Gary the Rat · Season 1
Now if you'll just turn over on the table and drop your pants, I'd like to get a look inside your colon.
I beg your pardon.
Your colon, I must examine it.
Sorry to burst your bubble Dr. Doolittle. But the mud-whistle and all the roads leading to it, are closed for the day.
So what seems to be the problem?
Well, for starters, I'm a six-foot rat.
You're not happy with your height. That's a good start.
[Gary is questioning a blind witness]
So, you're saying that cigarette smoking gave you throat cancer?
[Through voice box] Yes, that is correct.
But you clearly saw the Surgeon General's warning on each and every pack!
I'm blind!
Excuses!
Some weirdos call it a spring ball; I don't know why... there's never anything to bounce except for my wife's ass.
This is my babe: Rose.
My condolences to you, Rose.
Bunnies are fun!
And condolences to you, Bud. This is five dollars. I'll only give it to you if you promise not to procreate.
I like gum.
Okay, let's make it ten.
Mr Bugz, I refuse to continue paying you for a job I've already paid you to do, now if you continue to extort money from me with the threat of physical violence I will have no alternative but to call the police in on this matter.
Oh yeah, hows about I hit you in the head with a toaster, and teabag ya, untill your eyes pop out!
A thousand will be fine.
You may get some extra time for the sheer STUPIDITY of the crime, but we'll fight it!
[Through speaker phone] Hey Betty, find out where the hell that giant freak rat Andrews is and send him into my office!
He's right here sir.
Then tell him to haul his freak rat bastard ass in here right now!
I can hear you, sir.
Of course you can, you've got those giant mutant ears, NOW Andrews!
Well, Bud...with an L... here's ten dollars. I want you to take it home to your mother and have her buy some IUD's!
Let's make one thing perfectly clear. You settle this case, and I'll make sure you spend the rest of your unnatural rat existence shoveling excrement from a porta-potty outside a rundown chili factory. you got it?
I'm going to hit you as hard as the realization that Gary Andrews is going to have after we take him for $11 million.
I was getting scared that you actually liked that rat.
I'd screw my own brother for half that amount.
I did it for $27, but he had a gun.
Um..I accidentally got molested on the way here.
You mean mugged?
No...molested.
Uh huh, and how does one accidentally get molested?
You'd be surprised.
I'm not going to this reunion and there is nothing you can say to make me change my mind!
Andrews your fired! Get the hell out of the building!
A reunion you say? Fanatstic idea, I might even wear a tux.
When's the lawyer gettin' here?
I'm sorry boss...
When's the lawyer gettin' here, ya creep?!
[Pointing to his very tiny ears] Sorry boss, I got nothin' here.
[Stilletto slaps him]
Tony DeHalip, when's the lawyer gettin' here?
[Spitting] Any minute boss.
You're spittin' on me!
Sorry, boss.
Anthony Stilletto is one of the most high profile Mafia bosses ever to run this city. The guy gets in more trouble than a busload of priests on the way to a boy scout jamboree. The man's a goldmine and I want him.
I understand, sir. But what about Mr. Stilletto's current representation?
Poor sot accidently fell on a pickaxe.
A pickaxe?
47 times.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Gary the Rat pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
