Hamster & Gretel quotes

Kevin

(narrating) The day I turned sixteen, I got my driver's license, and suddenly, I was free. I could be out on the open road with nothing but my own dreams to guide me. I could let the wind of adventure blow back my hair as the beckoning horizon pulled me ever onwards.

Kevin

But instead, I'm just driving my little sister to and from soccer in my mom's minivan.

Gretel

Kevin, you're not just driving me to soccer! I have flute lessons tomorrow, remember?

Kevin

This is my life.

Gretel

And on Friday, you're taking me to Tina's birthday party.

Kevin

Chauffeur to a grade schooler.

Gretel

And then, Saturday, I've got ballet...

Kevin

I could be out there making my own destiny, but instead, I'm just spinning my wheels and going nowhere.

Gretel

Just like Hamster! But if I hold him up like this, he thinks he's running super fast. Look at him go!

Kevin

(sighs) I can't believe I'm having hamster envy.

We will now bestow upon you powers unimaginable!

Kevin

Yep. This is my life.

This question is for Gretel. My best friend looks just like you. And her name is Gretel, just like you. And she has a hamster named Hamster, just like you! I just want to know... Can you sign this T-shirt for her?

Gretel

Oh, sure, Bailey!

Yes! She's going to love it so -- Wait, how do you know my name?

Gretel

(nervously) Superpowers...?

That is... awesome!

All right, next question!

Hey.

Kevin

Hey.

So... Gretel still hasn't told Bailey yet?

Kevin

I told her she couldn't! I only told you because I knew you would never talk about it to anybody.

Right, because of my disdain for people. Comic shop?

Kevin

Yeah, I think we've got time.

Hamster

Whatever. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my wheel. [flies off]

Gretel

Wait, you can talk?

Gretel

I'm a superhero now! You don't need math to lift things, fly through fast and punch bad guys!

Kevin

My turn!

Gretel

Nuh-uh, my turn!

Kevin

I don't like your tone!

Gretel

I don't like your face!

Carolina

Kids…

Gretel

I don't like your hat!

Kevin

I'm not even wearing a hat!

Carolina

HEY! (takes the remote) That's enough insulting hat talk in this house, the both of you!! Maybe you two need a break from each other, or something. I'm taking the remote. (starts walking upstairs) Just settle this!

Kevin

So, what does she want?

You, shush. (to Gretel) Hey, Gretel-Beans. Your brother's being your brother. You good?

You know, I wasn't planning on being super evil today―it's more of a deejay day―but your girl tried to make me look bad in front of my crew. I can't look like a chump. (pulls out a pool of acid) You get it. Once this party wraps up, we're gonna dunk you in a vat of acid, and then... AFTERPARTY! (laughs) Die mad, you furry little freak.

Hamster

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm rubber, you're glue!

Kevin

Wait, Abuelita!

Gretel

Hey!

Kevin

You know that I'm not a kid anymore.

(laughs as she pinches Kevin's cheek) Ay, Kevin, I love senses of humors! Now there's only one rule in my house, and that you must follow ALL my rules. Now, hand over the phones!

Gretel

But, Abuel-

Eh-eh-eh! No buts unless they are doing chores!

Carolina

Someone is in a lot a lot of trouble!

Gretel

(gasps) The dishes! I'm so sorry, I got sidetracked. I'll go do them now.

Carolina

Too late.

You're grounded!

Gretel

NOOOOO!!!!!!

Kevin

Um, did I just hear the G word?

Carolina

Yep. Your little sister is spending the entire weekend in. Her. Room.

Carolina

You know the rules. Hand over the phones so you won't cheating.

Kevin

Gretel, don't give up! I know that didn't go as planned, but you guys are heroes!

Gretel

It's okay, Kevin. We did our best.

(after he sees Balloony pop once again) BALLOONY!

Oh, and absolutely no cellphones. Sorry. (Places the phones into the drawer)

Kevin

Is it too late to just take a group selfie in the parking lot?

Come on, Kev. This'll be fun!

Ah-ah-ah! Number 216!

"No lying to your kids". Man, this guy's thought of everything.