[voiceover] Ted finally said what we were all thinking.
[to Kelso] Why are you spending your retirement hanging around the place you used to work? It's so sad. By comparison, it almost makes my life seem... [pause] Aw! Still sad!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
The point is, Elliot. You're a lot stronger than you used to be. I've changed, too... I have a beard now.
How about you? Do you still let that inner-voice of yours control you?
[inner-voice] This is getting too serious! Kick her! Kick her in the head! [out loud] Not as much.
I grew up on the street... No, not the hood. The Sesame Street.
Dude, have you been having fantasies about Muppets all day too?
No, but I'm straight.
That's just un-called for.
Excuse me? Dr. Kelso, isn't it? I'm Jordan Sullivan.
What are you doing?
I'm introducing myself, because clearly anyone who would convince Perry not to take the Chief job has never met me.
That pansy-assed little tattletale!
Bob, so help me God, you fix this or I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man-parts until your eyes pop out!
Twenty years ago I would have thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.
And I would have loved it!
So this is what fear feels like. It's kind of like being drunk, only in a very sad way. You're just lovin' watchin' me fall apart like this, huh?
More than comfy shoes and a warm place to crap. But you're gonna take this job. Partly because you were meant to do it, but mostly because if you don't I will always remind you that you are a sackless little fraidy-cat.
Why the hell'd you try to talk me out of it?
I had to tell you the truth to prepare you. If I'd fluffed it up, you would've tortured me forever.
So you actually think I'm the man for the job?
Who the hell do you think recommended you?
Thank you.
You're welcome.
[The two men sit in silence for a few moments; Dr. Cox realizes something and groans.]
Oh, God, no.
What?
You don't really think we're becoming friends, do you?
[Realizes] Good Lord, I hope not.
[Janitor walks into Dr. Cox's new office with a framed picture]
What the hell is that?
JJanitor
Some stupid gift from the board. It's a photo of Sacred Heart when it first opened in 1884.
There's a hybrid in the parking-lot.
JJanitor
I might have the date wrong. So, where do you want me to hang it?
Somebody else's office?
JJanitor
Are you trying to stop me from doing my job? How would you feel if I tried to stop you from taking patients' wallets after they died?
Doctors don't do that.
JJanitor
[smiles and winks] Look at you — sticking with the plan!
[Dr. Kelso walks into Dr. Cox's office as Dr. Cox is holding a photo against the wall]
So that's what a Chief of Medicine does!
Oh now, what's with the lab coat, Bob?
Ah, the old gal down in the pharmacy doesn't know that I've retired, so she still hooks me up with free morning-after pills.
Janice, you have one ugly baby, seriously.
[to Dr. Cox] Did you actually teach your son to be mean to a baby?
Not just any baby but your baby.
[Jack runs to Dr Cox and is scooped up]
Come on, Jackie boy, we're going to get 10,000 jelly beans. I love you so much. [walks off with Jack]
[Sam looks upset]
[to Sam] They can be so hurtful.
I'm really not what you would call a winner. Oh sure, I'm a lawyer. But that's only because I took the bar exam in Alaska and they only have like four laws, and most of them are about when you can, and cannot, kill... seals.
[to Dr. Cox] Have you seen J.D.?
No, I have not. Would you like to know why? He isn't coming in today. He's on a mini-vacation. And it isn't just today; he's not coming in tomorrow, which, by the way, is my day off. But not anymore! I'm coming in early and I'm staying late, because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running into that bearded hug-monster you call a best friend.
Death doesn't really bother me unless it's someone I know. And even then, if it happens in a funny way, like my cousin who, honest to God, was flattened by a steamroller... I still actually enjoy it.
SSunny
You can call me Sunny. My dad nicknamed me that because he said I brighten up a room. Of course, in college I had a few dark years. My car was stolen, I had three—was it three? No, four—I had four abortions.
[Denise stares at her blankly]
SSunny
I'm joking!
I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.
[Sunny laughs]
Why are you laughing?
SSunny
Because I'm scared. I'm not that strong.
[Janitor and Dr Kelso saw Carla remove a long hair from her breast. She's denying it when the Janitor tries to blackmail her]
What do you want?
JJanitor
I'm getting ready to torture Nurse Chestwhiskers [Carla], but it's her word against mine, so I need you to verify yesterday's incident.
What incident? I wasn't even here yesterday.
JJanitor
You were there.
Excuse me. [holds a muffin to his ear] What? Ssh, he's standing right here!
JJanitor
Me?
Okay, I'll tell him. [to Janitor] My muffin thinks you're crazy and she wants you to go.
JJanitor
Tell your muffin that I think she's crazy. Maybe she should go!
No.
JJanitor
What is happening to me? [leaves, upset]
Hey, Zeltzer. My family is with me here, but all the tables are full. Do you mind if we join you for breakfast?
ZDr. Zeltzer
No, not at all. I get family. You know I'm here so much I hardly ever see my wife. That's why I installed a webcam in my house so I can see her during the day. Right now, I'm watching her do the dishes.
Who in God's name are those two naked people?
ZDr. Zeltzer
That's Mr. and Mrs. Dish.
[disgusted] Get out!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.