“Lovelines (aka The Eddie)” quotes from Dawson's Creek

C.J.

You excited about the hosting gig tonight?

Jen

Mm-hmm.

C.J.

Yeah? Who knows? You could become the next Ryan Seacrest. You could borrow one of his man-blouses.

Audrey

Want to make out?

Eddie

No.

Audrey

Good. That was your test, buddy. You break her heart again and I'm going to kill you. You got it?

Audrey

Oh, my god! Where is he?

Jen

Who?

Audrey

Who? Who? Oh, Jen, Jen. Sweet, sweet, Jen. Such an amusing facade, but it's of no use. You can't keep us apart. It's destiny, I tell you. Destiny. Jen, he was on my plane.

Ladies, put the claws back. No need to fight. Plenty of room on the Carolla coaster for everyone.

Jen

I'm afraid I won't meet the minimum-height requirement. It's nice to meet you. I got to go.

Well, what about you? You want to hop on board?

Audrey

I wasn't talking about you, doofus. I'm kind of looking for Dr. Drew.

Pinsky?

Audrey

Yes, yes! Do you know where he is?

That geezer's probably out casket shopping. He's old. He's an old man. He's old enough to be your grandfather. Whereas I, I'm just old enough to be your daddy. And plus, the guy's a bore. He's an amazing bore. He never stops talking about gonorrhea and hepatitis G. Believe me, I know. I have to share a hotel room with the guy. Cheap bastards.

Audrey

Oh, my god. You've shared a room with him? Tell me something. Have you seen him naked?

Yes. Yes, I have.

C.J.

Well, there's this, uh... girl that I have-- or had a relationship with.

She was a sex buddy?

C.J.

No, she, uh... she was a girlfriend, actually, and we were together for several months up until this morning, when she dumped me like a sack of rotten trash. No explanation, no warning, no nothing.

Were there any warning signs? Any problems in the relationship?

C.J.

No, none. Well... I did sleep with one of her friends.

But just one, right? Women don't--they don't mind that kind of stuff. Can't be that.

C.J.

But she knew about it and it was before we got together, so that doesn't really count, right?

Have you simply tried asking for an explanation?

C.J.

That's the thing. Every time I try to talk to her, she treats me like I'm Father Damien.

C.J.

He was a leper.

Oh, sure. The famous leper, Father Damien. Drew, you wrote your thesis on Father Damien, did you not? All right. Listen, I say run. I mean, this chick's a head case. She's going to take you down, I promise.

Jen

Thank you, Adam, for that astute insight, but if you don't mind me saying so, I think that C.J.'S problems here are really subordinate to those of the many members of this audience who have actually paid good money to listen to your vastly under qualified advice.

You're so lucky I don't know what "subordinate" means, honey.

Jen

Um...ok, why don't we go to Mandy behind the screen? Mandy, what's your question? Mandy?

Audrey

Oh. Hi. Sorry, no. Actually, my name is Audrey, and my question is specifically for Dr. Drew. Um, I'm about 5'7". I've got blond hair, blue eyes, great rack.

Jen

Audrey, question. Find it.

Audrey

Oh, right. Ok. Well, um... several months ago, I realized that I had a serious problem with alcohol. I had all these negative feelings about my life, and I was using alcohol as my escape. And in the process, I hurt a lot of people that were very close to me. And if it hadn't been for those very same people, I probably would not have gotten the professional help that I needed. So after spending several weeks in a rehab facility in southern California, um... I guess my question to you is this, Dr. Drew-- how would you like to go back to my dorm room and play a little game I like to call "dirty doctor and naughty nurse?"