Trevor Hale quotes from Cupid

Trevor

It's a Valentine's Day conspiracy. I don't blow my own horn, so, I end up on my wrapping paper, looking like a fat-winged baby.

Trevor

Never worn a diaper in my life.

Trevor

There is a gentleman out there who is hiding ping-pong balls in a place where ... let's just say that I won't be signing up for the tournament.

Trevor

Coffee without caffeine. Can someone explain that to me? That's like sex without the spanking.

Trevor

In this corner we have the women. They claim to be looking for love, yet they have a recurring speech impediment every time a man comes into the picture ... you can't say 'yes'. In the other corner we have the men. Might as well file their tax returns under professional doormats. They really feel they can handle themselves in bed, yet they can't figure out why they end up doing just that.

Trevor

People wonder if movies reflect real life. Hell yes, they do. I'll tell you how. Both make it difficult for two people to find each other and fall in love. Think about it. All the barriers that get put in the way of romance which in movies is exactly the point. That's what holds our interest for two hours. But in real life, love would hold our interest. Movies end when two people finally embrace, but that is exactly when life begins. Everyone is aching for magic. Everyone wants that moment in the third act when their eyes meet and the music swells, and they fall into their lover's arms. But no one talks! No one connects anymore. Life is a very long movie, and everyone is stuck in the second act. This is what I wanna know.... why can't we cut to the climax?! Why can't we move right pass all the barriers and go straight to the part that everyone's waiting for --- the part where the guy gets the girl.

Trevor

Beautiful people end up together. Show me the exception, and I will show you a relationship based on something even more shallow. Wealth, power, rock stardom and a .315 batting average.

Claire

[Points at self.] Doctor. [Points at Trevor.] Patient. Are we clear?

Trevor

Yes indeed. It's one of my favorite games ever.

Trevor

It's not a job, it's a punishment. It's a hundred couples matched up before I'm allowed back.

Claire

Back where?

Trevor

Mount Olympus.

Claire

Of course.

Trevor

Hey, you asked.

Claire

Did you do something wrong?

Trevor

At the expulsion hearing they yammered on about me relearning my craft, the screwed up state of love and romance, blah blah blah, blah blah blah.

Trevor

A hundred couples, I used to knock that out before lunch.

Claire

Really.

Trevor

Yeah.

Claire

How'd you pull that off?

Trevor

My bow. My arrow? They're MA-GIC.

Claire

Do you have those with you now?

Trevor

At this moment?

Claire

Yeah. Maybe you can shoot me and I could more fully understand this magic.

Trevor

Do you see a bow?

Claire

Olympus. Tell me about it.

Trevor

Nonstop clothing-optional party, everyone's beautiful, drinking wine, chasing nymphs, an amazing place. You have no idea.

Claire

I saw Boogie Nights, okay? Neptune. Details.

Trevor

Gives me a team of oxen and handful of sheep every year for my birthday.

Claire

Sheep! That's interesting. Not what I meant, though. Hm.

Trevor

It's not compatibility. It's the chemistry, and the heat!

Claire

For six months if you're lucky. then it's negotiation, compromise, and friendship.

Trevor

Then you die.

Claire

15 years of training has prepared me to help these people.

Trevor

And being the Roman god of love for 3000 years had prepared me for what. Desk job at Hallmark?

[Cowing the weedy man] Got a problem, buddy? A little something you need to get off your chest? Didn't think so.

Claire

Small penis. Acting out in public often stems from feelings of sexual inadequacy.

You think. Maybe we should test your little theory. See how inadequate I am.

Trevor

[Approaching] Bad move, brother.

Later, pal. We got a budding romance here.

Trevor

You ever watch Fame? You know what I have in common with Bruno, Leroy and Coco? I'm going to live forever. What about you? You going to live forever? See, it would saturate my pleasure gland to rip your skin off and make ponchos for the kids. So keep your paws off my shrink here, because I'm a frustrated taxidermist and I'd love to go deep on you. We on the same team, butter bean?

Claire

"Fame." You get cable on Mount Olympus?

Trevor

Omniscience, baby. Look it up.