“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

Ted

[seeing Turk and J.D. hug] I need one of those.

J.D.

A hug?

Ted

No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.

Turk

I should be offended, but he's right.

Carla

Janitor, are you familiar with the term "delusions of grandeur"?

I believe I coined that term.

J.D.

I'm doing this thing where I take a slice of someone else's wisdom and use it in my own life.

Jordan

Seems coincidental.

J.D.

And yet I do it almost every week.

J.D.

[watching the Janitor and Ted argue] Those two should have their own sitcom. [fantasizes about the sitcom's opening sequence]

Ted

I'm a lawyer!

I'm a janitor!

Together we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians! [jingle] Get it?

J.D.

[to Sam] I'd watch that show; would you?

[as the Knight] My name is Percival Cox. You're killing my friend. Prepare to die.

[narrating] And the princess and the idiot decided that their kiss didn't mean anything. [JD as The Village Idiot and Elliot as The Princess shake hands] Because in the end... they were both idiots.

Denise

You know, it's ironic that cancer starts with "can", because at this stage there's nothing we can do about it.

Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?

Ted

Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one's in case I get really sad...

Well, see you tomorrow.

Ted

We'll see...

J.D.

So, this intern that you mentioned... earlier, I'm sure eventually he turned into a pretty... amazing doctor, didn't he?

Actually, it was a she.

J.D.

It wasn't me?

No no, it was you. It was you.

Hi, I'm trying to keep non-medical personnel from coming back here. I'm the chief of medicine.

Jordan

I'm the chief of slag-smacking, so I'd keep moving if I were you.

That's very clever.

Jordan

Being clever's not how I got the job; smacking slags is.

J.D.

[To Denise] I need you to connect with your patients, okay? If they need some sympathy, dig down in your soul and find some.

Denise

Yo, Mr. Harris! Sucks you'll never walk again.

Hell yeah, it does!

Denise

Better, right?

J.D.

No, no, Jo. He... he lost his feet.

I know what you guys are trying to do; I just can't get over the fact that one minute I'm here and the next, I'm not?

J.D.

[voiceover:] And that's when Turk and I told George how we really felt. [aloud:] George, I'm terrified of dying.

Turk

Me, too.

Then why'd you lie?

J.D.

We fight death for a living every single day. We can't let it know we're afraid of it or it'll kick our ass.

J.D.

[voiceover:] Maybe, in the end, all you can really hope for is that your last thought is a nice one. Even if it's just about the taste of an ice-cold beer.

J.D.

It's like all of a sudden this hospital is a police state!

Elliot

The next thing you know, they're gonna be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop!

J.D.

They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.

Elliot

Really? Then why does Johann always let me...

J.D.

Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.

Elliot

Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen.

You know what's really driving me crazy? You keep acting like you know me.

Carla

Don't bother with the sob story. I've been here a long time, I've heard it all before.

Really? Because my dad died when I was six. And to cope, my mom drank herself through most of my childhood. No one ever did anything for me. I've always had to do it for myself.

Carla

[in a sympathetic tone] Oh, Katie...

[choking up] I know.

Carla

[suddenly harsh] Heard it! Me? Dead mom. J.D? Dead dad. Elliot? Emotionally abusive parents. Dr. Cox? Emotionally and physically abusive dead parents which he may have killed, no one's sure.