A character in Death in Paradise
Played by Ben Miller
Death in Paradise · 22 quotes
Most-quoted character in Death in Paradise: in 14 of its 22 quotes
Most scenes with: Camille Bordey (8)
Richard PooleLook, don't get me wrong, I'm sure the Caribbean's great, beach holidays and snorkeling, but I can't work here, let alone live here. I don't know if anyone has noticed, but there's a tree growing through my front room!
Det. Sgt. Richard Poole[showing his badge] I am a police officer, and I want a cup of tea!
Richard PooleSo we got a man murdered in broad daylight while handcuffed to a police officer, just over a thousand suspects, and it's a hundred degrees. Marvellous!
[as Richard prepares to photograph a crime scene, the sun ducks behind a cloud]
Richard PooleOh, for God... [skyward, close to screaming] 300 days a year you shine ten hours a day, and the one time I actually want you to shine, YOU GO IN!
[The sun comes out. Richard photographs the scene, then looks skyward again.]
Richard Poole[politely] Thank you.
Richard Poole[regarding his shrimp cocktail] You know, I could swear this lot are still alive. See, that one just winked at me.
Sainte-Marie was colonized by the French, who lost it to the British, who lost it to the Dutch. The Dutch lost it back to the French. The French then handed it back to the British in the mid 70's. So, about 30 percent of the population is still French.
Richard PooleFrench. Great. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.
Richard PooleAll right, that's enough. No one is to mention this prophecy again! We're detectives. We deal in physical evidence and forensic science. We do not stick pins into dolls and dance naked around the campfire!
Now that I'd like to see.
Richard PooleYeah, well, it's not going to happen.
Voodoo has been part of this island for hundreds of years.
Richard PooleSo have cholera and TB and the French, and we managed to get rid of them in the end.
I am half French!
Richard PooleThere's no such thing as half French!
Nicholas Dunham is a killer.
Richard PooleYou can't possibly know that.
Intuition.
Richard PooleOh, great. Why don't we just go the whole hog, you know? I'll take my clothes off, you light the fire.
[a passer-by gives Camille a funny look]
[hastily] He's English!
[about Richard's new rowboat, christened the "Roast Beef"] Well, are you going to give her a test?
Richard PooleWhat, out there on the sea?
[sarcastic] No, no, on the road.
Richard PooleNo sign of Solly having fired the gun.
Correct.
Richard PooleI knew it. Well, I suspected it. (Gives Camille the paper) So we can definitely rule out suicide. Solly's death was murder. I think we should-- (Screams at something on his chair)
(laughs as Richard pulls a toy snake off his chair) Oh, wow! Very immature. I'll have words with whoever did that!
Richard PooleThere's only you and me here.
Well, I'm sorry, sir. You were saying...
Richard PooleAsk Curtis about his snake. (Throws the toy snake at Camille, who dodges to the side) And why it ended up in my bungalow.
Richard PooleWell, imagine you're taking a midnight swim and I decide to drown you. What do you do?
[He puts his hands on Camille's shoulders. She grabs his arm and twists it behind his back.]
Richard Poole[screams in pain, then calms down] Okay, let me rephrase that. You're not a trained police officer.
I'm not?
Richard PooleNo, you're a depressed woman... [straining] with no apparent aptitude for self-defence!
Oh. Okay, all right. [releases him]
Richard PooleHot stones, sauna, they're virtually sauteed, then they lie out in the sun, which basically amounts to grilling. Why don't they just go the whole hog and pop themselves in the microwave?
Have you finished?
Richard PooleSorry, was I ranting?
Yes.
Richard PooleWell, quite frankly, Camille, some things qualify for a rant. I'm not sure what the exact criterion is, but I'm pretty sure it'd include holding a stranger's nipple in place while someone else sews it on!
Richard PooleCan I ask where you were last night?
I was here.
Richard PooleAlone?
No. I telephoned Beyonce, she came over and we had a wild night of hot, passionate sex.
Richard PooleI see, and this Beyonce can vouch for that, can she?
[Later, outside]
I can't believe you don't know who Beyonce is!
Richard PooleWhy people can't just give a simple answer to a simple question, I'll never know.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Death in Paradise pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
