What's your problem, princess? I was sticking up for Joe Dirt over there.
Oh, this isn't going to end well.
Would you shut up, Pacey?
You're out of line, Audrey.
Of course I am. Anyone messes with the one that got away and you get all up on your high horse, don't you?
Oh, excellent, another party heard from. What's your problem, Lindley?
I think you're the one with the problem.
Oh! How devilishly clever of you, Jen. [Pause] Oh, honey, are you still upset that I shagged your dream boy, because I am sorry about that.
What are you even doing here?
I missed my flight, bitch! Which is really, terribly unfortunate, because if you think that spending Christmas on Walton Mountain is my idea of a good time, than you all are about as high as I am right now.
Audrey? Why don't you go lie down?
Oh, you know, thanks for that Gail, really, but I think I'm kinda just getting started here. Do any of you have have any idea how hypocritical this whole little gathering is? I mean, I'd be flying high on a pleasingly potent cocktail of vodka and painkillers and thank you, by the way, Gail, for the painkillers. But I seem to be seeing things a little clearer than-than any of you. Dawson. Pacey. You guys hate each other, don't you? You're never going to-to be able to mend this little rift that exists between the two of you, so-so why do you even bother with the charade? And Dawson and Joey. [Laughs] Here you are, both of you, all grown-up and so very pleased with yourselves and each with your little significant other by your side respectively and while I will give you that it does make for a pretty picture, the truth of the matter is that you guys finally slept together and you've never really dealt with it. And neither of you are going to be able to have a relationship with anyone else till you finally just deal with your crap once and for all. And...as for you, Pacey, I'm really sorry that Audrey Hepburn next to you broke your heart all those years ago and has prevented you from ever fully committing to an adult relationship...but you know what? Just grow up.
Oh. I forgot. You're still not over me.
Oh, remember? Christmas dinner from hell? That was one of Audrey's enlightened comments, you're still not over me.
Oh, it does. You have no idea the hardships I go through trying to maintain a friendship with a dream girl such as yourself. You have no idea.
It does. I cry myself to sleep every night, but Jack and I cuddle. That eases the pain. He's very loving. [they both laugh]
Ok, let’s...just... take a little time out, because you and I... we're not actually having this conversation.
Oh, why? 'Cause you don't want to talk about sex with me?
Ha! Do you want to talk about sex with me?
Well, no, but... I usually don't want to talk about sex with anybody.
Thank you for proving my point. Now, if we could move on, I think our night will be much, much more pleasant.
After you tell me why you don't want to talk about sex with me.
All right, one would think this would be obvious, but fine. Perhaps it has something to do with how calm and cool and non-judgmental you are about the whole thing.
Oh, you know what? I don't approve. Ok? There. I said it. And I refuse to sit here and pretend like this is all just fine, 'cause it's ridiculous.
Do you hear yourself? You can't help it! This is why we don't talk about sex. It's actually the secret to our entire friendship.
You've lost me in your sea of pronouns.
Well, ok. We are friends. Right?
So what is the secret to our long-lasting and angst-free friendship? What is the one thing that keeps it going year after year after year after year?
We suck at meeting new people.
Wrong. We do not, under any circumstance, talk about sex. I may be having it, you may be thinking about having it, but we don't discuss it. That way we avoid the awkwardness, and in avoiding the awkwardness, we are able to maintain our friendship. You see, it's a preventative measure. I solved the problem before it even starts.
But, Pacey...if we're such good friends, why is there any awkwardness in the first place?
Because not too long ago, we were more than just good friends, now, weren't we?
Yeah, but we're not anymore.
But that doesn't matter. The damage is already done.
What, so as far as you're concerned, I slept with you, and then I took myself in and got revirginized?
...
Ok, so basically what you're saying is that the only way you and I can continue being friends is if we lie to each other about our sex lives... if we take that whole giant aspect of our lives and just... pretend like it doesn't exist?
Worked for you and Dawson.
[on the televisions] Is this thing on? Ok, well...ahem. Hey...it's me... obviously. So if you could just step a little closer, and don't worry, I'm not gonna bite. I come in peace. Look...you and I... we're gonna be here for a while. For quite a while, it seems. So I think it would be best if we could come to some sort of truce. And to facilitate this truce, I'm willing to admit to you on camera that, yes, indeed, I am an ass, which you probably already know. Better than most people. And perhaps better than anyone on earth. But I digress. My proposal is this: That we leave the past in the past, which is where it belongs anyway, that we try and make the best out of this bad situation, and that we get comfortable. To wit--I bought you something. Well, I didn't really buy you something. Perhaps procured would be a better word, but...anyway, you get my point. It's down there on the counter. [She looks over and sees that he put a set of pajamas and slippers on the counter] I'm not so sure about the sizes anymore, 'cause it's been a while, but... we can always exchange it. And, if you accept my proposal, you will have at your disposal for a limited time only the ability to make me do one thing I really do not want to do. Which is not to say that you don't always have that ability, but I kinda figure that that's how this whole night from hell started. You were doing something for me that you really didn't want to do... which is what friends are for. Ok. Over and out.
[shaving Pacey] There. Hello, chin. You're back.
[Chuckles] Well...I was never really gone.
[Pacey kisses Joey]
I don't know. But...you remember how you said you were willing to be surprised by the future?
How come you don't seemed surprised?
Well...maybe because I've... wanted to kiss you ever since I saw you in that outfit.
[She looks down at the pajamas she is wearing]
No. Um... not that outfit. The one... uh...the prev-- well, I mean, not—
Wait, wait, wait. You were wanting to kiss me all night?
Even when you were yelling at me.
Especially when I was yelling at you.
Even when you were flirting with that other girl?
So... is this... some sort of... recent new development in your life?
Wanting to kiss you? No. It's sort of always there... like...white noise, or... the secret service or the threat of nuclear war, for that matter. Just somethin' you get used to.
I got it. Seems a small price to pay for a dream come true.
CClerk
I certainly hope you found everything you were looking for today.
Well...not everything, but we found what we needed, which, as I'm sure you know, is sometimes just as important. In a spiritual sense. 'Cause, you know, if you found everything that you needed today, what would be the point of waking up tomorrow and doing it all over again? It just wouldn't seem worth it.
Don't worry. He's on a one-day pass from the asylum. But...in all fairness, I should let you know that I will be writing a letter to the home office about this.
Yeah. Because this store... is perfect just the way it is. Don't change a thing.
Remember this feeling, George. Remember what it was like to make a film about something you loved, the confidence to do it your way, control your vision, keep it your own. I mean that's.....I miss that.
GGeorge
Yeah. You do sort of have the stink of a burnout talent on you.
Look, if what you told me about your past is true, then I'm guessin' what I don't understand is why the creeps and the scumbags who treated you so poorly got the benefit of your sex drive. Whereas guys like me who actually treat you fairly well... we get ridiculed for wanting to have sex with you.
Wow. Kudos to you, C.J. That is the nicest way that anybody's ever called me a slut.
