Elementary quotes

Watson

Mr. Holmes, did your father tell you that I'd be coming?

He e-mailed, said to expect some sort of addict-sitter.

Watson

Then he explained his conditions in respect to your sobriety?

If you mean his threats to evict me from this, the shoddiest and least renovated of the five, count them, five properties he owns in New York, then yeah. He made his conditions quite clear. I use, I wind up on the street. I refuse your quote-unquote help, I wind up on the street. It was my understanding that most sober companions are recovering addicts themselves, but you've never had a problem with drugs or alcohol.

Watson

Your father told you?

Of course he didn't.

Watson

Do you care to explain why you broke out of your rehab facility the same day you were being released?

Bored.

Watson

You were bored?

No, I am bored. Right now. It happens often. You'll get used to it.

Watson

There was a woman here just now. Did she get you high?

About six feet. (he pulls his belt off a ladder, which has two pairs of handcuffs attached to the rungs) I actually find sex repellent. All those fluids and odd sounds. But my brain and my body require it to function at optimum levels, so I feed them as needed.

Tell me, how do clients typically introduce you?

Watson

What do you mean?

I mean, I find it hard to believe they'd actually tell someone they've been assigned a glorified helper monkey.

Watson

Helper monkey? You and I have what's known as companion/client confidentiality, which means you can introduce me however you'd like: friend, co-worker, relative, and I'll play along. But, to be honest, most clients just call me their companion.

Hmm. Captain Gregson!

Gregson

Holmes, how are you doing?

Watson, this is Captain Gregson. Captain Gregson, this is Miss Watson, my personal valet.

Watson

How do you do it?

Do what?

Watson

Guess things.

I don't guess. I observe; and once I've observed, I deduce.

Watson

It's so incredible, the way that you can solve people just by looking at them. I noticed you don't have any mirrors around here.

And what's that supposed to mean?

Watson

It means I think you know a lost cause when you see one.

Watson

What do you mean you put yourself into a trance?

I hypnotized myself. It's simple, really. The key is word repetition. My word, as you may have guessed, is amygdala.

Watson

So you hypnotized yourself at your first group support meeting.

I couldn't listen to all those sob stories, now could I?

Watson

That's the whole point and when, you know, you feel comfortable, you can share.

You've been with me a week now, Watson. You know I don't share.

Watson

Well then why can't you listen?

Attic theory. I've always believed the human brain is like an attic: storage space, facts, but because that space is finite, it must be filled only with things one needs to be the best version of oneself. It's important, therefore, not to have useless facts: the natterings that comprised your support meeting, for example, crowding out useful ones.

Watson

I've got to go meet my friend soon. Are you going to be okay getting home by yourself?

This friend that you're meeting, when was the last time you slept with him? It's quite obvious it's a he and an ex-lover. You go out of your way to avoid gender and every time you talk about him you avert your gaze when say "friend." As to how I know it's not a current lover, your walk speaks volumes.

Watson

My walk.

A study in Belgium showed that a woman's recent orgasmic history can be discerned from her gait. Yours would indicate it's been a while.

Watson

Is it sad being wrong as often as you are right?

My advice: sleep with him. It'll do wonders for your mood.

I'm looking for a syringe.

Watson

What for?

I'm going to stab it into the softest part of Miss Ellison's thigh. Lots of nerve endings there. No one can fake their way through that.

Watson

If you wanted to know if she was really in a coma, all you had to do was ask. [lifts Yvette Ellison's arm and lets go]

That's okay but I can't stab her in the thigh?

Watson

You're not supposed to be working here.

Would you rather I put myself into another trance?

Watson

Oh, I already thought of that. (shows him a thumbtack) You even think about zoning out, this goes into the softest part of your thigh. Lots of nerve endings there.

You wouldn't dare.

Watson

Do you close yourself off to people and deny yourself things that might bring you pleasure not because it makes you a better investigator, but because it's some sort of penance?

Penance?

Watson

For what happened in London; being addicted. I don't know. I guess it just occurred to me that it might be something someone might do and not even know it.

Well, you always know it, Watson. If you didn't, it wouldn't be penance.

Watson

Have you been up all night?

I started digging through one of the files I keep on open serial murders. After you'd gone to bed I lost track of time. Still losing track of it as a matter of fact. No jogging, sorry.

Watson

I thought that we both agreed that a little exercise would be a good addition to your sobriety.

For future reference, when I say that 'I agree with you' it means I'm not listening.

Watson

Do you know what else is great? Jazzercise. Get you some leg warmers, headband, you'll look awesome.

I agree with you.

I'm not sleeping. I'm just reviewing the details of the case in my mind.

Watson

I'm sorry. Were you talking to me? Because I thought I was just a cavernous expanse between two ears.

You mustn't be so sensitive, Watson. The service you're providing is quite valuable. For a brief stretch in London I talked only to a phrenology bust I kept in my study. I named him Angus. It wasn't the same. I realized that when it came to listeners I preferred animates to inanimate. Quite a breakthrough, really.

Watson

Angus. I'm glad I made it to the "animate" category.

Victims of horrific abuse are often protective of their abusers. It doesn't mean we should send them back for seconds.

I have an immunity deal.

For crimes committed "in consort with" Samuel Abbott.

What are you doing?

Watson

Depriving you of all stimulus.

What? No! No, no, no. Right after you solve a case you're flush with success. We should double down on work.

Watson

We?

You, me, [holds up bust] Angus! Some combination of the three. You already know I favor you.