty words when four will do. I'm curious. What would you say if I was about to put forty bullets through that beautiful vest of yours?

Boyd Crowder

Now that you mention it, though, I'm not sure you're one to talk about going straight at a man 'stead of what he loves.

Raylan Givens

You love her, huh? Ava?

Boyd Crowder

You have to ask?

Raylan Givens

Love her like how? Like how you loved the Lord and your lovely white skin or how you loved Arlo? I know he meant a lot to you.

Boyd Crowder

You know... [sighs] ...You can know a fella your whole life and not really know him at all. You know what I think, Raylan? I think you're just jealous that I've got to open a present that will never be under your Christmas tree.

Raylan Givens

I think you love anything lets you put your head on the pillow at night believin' you ain't the bad guy.

Boyd Crowder

I count four to one. That hardly seems fair.

Raylan Givens

Which way do you mean?

Daryl Crowe Jr.

So we're clear: you are saying no?

Boyd Crowder

I been accused of being a lot of things. "Inarticulate" ain't one of them.

Wynn Duffy

You must be Mr. Yoon.

And how do you know that? Oh, the one wonton among the tortillas?

Boyd Crowder

I would have said "kimchee in the salsa."

Raylan Givens

Miller, would you call this a herd, a gaggle, or a flock of assholes?

I would call this a United Nations of assholes.

Boyd Crowder

Well, that's funny because we were just discussing ratifying some shit.

Dewey Crowe

This conversation is just you and me.

Boyd Crowder

Hold on, Dewey, I'm gonna put you on speaker phone.

Raylan Givens

You said you'd help us get him. You didn't get him. So we'll be proceeding to convene a grand jury, bring charges against you as soon as possible.

Boyd Crowder

Are you back to that file bullshit?

Raylan Givens

Bullshit?

Raylan Givens

There it is. Thick with the names of the suffering and the dead, and many felled by your own hands. A trail of human wreckage you've left rotting in jail cells and cold graves throughout this state. And why? Because they had the poor judgment to believe your lies and follow your tune. Well, it's high time that tune reached a shuddering crescendo.

You have good hunting around here?

Boyd Crowder

Not bad. My daddy used to take me and my brother when we was young, but I didn't much care for it. Prefer to hunt animals who have a chance to fight back.

My father took me as well, to the Sonoran desert.

Boyd Crowder

Ah. Hunting big game, like scorpions, and lizards and whatnot?

Mostly bighorn sheep and mule deer. We'd spend the morning making our kills, take them back to our campsite, where my father taught me how to skin them. The first cut, you make right down the belly. Bleed the animal, remove the insides, careful not to puncture the bladder. Next, you remove the genitals. Now you are ready to the take the skin. Cut first at the ankle joints, snap the tendons, start to peel back the pelt. The trick is to remove it in one piece. It's easiest when the animal is still warm.

Boyd Crowder

You want me shit my pants, Alberto? 'Cause it seems to me, that'd make your job a hell of a lot more unpleasant. You see, I know real pain. Shit you can't even imagine. Now, you want to put me out of my misery? How 'bout you stop running your goddamn mouth and do whatever it is you got to do.

Dewey Crowe

I want to go back. I want it to be like it used to be at the church, when we was Crowder's commandos!

Boyd Crowder

You, me, and Devil.

Dewey Crowe

Yes! And the Pork brothers, giving me no end of shit. The music cranked so loud that we almost blew the roof off that old church. Bombing around in my Cadillac and making war plans and drinking 'shine. Why can't it be like that again, Boyd?

Ty Walker

I'm just a weather vane, Mr. Crowder. I don't make the wind blow. I'm saying, you find a way to counsel patience, desist coming after what doesn't belong to you, and everybody wins town, county, and state. Now, that being said, you insist upon the track thus far set upon, there will be consequences.

Boyd Crowder

You done? Damn, son. You like to talk as much as I do.

Avery Markham

Last time I saw you, you were no bigger than minute. Peacocking around your daddy like you thought you was already a full-grown bad man.

Boyd Crowder

I recognize you now, Mr. Markham. That being said, I still don't recall being bounced on your knee. Nevertheless, it, uh, seems that I owe you an apology.

Avery Markham

Like I said, I can't blame you for not remembering.

Boyd Crowder

No, sir. The apology that I owe is for my craven attempt to pilfer that which rightfully belongs to you. As defense, I offer only my ignorance.

Avery Markham

Meaning you thought you were stealing from Calhoun?

Boyd Crowder

Yes, sir. I did.

Avery Markham

And now you know the prize in question belongs to me.

Boyd Crowder

That I do.

Avery Markham

Mm-hmm.

Boyd Crowder

And any, uh, plan that I had for my next attempt should be considered abandoned as foolhardy, not to say unworthy.

Avery Markham

Hmm. I hope you'll understand when I say I don't want to see either of you at the portal again. Next time you want a slice, order in. Have it here in 30 minutes, or it's free. And if I see you in my place of business again I'll kill you. [beat] Come to it, I guess you ain't all that big now. Grown, but still just playing pretend.