At 8 o'clock on Saturday, our series celebrating the written word, The Story of the Novel, asks the question of why do young people no longer read books? Followed at 9 by Big Brother.
“BBC Continuity Announcers”
You can see the next episode of 24 Pints(in-show spoof version of 24) at the same time next week on BBC Two. Viewers with digital satellite can watch the next episode right now over on BBC Three. And boy, do they bang on about that in the office all week!
Later tonight on ITV1, we see the start of a brand new series of How Clean is Your Celebrity Builder from Hell?. Where two mad women clean out Richard Blackwood's pants, while he overcharges for laying a patio.
Later on BBC Two, we'll be showing a selection of programmes from BBC Four, so you can ignore them all over again.
Saturday night on ITV sees the start of a brand new series, When David Jason attacks club reps with Carol Vorderman, because he's been ripped off by builders from hell! Right, and if you won't watch that, that's it. We give up! Officially. Do it yourselves! Make your own programmes!
There's a very special Big Brother 4 reunion this week, as seven of the housemates all apply for the same job at Burger King.
This next programme contains images some viewers may find distressing, as we go over live to Edgbaston for England vs. South Africa.
Later on BBC One, more makeover fun with House Invaders, as we send Anna Ryker-Richardson and Linda Barker to visit Tony Martin's farmhouse.
Later on ITV1, more members of the general public put their wits against the odds, as they desperately try to work out what time their favourite programme will be moved to next week.
You're watching BBC One. What, can't you afford a holiday?
Later tonight on The Bill there's a shock in store for the officers at Sun Hill, as a new detective arrives who has never been in another soap.
Later tonight on BBC One, as part of our commitment to pretending we're cultural and worthy, there's groundbreaking history programming, with Looking for Queen Victoria. Followed by History, with Charles II. Followed by Ancient History, with Colosseum.
A new documentary series on Wednesday tries to discover the reasons why more and more Brits every year are turning to drink. That's followed at 9 by Fame Academy.
You're watching BBC Four. Quiet, isn't it?
Later this evening here on 4, a sensitive and moving documentary exploring the issues surrounding obesity, in When Fat People Explode.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dead Ringers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.