Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Turk, Cox, and Kelso are in the doctor's lounge, unsuccessfully researching Joe's disease. Kelso's head is lying in Cox's lap.]
[noticing Kelso's head] Fair enough.
[Dr. Beardfacé walks in]
[calling] What it do, Beardface?
It's Beardfacé! BEARDFACÉ, DAMMIT!
Calm down, Seymour.
If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta lose the beard. Of course... then you'd be Doctor Face...
HA! Dr. Face.
DAMN you all!
My kid's not even born yet and I'm already screwing up his life. I just want him to be really happy and normal, you know.
First of all, Newbie, we're talking about your kid, so the whole normal part was never gonna happen.
[Dr. Kelso is consoling his son over the phone]
Of course you had to break up with him. No one you love should ever sell your car without asking and then blow the money on meth.
[looking in awe at a baby] I'm a dad!
That's not your kid.
I know, but he reminds me of Sam.
That's a girl.
Stop ruining it! Why do you have to ruin things? I was having a moment, here!
I'm going to say something to you that's been said to me by every person I've ever loved: I'm really disappointed in you. You are pathetic and weak and I don't love you any more, GET OUT!
What have you been doing all day?
Right up to this very moment I've been successfully avoiding you.
I came to tell you that I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend. And, seeing that you're not allowed within forty feet from her house...
Ah, the restraining order.
[smiling] Ahhh, Christmas memories...
[In janitor's uniform] It's like the ammonia is seeping into my brain and making me violent and angry and hateful!
Yep, that's how it starts.
[Angrily, to Boone] What the hell are you looking at?
Nice!
Chicks, huh. They're all soft and cuddly but you never get to be with one.
Who cares about losing your childhood? I damn sure didn't.
Yeah, but that's because your parents were violently abusive alcoholics. Not that there is anything wrong with that; it was probably very exciting.
[to his girlfriend Lady] I think it's time you learned the real me. Here we go. I'm not... like normal people. I don't have superpowers, but I'm working on it. For instance, watch me move this pen. [stares at pen; it doesn't move] It worked at home. I don't know. Maybe my table's slanted. Uh, anyway. Um, in my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels. A squirrel will hold most of a cat. A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get it... the circle of life. I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how. I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.
Ha! I love a good trainwreck! [Carla goes to interfere]
Furthermore, I think if you look closely enough at a...
Stop it you! She doesn't know you're joking.
No, I'm...
Oh, he's... he's joking? [Carla nods] Oh thank God.
[Turk and Dr. Cox talking about rateyourdoc.org]
There's no way I'm losing to J.D. There must be some way we can take him down.
I thought he was your best friend.
Winning is more important than friendship. My gram-gram taught me that.
So, Gandhi, what did your wife think of her terrible present?
I haven't told her yet. I mean, I was going to, but her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power. It got me flapjacks for dinner.
You got brinner? DAAAAAMN, Turkledawg!
[Turk and Carla are talking in Spanish about J.D. and Elliot]
Like them. I bet you that in two weeks they will be back together.
Do you think so? Some people are not going to like that.
[The ladies' room is being cleaned; Elliot decides to use the men's room]
[reading off the bathroom stall's wall] "Rate Dr. Reid's butt?"... Yes! 9.2! Thank God this hospital's full of white guys.
...
Don't be too pleased with that 9.2. That's out of 100.
Wait a minute, you're telling me that that poster-sized reminder of your giant ass-kicking doesn't bother you? You're the only one your son has to model himself after when he's deciding how to be a man, and occasionally seeing a Paul Mitchell poster every time you pass by the beauty salon just isn't going to cut it.
Well, it's unfortunate that all children can't have the great role model you are, Mr. Borderline Alcoholic.
[narration] Nailed him! It's great having silver bullets like that on everyone in the hospital.
You sure told him.
Thanks, herpes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
