Dr. Claire Allen quotes from Cupid

Claire

I hate to admit this, but love and romance from a scientific standpoint might be a dry well.

Claire

Take a good look around you, Eros. The divorce rate, the personals -- your methodology did not work.

Doctor

They found him brawling with a pimp. It seems the fellow was standing on the corner, offering to find people dates.

Claire

The pimp?

Doctor

No, the patient. The pimp took umbrage.

Claire

Well, naturally you thought of me.

Claire

[Points at self.] Doctor. [Points at Trevor.] Patient. Are we clear?

Trevor

Yes indeed. It's one of my favorite games ever.

Trevor

It's not a job, it's a punishment. It's a hundred couples matched up before I'm allowed back.

Claire

Back where?

Trevor

Mount Olympus.

Claire

Of course.

Trevor

Hey, you asked.

Claire

Did you do something wrong?

Trevor

At the expulsion hearing they yammered on about me relearning my craft, the screwed up state of love and romance, blah blah blah, blah blah blah.

Trevor

A hundred couples, I used to knock that out before lunch.

Claire

Really.

Trevor

Yeah.

Claire

How'd you pull that off?

Trevor

My bow. My arrow? They're MA-GIC.

Claire

Do you have those with you now?

Trevor

At this moment?

Claire

Yeah. Maybe you can shoot me and I could more fully understand this magic.

Trevor

Do you see a bow?

Claire

Olympus. Tell me about it.

Trevor

Nonstop clothing-optional party, everyone's beautiful, drinking wine, chasing nymphs, an amazing place. You have no idea.

Claire

I saw Boogie Nights, okay? Neptune. Details.

Trevor

Gives me a team of oxen and handful of sheep every year for my birthday.

Claire

Sheep! That's interesting. Not what I meant, though. Hm.

Trevor

It's not compatibility. It's the chemistry, and the heat!

Claire

For six months if you're lucky. then it's negotiation, compromise, and friendship.

Trevor

Then you die.

Claire

15 years of training has prepared me to help these people.

Trevor

And being the Roman god of love for 3000 years had prepared me for what. Desk job at Hallmark?

[Cowing the weedy man] Got a problem, buddy? A little something you need to get off your chest? Didn't think so.

Claire

Small penis. Acting out in public often stems from feelings of sexual inadequacy.

You think. Maybe we should test your little theory. See how inadequate I am.

Trevor

[Approaching] Bad move, brother.

Later, pal. We got a budding romance here.

Trevor

You ever watch Fame? You know what I have in common with Bruno, Leroy and Coco? I'm going to live forever. What about you? You going to live forever? See, it would saturate my pleasure gland to rip your skin off and make ponchos for the kids. So keep your paws off my shrink here, because I'm a frustrated taxidermist and I'd love to go deep on you. We on the same team, butter bean?

Claire

"Fame." You get cable on Mount Olympus?

Trevor

Omniscience, baby. Look it up.

He's kind of sexy.

Claire

Sexy how?

Sexy in that, "I'd like to have sex with him," kind of way.

Claire

No he's not.

Trevor

Do you people know nothing about romance?

Claire

Ah. The chair recognizes Trevor's id.

Claire

Why don't you meet me at the Clark Street El stop?

Trevor

Uh huh. Good. Listen, after that, I want you to take a look at the stain on my ceiling.

Claire

Trevor.

Trevor

Don't get all sweaty-palmed on me, snack time. Professional curiosity. The shape. I think it's an abstract representation of innocence lost.

Claire

Or?

Trevor

A duckie.

Trevor

I've been thinking.

Claire

I thought I heard something.

Trevor

I'm matching up a hundred couples, one at a time. It's taking way too long.

Claire

Trevor, that is great. Reality poking its head out for the first time. Good for you.

Trevor

You know what? I've got to think grander. I'm going to start a new religion.

Claire

Oh, reality just saw its shadow. 6 more weeks of dementia.

Trevor

Think about it. Sun Myung Moon. marries a hundred couples, right? Considers it an off day.

Claire

You're forgetting that it took him a lifetime to establish himself as a religious leader.

Trevor

But I'm a god. I already have a head start!

Claire

Okay. Poverty, humility, celibacy -- as your psychologist, I have to say it's not your strong suit.

Trevor

My religion's going to be fun. Cupidians will cruise through the airport with a small cup that says 'keg fund.'

Claire

"Cupidians?"

Trevor

Hey, I'll need a high priestess, a woman who embodies the unattainable carnal archetype, a glimpse of heaven for the pilgrims, a nude for stained glass.

Claire

Oh, rats, here I've got this hoity-toity dinner party tonight, so.

Trevor

Yeah, well, who was asking. I was only wondering if you could get me in touch with Courtney Love.