“BBC Continuity Announcers” quotes from Dead Ringers

Coming up next on ITV, go on, guess! Just guess, no clues, nothing. Just guess. Well done! A Touch of Frost.

Coming up later this evening on BBC One, lots of loud, irritating, pointless trails for digital radio. Followed by equally loud pointless trails for cBeebies and Restoration, and if there's time we might even throw in a few programmes as well!

And we've a real treat tonight for viewers on 4. Yes, it's a programme without the word 'house' in the title!

Tomorrow night at 9 here on ITV, Real Lives looks at masochists, and what drives them night after night to watch ITV.

Coming up next on BBC One, the Test Card. That's followed on BBC Three by the Test Card: Extra, looking at what the Test Card does when it's not on television.

Coming up later on BBC One, The National Lottery: Winning Lines, the big-prize quiz game where with just one call to Philip Schofield, you could really make your night. Go on, call him a twat, live on peak-time television!

It's 6 o'clock on BBC Two, and you've tuned in because you've forgotten we don't have The Simpsons anymore. No, instead we have a double bill of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Every single weekday. Frankly we're just rubbing salt into the wound!

Tonight on 4, we're going to show one of the most highly acclaimed drama series that America has ever made, at 2:30 in the morning! In the meantime, you can watch all the shite we make here.

Friday night sees Episode 3 of Peter Ackroyd's London. And the show's fully interactive, so at the end simply press the red button on your digital handset, and someone will come around, run a key down the side of your car and steal your wallet.

This is Channel Four. To fulfill our remit for broadcasting daring, innovative and challenging television that may, at times, be difficult to watch - we're gonna play an episode of Friends backwards.

This week on EastEnders, Sonia celebrates her engagement to the man who murdered her last fiancee, and he asks the person who was in the car with them to be his best man. Yeah, we know... we've stopped watching it too.

Now on ITV, a desperate bid for ratings, as the character Tanya Turner from Footballer's Wives turns up in Bad Girls. Tomorrow, Sergeant Leyton from Heartbeat joins The Bill, and there's a new landlord at the Woolpack: Sir Trevor McDonald!

Now on BBC One, prestige drama, but don't worry there's plenty of guns and cleavage to get you through.

Tonight on 4, there's another triple bill of Friends, but first there's a quick update on the scores: Channel 4 has only broadcast 28 hours of Friends this week, whilst E4 are storming ahead with 37 hours! That's just 19 hours short of total Friends saturation, and believe-me (voice turns into a Dalek) THAT-DAY-WILL-COME!

CHANNEL FIVE ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow night our seemingly never-ending Nazi documentary season continues scraping the bottom of the barrel with the start of our new 10-part series: Allo, Allo!: A Warning from History.