Det. Marcus Bell quotes from Elementary

I don't kill those people! Okay?

Sherlock Holmes

Victor Nardin, think fast!

Detective Marcus Bell

What are you doing?!

This man is innocent. Detective Bell, a word, please?

Why he hit me?

Bell

[following Holmes out] Hey, stay right there!

Bell

So you assault our perp with an orange, and that has you convinced he's innocent?

(examining a body) No shell casings,, no skull fragments, no gray matter. He was killed elsewhere and then dumped here.

Det. Bell

Yeah, tell me something I don't know.

A pig's orgasm lasts up to thirty minutes.

Det. Bell

(in the victim's office) Appointment book. Maybe it'll tell us what he got up to last night.

Unlikely he would notate trips to an underground Chinese gambling parlor.

Det. Bell

Excuse me?

That's what he was doing last night.

Det. Bell

I know you're just waiting for me to ask you why you think that.

Det. Bell

Why do you think that?

I'm glad you asked!

Mah-jongg tiles come in pairs, why would he hold on to one of each?

Det. Bell

Because these tiles aren't for playing. They're membership cards to underground casinos. Aren't you gonna ask me how I knew that?

Det. Bell

Fine, whatever.

Marcus

I gotta ask. The note you left, "was not Marcus".

You told me someone tried to frame you for a shooting, I don't know, I just figured maybe it was the same guy.

Detective Bell

No, I know, but we fought yesterday. You were shot in the back. No way you saw who did it, no way you could have known for sure it wasn't me.

But I did know. I know you. And you gotta look out for family, even when they disappoint you.

Bell

Where's your better half?

Sherlock

One mystery at a time, Detective.

Sherlock

I was attempting to get a rise out of you, to remind you that no matter where you go or how tedious the work you undertake, it will not change what you are, a detective.

Detective Bell

I am a detective.

Sherlock

Well, you still carry the title, yeah. But it's more than that, isn't it? It's a calling. It's your calling. You are not an analyst. You are not an assessor of data. You transferred from Major Crimes either because your pride would not allow you to occupy the same space as me or because you're feeling sorry for yourself. In either case, a pathetic excuse.

Detective Bell

I have a tremor in my hand. I can't shoot, can't get out on the street and work cases because of you!

Sherlock

Bollocks! You could've stayed in Major Crimes until you completed your rehab!

Detective Bell

You're assuming my rehab can be completed!

Sherlock

Because I have faith in you! I have faith in your perseverance! Be my friend, don't be my friend, whatever, but don't be so foolish as to confuse punishing me with punishing yourself!

Detective Bell

You know what I thought the first time I met you? Man, it comes easy for that guy. Well, I'm sorry. It doesn't come that easy to the rest of us.

Sherlock

I am a drug addict, Marcus. A drug addict. And it might seem like an abstraction to you because I have been sober since I made your acquaintance. But two years ago, I was as pitiable a soul as you will ever meet. With help, I fought back, and I got a little bit better. I know what I'm supposed to do with my life. Do you?

Sherlock Holmes

The homicide that's been plaguing you--the file on your desk.

Det. Marcus Bell

The file that was in my drawer?

Det. Marcus Bell

I've never been to London. Hear it's a lot like New York. I guess you guys don't get the same number of gun deaths over there as we do, huh?

Kitty Winter

Not many countries do.

Sherlock Holmes

Guarding a puddle? Been demoted have you?

Det. Marcus Bell

Haven't you heard? It's not the size of the crime scene that counts.

Sherlock Holmes

Detective Bell, you're here. Excellent.

Det. Marcus Bell

It's not Detective Bell today. The department told me I had too many vacation days built up, so I had to use 'em or lose 'em.

Sherlock Holmes

I'm aware you're off duty. In fact, that's exactly why I asked you here. I picked up some potentially interesting work involving stolen zebras. I thought it might be an opportunity for you to gain more exposure to my methods.

Det. Marcus Bell

You want me to work a case with you?

Sherlock Holmes

An informal setting is a more fertile learning environment, don't you think? Think of it as a favor.

Det. Marcus Bell

So I'll work for you, and somehow you're doing me a favor?

Sherlock Holmes

Well I do owe you a debt. You'll recall the unfortunate business with you and the bullet.

Det. Marcus Bell

I remember when you got me shot. Look, I get it: You want somebody to talk at, but you don't want to bother Joan right now?

Sherlock Holmes

I will pay you.

Det. Marcus Bell

I'm already getting paid today.

Sherlock Holmes

A donation to the charity of your choice, then.

Det. Marcus Bell

How'd you know I didn't have plans for the day?

Sherlock Holmes

People who are forced by their employers to take time off don't generally have thriving social lives.

Det. Marcus Bell

My rate to the Harlem Youth Club.

Marcus Bell

She's IA [Internal Affairs].

Sherlock Holmes

The great love of my life is a homicidal maniac. No one's perfect.

Det. Marcus Bell

Am I crazy, or did I just hear him speak in perfect Spanish?

Dr. Joan Watson

Yeah. Fluent in three dozen languages, but the man has never seen Say Anything.

Det. Marcus Bell

That's a '80s movie, right?

Dr. Joan Watson

You want me to punch you, right?

Det. Marcus Bell

What are you doing?

Sherlock Holmes

These were chained to a lamppost down the street.

Det. Marcus Bell

And you figured you'd steal them?

Sherlock Holmes

I'm re-stealing them. I peruse the crime blotter when I'm bored. And these were stolen in Chelsea last month.

Det. Marcus Bell

And you're just gonna walk around with them for the rest of the day.

Sherlock Holmes

Oh, don't be ridiculous. This one's for you.

Det. Marcus Bell

Hey, I didn't think I'd catch you here. Joan said you were at a meeting. Just...returning a book she loaned me.

Sherlock Holmes

She needed your help carrying it upstairs, did she?

Det. Marcus Bell

Well, she was moving some furniture around, needed a hand....

Sherlock Holmes

I was mistaken. You don't know what my partner looks like naked.

Det. Marcus Bell

Speak up, would you? I don't think the guys in the cell heard you.

Sherlock Holmes

Why didn't you just tell me you were taking the sergeant's exam on Friday?

Det. Marcus Bell

Joan told you she was helping me study?

Sherlock Holmes

What do you think?

Det. Marcus Bell

I think you saw the books on my desk just now.

Sherlock Holmes

If you wanted help studying, why not just come to me? I'm a gifted instructor; Watson is living proof.