[speak to Winnie and Jimmy] Can I just say one thing? You people are idiots. Honestly, all you had to do, just one of you, was open your mouth when you were nine, and we could've avoided all of this... Albanians, self-inflicted car crashes, me being this annoyed. So can we please just cut to the chase? You love her, she loves you, get on the goddamn plane. As you wish.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
So, come on, what do you think?
I think this is the beginning of the end of a beautiful friendship.
Mary, I need you to know something.
What? What do you need me to know?
You run around, passing notes back and forth, you got 'em in a room together, you got 'em into WITSEC together. You don't hate cupid. You are cupid.
[voiceover] From childhood we're fed a steady diet of 'once upon a time,' the ultimate lead-in to love conquers all. No wonder we wind up at bookstores and movies with stars in our eyes, or head in the clouds. Heathcliff, Scarlett, a farm boy, a princess, Affairs to Remember on the 85th floor, but the star-crossed who kiss right before Auld Lang Syne or played by a boombox held over their heads, they're a pain in the ass. Because love, no matter what the storybooks say, hardly ever conquers all. So when it does, and the grownups, the skeptics, the stable of mind, watch others blissfully fly into the sun, it churns up and riles something deep down inside. We feel something foreign and fleeting, something hard to admit: we hope.
And so it begins.
And so what begins?
Extreme Makeover: The Marshall Mann edition. She zeroed in on what needs fixing, I'm telling you. Don't get me wrong, I like Abigail, I do.
You hide it well.
But you know the type. She's a fixer. Trust me, aside from late night cramming for her SATs, that girl will not rest till she's completely changed you.
[voiceover] Everybody fakes it... pretending they like the friend's spouse, feigning interest in the ozone or christmas carols at the door. Just it seems somehow smarter or nicer. Kinder... funnier. It's like we ought to be Canadians or something.
BHBeth Harris
You know, you don't have to check on me 24/7.
What are you talking about? I'm not checking on you. I always hang out in the smoker's section with the cool kids.
BBeth
This is where the cheerleaders sit.
Ah. That explains the hives.
Hey, how'd you meet Abigail?
Good morning.
Just go with me here.
At the Joint Task Force briefing.
Exactly. See? You just gave me the headline, not every single detail like Karl and Sharon did last night.
You saying it was rehearsed?
I'm saying it's hinky.
I was just with Delia and the others, and across the board they matched Sharon the drug dealer with Sharon the PTA mom. That little beauty mark is killing us.
We've got to stop that documentary from airing.
I was thinking the exact same thing, but not to worry. I got this.
Cool. John Wayne mode.
[smiles] John Wayne mode.
What? I know a guy.
[laughs] Ha! Even better! Godfather mode.
I wear many hats, Mary.
You wear many hats?! Don't tee up the bald jokes for us, Stan. It takes the fun out of it.
[voiceover] There comes a time when every kid peeks behind a curtain and sees she's not the only one putting on a show. Fathers, mothers, cops and robbers, every member of the PTA: all playing dress up, all wearing their masks; a constant Halloween. That first peek behind the curtain, the lifting of the mask, it's a disorienting moment. The solid ground beneath you slips away to quicksand, along with all you thought you knew. But you realize, as days and nights go by, that there's a kind of truth in the lie. That the mask is often more revealing than the face that lies beneath, because the person you pretended to be, the mother, the father, the sister, the cop, became, somehow, the person that you are.
[voiceover] Evolution is a funny thing, developing defense mechanisms that work solely on the element of surprise. Case study: When I was seven, Scott Halley and I caught a lizard in his backyard. The lizard was so shocked, it shed its tail in Scott's hand, at which point Scott started bawling. His dad said the tail would grow back. But before we could witness the reptilian resurrection, his parents split up and his mom moved him to Sarasota. Point is, to survive is to let go... of old habits, new friends, and to shed your tail every now and again. It leaves scars, and it isn't pretty, but if you look close enough, what is?
Coffee sour? You're making that face.
It's this clown, Ronnie Dowenberg.
Ah, the affinity scammer.
Sells good Samaritans on phony bonds to build imaginary churches. I don't even like church and I hate this guy. Con-men are the worst.
They're great on the stand, blend in anywhere, they play ball.
That's what they want you to think!
Maintaining such a dim view of humanity, isn't it exhausting?
That's why they make energy drinks. [smirks] Look, Marshall, we hide murderers, smugglers, every crayon in the wise-guy wannabe box, but con-men: they don't just take your money, they rob you of your dignity. They leave you poor, wide-eyed and stupid on the side of the road, and if you think there's a chance in hell this son of a bitch can up and whistle a different tune, I've got a seaside condo in Beirut I'd like to tell you about.
[answers phone from her home kitchen] Hey, Stan.
Where are you?
Burger King.
Well, grab me a Whopper Jr., no pickles, don't forget to bring your mitt.
A: get your own Whopper, B: I don't own a mitt, which follows since I don't play softball.
Mary, it's Marshals versus APD!
I'm not a team player, Stan, and that's a direct quote from last year's performance appraisal.
Man... it was gonna be such a good day. Bust a bad guy, watch some crappy TV. Curl up in bed with a box of wine. Now... this is all screwed up, and I got a date with my ex-husband.
Your what?
Oh, yeah. I was married for five days when I was 17.
You were what?
It was no big deal. We were young and stupid. Well, we were young and he was stupid. Anyway, he's in town for an air conditioning convention. Wow, there is no way to make that sound sexy. Whatever, we'll probably just go to Zinc, drink too much, and get in a fight, you know, for old times' sake.
How has this never come up? You have an ex-husband.
You know me. I don't like to brag.
Whoa! You like it here? I thought you said it was too... something. You must be Mark. I'm Marhsall, Mary's partner. This is Abigail.
I'm the girlfriend. Hey, Mark, Mary.
Uh-huh.
Hey, fun idea. Let me see if they have a table for four.
That is fun. I'll supervise. Is this 'cause I put your cell phone in jello?
This is because, once upon a time, you got to grill my dad on my youthful indiscretions. And you know what they say about payback.
A witness going undercover is a non starter unless his inspectors are there to ensure his safety.
FSFBI Special Agent
And when was the last time you worked undercover?
[scoffs] We're always undercover. That's the job. Seriously, in real life I'm a total bitch. [she and Marshall laugh]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's In Plain Sight pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.