K-9 quotes from Doctor Who

[shoots someone with a laser who collapses shortly after] Most satisfactory.

It is stimulating to communicate for once with something other than a limited and unpredictable organic intelligence.

Such actions warrant immediate death, which I shall execute.

Essential restored to vertical position. Alternative is your obliteration.

Reconfigured in aggression mode, Master.

Hahahaha! That was a good idea of mine, K-9, to blow it up!

Affirmative!

Leela

What do you mean, it was a good idea of yours? It was my idea!

What was?

Leela

To blow it up!

Then you should be feeling very happy.

Check, Master.

What?

"Machine mind" computes mate in six moves.

Rubbish!

Leela

Doctor!

Leela, keep still!

Leela

But Doctor--

And shut up, I'm trying to concentrate.

Your move, Master.

I know it’s my move, don’t flash your eyes at me.

Wrong square.

What?

Your king, Master. Wrong square.

Really, are you sure?

Affirmative.

Leela

Doctor, can I speak now?

What? All right, if you must. What is it?

Leela

Well, the column has stopped moving.

So?

Leela

It is not important?

WHAT?! We might have gone right through the time spiral, why didn’t you tell me?

Leela

I tried to, but you wouldn’t let me.

You didn’t!

Leela

I did!

You didn’t!

Leela

I did!

You didn’t!

Leela

I did!

Leela, I think you and I should take a-- a W-A-L-K.

Leela

A W-A-L-K...?

Wuh-Ah-Ll-K!

Walk, mistress.

Leela

I know!

Ready, master.

No no no, you're not coming. You stay here.

Entreat, master!

No!

I'll be good!

NO!

K-9, what is tennis?

Real, lawn or table, mistress?

[Beat] Never mind. Forget it.

Forget. Erase memory banks concerning tennis. [Whirrs] Memory erased.

Professor Rumford

I still don't understand about hyperspace.

Who does?

I do.

Oh, shut up, K9! It's all to do with interspatial geometry.

Professor Rumford

I never studied that.

I'm not surprised; They gave up teaching that some two thousand years ago, even on Gallifrey.

What's the matter?

Look! Radiation levels you wouldn't believe!

Good heavens! You could fry eggs in the street.

But that means...

What?

There must be a huge nuclear war going on down there!

None at all, no.

Well what else could it be?

I don't know. Probably someone throwing a huge breakfast party. Think po- Why do you always assume the worst?

Because it usually happens.

Empirical poppycock! Where's your joy in life? Where's your optimism?

It opted out.

Optimism: Belief that everything will work out well. Irrational, bordering on insane.

Oh, do shut up, K9. Listen, Romana, Whenever you go into a new situation, you must always believe the best until you find out exactly what the situation's all about. Then, believe the worst.

Ah, but what happens if it turns out not to be the worst after all?

Don't be ridiculous. It always is.

The war is over. The bombardment is over. The next step is obliteration.

For whom?

Everything.

What have you done?

I don't know. K9, what have I done?

You have triggered primary alert function.

Blast!

Affirmative.

Blimey, it's a dog. Who's a little tin dog then?

Your silliness is noted.

Estimated time to impact?

Master?

How long have we got?

Estimated time to impact-

That's what I said!

89.4 seconds.

89.4 seconds? No dematerialisation, no defence shields and only half power on full drive. K-9, I think we're going to find out what it's like to be a cricket ball. [to the TARDIS] Well, it's been a great, great partnership old girl.

Master.

Oh K-9, This is no time for emotional quibbling you two. You've been a good dog to me, K-9. [hangs a "first prize" ribbon on K-9] The best I ever had!

Thank you Master. Time to impact now 58 seconds dead.

I wish you wouldn't say things like that, K-9.